[Babymonkey731]

This is terribly humiliating to post even being anonymous. When I was around 11 or 12, I engaged in some sexual experimentation that I have obsessive guilt about. I am diagnosed ocd and recently I have been reviewing this memory of experimentation in my head over and over several times a day. I am seeking constant reassurance that I'm not a disgusting horrible person because of this. So what I did was, like I said, around age 11-12, I, along with 2 of my friends, had sexual "contact" with a dog. What's even worse is I did it several times while I was by myself. There was never penetration, I have absolutely no sexual desire toward animals and I infact think it's disgusting. It has been over 10 years since this happened and I still obsess and can't let it go. I also am pretty sure that I looked up child porn a couple of times, and again, I was 11 or 12, think it's gross and have no unhealthy attraction to children but I am terrified that I am some kind of pedophile. This took a lot of courage for me to put up so please only post helpful comments. Thanks.

[TheWell]

I think there are a lot of people that have done things that horrify them. I think moving on and realizing that kids that age experiment is important.

A lot of kids experiment with other kids. It's not pedophilia if both parties are kids. I brought this up with my own therapist because I was beating myself up over a sexual experience I had when I was 11.

What is important is how you act as an adult. If you find your thoughts straying to wanting to do inappropriate things then tell a therapist. If you don't want to ever then I would say you have nothing to worry about.

You are not horrible.

[Verity81]

You were just a kid and I think it's about time you forgave yourself and moved on. Seriously put it firmly behind you and don't ruminate. If the memories and thoughts come into your head then just let them pass through without pushing away or clinging. Good luck

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[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Babymonkey731

This is terribly humiliating to post even being anonymous. When I was around 11 or 12, I engaged in some sexual experimentation that I have obsessive guilt about. I am diagnosed ocd and recently I have been reviewing this memory of experimentation in my head over and over several times a day. I am seeking constant reassurance that I'm not a disgusting horrible person because of this. So what I did was, like I said, around age 11-12, I, along with 2 of my friends, had sexual "contact" with a dog. What's even worse is I did it several times while I was by myself. There was never penetration, I have absolutely no sexual desire toward animals and I infact think it's disgusting. It has been over 10 years since this happened and I still obsess and can't let it go. I also am pretty sure that I looked up child porn a couple of times, and again, I was 11 or 12, think it's gross and have no unhealthy attraction to children but I am terrified that I am some kind of pedophile. This took a lot of courage for me to put up so please only post helpful comments. Thanks.

you were a kid and curious and didn't know any better! let it go
no different than a baby eating off the floor, it doesn't know any better!
hope this helps

[Babymonkey731]

Thanks everyone. Was terrified at the replies I would get and they were all helpful instead :-)

I'm not one to give advice, as I have limited experience in doing so, but when I read this I didn't even blink when you mentioned the "horrible" thing(s) you had done. Everyone has regrets, and almost always they blow them way out of proportion. You were a kid, so its not pedophilia.

Kids are naturally curious. I did some 'weird' things when I was young, that are so embarrassing its kinda funny in a way. But I realized, that I didn't know it was wrong, and had no evil intentions, therefore I can forgive myself. Even if I chose to dwell on it, it would only make my life unnecessarily harder. But I think thats kinda the catch with OCD; even if you REALIZE its pointless or untrue, sometimes you can't control it.

The really best thing you can and should do, I think, is try to move on from it. I realize this is probably easier said than done, but coming from a stranger, I can tell that you are no freak, or any other bad thing you might be thinking you are, because of this experience. The fact that you regret and are very worried about it, shows in fact how sane you are! haha.

Its normal. Please know that I do not judge you AT ALL for anything as silly and distant in the past as that. I realize it might seem a lot more significant to you, as I said before, I have experience a similar issue in the past. But finally, I forgave myself. I feel normal, in that aspect, again.

Hope I helped you in any way. Like I said, I'm not very eloquent so I feel anxiety even on message boards like this. I tend to lurk, usually.

BTW I have OCD, obsessive and intrusive thoughts galore. My meds help keep them semi-tolerable.

If you are open to that as an option, I find it can be helpful.

Take care.

[richeye]

I know the feeling of being too embarrassed to talk about obsessive thoughts. I was convinced i was becoming homosexual after a gay guy hit on me, and i was too embarrassed to talk to anybody about it. I told my pdoc and she was the first person to say that i had ocd. My mom, whose brother was gay, told me that i wasn't gay and that i needed to stop drinking and let the Zoloft start working.

I also became obsessed that I was going to hell for blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. I was scared out of my mind to talk to a Priest about it because I was convinced he'd confirm that i was going to hell. But when i did talk to a Priest he told me that i hadn't done anything wrong.

In essence, your fears of pedophilia are related to OCD, not reality.