Pdoc/T is on holidays. I have had this thought before but we've never really addressed it more than to say to dismiss it. Every morning my first thought is

"I dont want to do this anymore"

as in, I dont want to live life anymore.

It stays constant through out the day unless I medicate it away. I regularly exercise, eat well and meditate. I have a list of coping strategies to go through when I get sui but its not even like that, it is just the thought that I dont want to do any of this anymore. I am not actively trying to stop my life but nothing seems to stop the thought popping up. I very rarely will take PRN to get rid of it, more usually opting for sitting it out or drinking and smoking.

Why is this a constant thought even though I feel pretty much stable, not depressive and am not having too many functioning difficulties? As I am writing this thread I have become aware that I recently had a PTSD anniversary and I went a little off the rails. I feel stable now though.

I'd really love some insight. If it has anything to do with it I am diagnosed OCD, BPII and GAD.

[CantExplain]

Would it be helpful to suggest that there are voices in your head that aren't really you, but a distorted echo of things other people have said?

[ScarletPimpernel]

I also suffer from sui ideation. I have had these thoughts daily for the last 19 years. Because of this, my brain is wired to go to those thoughts. My Pdoc said that once a door has been opened for so long in a neural pathway, you can never completely close it. But you can develop new pathways, and through practice and repetition, you brain will use the new network more often than the old.

I found this article that explains it well: https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/s...eural-pathways

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I also suffer from sui ideation. I have had these thoughts daily for the last 19 years. Because of this, my brain is wired to go to those thoughts. My Pdoc said that once a door has been opened for so long in a neural pathway, you can never completely close it. But you can develop new pathways, and through practice and repetition, you brain will use the new network more often than the old.

I found this article that explains it well: https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/s...eural-pathways

That sounds like whats going on. Its been so long that I have been on and off actively sui for Im not surprised it has made changes to the pathways in my brain.

Kinda makes me a bit low knowing how much harder I am still going to have to work. I do challenge the thought every time it comes up but it is constant.

The thought turns into "I CANT do this anymore" and thats when I hit trouble. I totally believe it and am completely hopeless.

Cant wait til I can go back to therapy, really thought I'd be fine over the break but its been a mess.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I can totally relate. I've always wished for a switch in my brain to just shut it off when I get to that place. It's not fun.

[Suraya]

I feel exactly the same way. I'm not going to take my life, but each day it's a task just to get through. I just don't want to do it anymore.

[RubyRains]

Haven't we all had days where we say "I don't want to do this anymore?". I know I've said it but not every day. I don't think mine is related to sui. I just want someone to take the burden away from me so I could just be happy for once.

[ScarletPimpernel]

The thoughts for me isn't just wishing for a break. My thoughts include plans, details, how to impact my loved ones the least. On good days, they are fleeting...like a fly that is just annoying. But on bad day, the thoughts support my emotional state and then it becomes dangerous.

The thoughts themselves are about sui, but they don't reflect intention. I also have thoughts like: I don't want to do this anymore, what's the point?, I just want this pain to stop. Those I chalk up to the exhaustion of my other thoughts and emotions.

***TRIGGER WARNING***
Example: On my way to therapy, there's a bridge I have to take over another freeway. Sometimes the thought pops into my head to just drive off. Most times, the thought comes up, but there's no intent behind the thought. A few times though, I really felt like doing it. What stops me is that my fiance is in the car and I will not put his life in danger. I have thoughts like this daily...multiple times a day. I don't want to picture these things. When I recognize they are there, I try to distract myself so I don't let my mind get immersed.

It sounds very much like OCD thinking, the pure obsessional type. Is the OCD something you deal with very much in therapy?

I've been diagnosed with OCD, the style of therapy I do is not your usual, I have brought it up but all I have been told is to observe the thought and let it pass.

I am actually completely suicidal when the "I CANT" thought gets into my head. Dangerously so.


I am screaming for help right now but no one seems to hear me.