[kayleigh1414]

I'm a female and I'm 18 years old. Iv'e had OCD from around the age of 13 maybe earlier. I think I may be bisexual and have been questioning on and off since I was around 15. I only began to get compulsions a few months ago.

Basically, I get obsessions, compulsions and I do checking behaviors revolving around making sure I'm not a lesbian. e.g. if I don't do (insert random action here) again then I will be a lesbian. Then there are all of the average checking behaviors around 'HOCD' or whatever you want to call it.

I have always identified as straight but as stated above iv'e been questioning since 15. I have kissed both genders around the same amount of times and have had good and bad experiences with both. I have had around 2 crushes on boys in real life but there are a lot of male celebrities I like. I don't have a clue about any crushes on girls because I'm all confused. As a kid I was a tomboy and my 'crushes' on celebrity boys (like Zac Efron in high school musical) were all based on admiration, I guess. I would pretend to be Zac Efron and all the boys I had crushes on and I don't know what that means.

All I know is that I like guys but I do not fear being bi. I want to kiss more girls and maybe even date one but I can't figure out if I'm actually attracted to girls or if it's my OCD tricking me. I have never heard of someone having obsessions, compulsions and checking behaviors to make sure they do not like the same sex but at the same time want to kiss or maybe even date the same sex. If I was gay or bi nobody I know would actually care and as I said the idea of being a lesbian (I know I am not one) or bi doesn't scare me. I'm not bothered either way I just want to know what is going on. I want to know if I am just denying liking girls or not. Also sometimes, when I'm not thinking about it I just carry on my life being straight but then I will see a pretty girl or kiss a girl whilst drunk and question everything again but this needs to stop but I just can't figure it out.

Please help me. I'm just about ready to rip my hair out. Thanks if you answer.

[healingme4me]

A little research of my own turned up that it's indeed an intrusive thought process, HOCD, increasing fear and anxiety and can lead to depression. Are you currently in therapy? With someone trained in helping those with a sexual identity crisis?

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