[Justagirll]

Some guys I've been with in the past, I haven't really enjoyed. And I can recall feeling even uncomfortable with a few but I knew that I felt that way. Then were were ones who I've been the complete opposite with. Does that make me gay in denial? I've also had female attraction in the past and experimentation. Most of it I didn't like but one time I sort of did. But I couldn't see myself doing more than kissing her and I never developed feelings. I've even straight my whole life. I really don't want to be gay. I've had two "crushes" on girls in the past but they were only like an attraction when I was around them and never any fantasizing or at least not the way I have always felt about guys. One guy I dated I even broke up with because he sounded too much like a girl. And I felt uncomfortable. Also, with guys, I can be total into one but I don't like every part of his body physically. Like I notice things I don't like or things that are weird and specific things I do like, but it doesnt stop me from liking the guy. Like I'm attracted to him but I often see specific things on him as still weird or they make me uncomfortable but I brush it off. Do I do that becsuse I'm actually lesbian in denial? I'm so confused. I have only had actual crushes on/feelings for guys in the past, mostly fantasized about guys with a few lesbian fantasies here and there that would make me feel repulsed after I masturbated, and I have always considered myself straight. I even went to pride fest and made out with a girl but felt weird afterwards. I only kinda liked it during, when my eyes were closed, but when I realized it was a girl I would get anxious and feel grossed out or scared. I'm very accepting of the homosexual lifestyle, it just doesn't feel like me. But now I doubt every feeling or attraction to guys and think "maybe I made it up or convinced myself of it because I'm actually gay." And then I think that no, I'm not, and it freaks me out because I feel like I'm lying to myself or something. I'm naturally attracted to guys and check out guys and thinking about guys or dating guys feels natural and comfortable to me. I've always been boy crazy, even. But some encounters with boys I haven't exactly enjoyed, so I get confused and freak out. But then there's also some that I REALLY have. And there's a lot of guys I'm hopelessly attracted to in a deep sexual way, and sexting boys turns me on without the guilty or repulsed feeling afterwards like if were to sext a girl. I avoid certain situations, because I'm afraid I'll be attracted to girls and I have mostly guy friends but I've always liked hanging out with guys only because I've always wanted to be around cute ones or get with them. But maybe it's because I'm a lesbian and I haven't accepted it? Idk I feel like I'm not but these thoughts are so confusing. I'm attracted to most of my guy friends or I have been at one point but these thoughts make me think that "it's just friendship. You want to remain in denial so you always think it's more." But I've thought girls are hot or thought I was attracted to female friends but I would never want to date them or actually do anything about it. The girl on girl thing turns me on but somehow I feel like I wouldn't actually participate? Please help me, this is destroying my life and I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and OCD as it is. I have all my life. I don't know what thoughts are my own anymore because I have these constant unwanted ones. "Maybe you would be happier with a girl" "maybe you think she's attractive" "maybe you want to do romantic and sexual stuff with girls, that you do with guys" and I constantly check myself, or analyze everything, and convince myself I'm straight. Also, no matter what, I'm always worried. I have a lot of male fiends like I said, and I've always thought it's because I have low self esteem and I love the attention from guys, and some of them I even get attracted to-- and I always hung out with female friends with the intention of meeting up with cute boys. But now I start to doubt that, or think I'm turning gay, or that I'll get feelings for one of my female friends which I really, really do NOT want. Help me. What is going on?? I even had a crush on a boy recently and he doesn't like me anymore, and it really hurt to find out, but now I doubt whether or not I even liked him-- I tend to get over guys or stop liking them really easily and then on to the next. This makes me fear maybe I have had no lasting stuff bc I'm actually gay, But I have been in love once with a boy and it never really went away. Still, Sometimes this OCD and anxiety makes me doubt that. Even though I spent two years almost pining and crying over him. And he was my best friend for 3 years. Maybe I mistake friendship for actual attraction/feelings and I have been doing that with guys all my life? But it doesn't feel like that. The thoughts just make me think that even though I know it's not true. And I've never felt the way about a girl as I have about a guy, physically or whatnot. The one time I did enjoy a lesbian encounter I don't even know if I actually enjoyed it. I was at a Halloween party and everyone was making out with everyone, and I made out with a close friend a few times and enjoyed being close to her and hugging and stuff... But I don't know if I enjoyed it sexually, you know?-- plus I had a huge crush on a boy that was there and I cried because I thought I ruined everything with him. Plus I felt really anxious and uncomfortable around the girl I kissed, next time I saw her, and I freaked out because I didn't want to enjoy what happened and it gave me a really bad, almost gross feeling. I avoided her for awhile because I was scared I was going to end up attracted to her. And deep down I knew I couldn't have imagined hooking up or going further or being romantic with her. But the thoughts tell me that I'm just lesbian in denial and I actually enjoyed it and I couldn't accept it. Ive always been the boy crazy girl and I never doubted my sexuality until this stuff like kicked in. I know urges and thoughts and fantasies are normal but I just am so scared I'm gay. I could never imagine myself gay. I've even slept with guys and I havent enjoyed it most times, although I enjoy foreplay and stuff, the actual sex has only been good a few times. Still, I'm drawn to guys and I want to know what's all in my head and what I really am. I've tried admitting or accepting or saying I'm bisexual or gay and it never feels right. I know everyone would accept me I just couldn't handle it myself. I can't see myself not being into guys.

[CANDC]

Welcome Justagirll. Sorry you are having mixed feelings about sex. It does not mean you are either bi or gay, it could mean you have had experiences that are painful or tough to experience and sex triggers those.

Others tell me that their men are not interested in intimacy, so important for a woman to be fully aroused and feeling safe before sex begins.

Many people find a therapist helps work through some of this.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Justagirl!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. There are many here who will be able to relate from personal experience and offer you feedback.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[MusicMike]

I certainly think OCD is a factor in the sense it sounds like you have a hard time with obsessing on the issue and analyzing every angle. I'm sorry you are going through this. Perhaps therapy could help you sort out which thoughts and feelings are genuinely your own and which are meaningless obsessions.

[Hexagram]

It's completely okay to be straight or bisexual or gay, but you shouldn't put such pressure on yourself to decide or declare an exclusive affiliation if your attractions are fluid. There are many colors in the rainbow.

[thecrankyone]

What Hex said. If you're mutually attracted to someone, gender id shouldn't matter. I also tend to over think everything, be it important or minor, until I can't stop thinking about it.