[Skippingdisc]

I'm a 22 year old female who's always been obsessed with guys, dates guys got excited for first dates etc. Even was married to one but that ended up in shambles a while back for other reasons and I was heart broken. After that I slowly started dating again, and again had the mentality 'the future is unwritten I have a chance to mind another man who makes me happy' one day... I don't need to find my next husband, I'm only 22 and I realize that, but the thought of dating again sounded great to me! I'm super close to my family, my mom and sister lived with me at my duty station for about a year, it was great! I worked and came home to family, had a boyfriend on the side with no big pressure, then a week before they moved back to their home state, I had recalled this lesbian dream that I had, and slowly but surely my mind wS going nuts and I couldn't kick the thoughts l, it's been a month now since it's been bad, and I'm PRAYING it's ocd. I had very bad ocd when I was younger and imagined my mother dying, the worst part of those thoughts were that it was me who was doing it 😣 I kicked that thought wth some work. I realized it was ocd, but this time, 8 years later it feels so real. I haven't been able to enjoy things I normally would. I'm in leave now visiting my family and I can barely enjoy time at home because of the damn thoughts. Please someone, any input?
Even in the past, I'll admit I've flirted with a girl before online but stopped cuz it felt weird. I guess maybe it's something so 'different' it was fun. But nothing I wanted to pursue in real life. I've also gotten hit on by 3 attractive girls at a bar before, half the time I was fairly intoxicated, and I laughed it off! Took the compliment and said 'I'm flattered but nope!' I'm not a homophobe I have gay friends but it's slowly making me over analyze everything, even to why my marriage ended 😔 the thought of being next to a woman in bed makes me sick and makes my anxiety go up but my mind is saying 'that's what you want give in!' But I can't. It's not what I want but my mind is so exhausted. I can picture myself having a good emotional relationship with a female FRIEND, considering I don't have many real female friends since the close ones to me got stationed somewhere else.
I want these thoughts to go away. I did it when I was younger after a year of crying myself to sleep, I was strong enough. I need to find the strength now, without meds preferably because I'm in the military... What do others think? Does anyone else feel like this? Writing it out makes me feel so stupid but it's such a real mindset right now and it terrifies the hell out of me!!!
I want to be the confident happy bubbly person I was before, who could flirt with confidence and was aware of who she was. I want this demon off my shoulder and an willing to approach it head on if that's what it takes, I just don't know where to start right now. I've never been so down, it's like you've lost your identity!!!

[kaliope]

i have a technique i use for unwanted thoughts. i have a door at the front of my mind and one at the back of my mind. the thoughts come in the front door and the only attention i give them is to notice them long enough to escort them out the back door. they are like clouds drifting through. i do not become attached to them, the only thing i think in my head is "thats it, out the back door". i will even visualize the thought being thrown out of my mind like a bouncer throwing a drunk out of a bar.

[Skippingdisc]

Thank you for that technique. My mood the past few days has been a bit better. My anxiety has gone down and I'm being apathetic about the thoughts, but I'm anxious now they won't go away for good. I really want them gone for good in the future. This hocd crap really exists? It's really draining my soul. I just wanna feel normal again.

[ah__94]

Hear hear, I feel your pain. This crap really makes you doubt all your heterosexual experiences in the past.. Sigh.