[markantony681]

Hi, I am a 20 year old male.

My journey with pure O began this past summer. One day last summer I was slicing apples and suddenly the thought popped into my head, "What if you cut off your genitals? From that point on the image of me castrating myself would not leave me head no matter how hard I tried. I knew in my core that it was something I did not want to do yet I felt like my brain kept telling me otherwise. Then I remember one day thinking "At least your not picturing yourself as a woman," and then suddenly I kept picturing myself as a woman. I tried everything to get it stop, I googled pictures of men's clothes, slept in my men's suites and kept looking at myself in the mirror. I also forced myself to stop listening to female singers and convinced myself I had to give up admiring any female role models NOTHING WORKED. Finally I googled symptoms and came across Pure OCD and felt that it matched me perfectly. I felt a brief sense of relief, but within a week the symptoms were back.

Finally in the Fall I saw a therapist and she told me that I had textbook symptoms of OCD and made me realize that in the past I had brief glimpses of it as well (obssessively locking and rechecking my bedroom door during childhood, intermittment fears of killing my parents, afraid of shouting out obscenities during church,) from my past. Again I found relief, but it still kept coming back.

Then after some ERP (I would basically just google image trans women and stare at them) things started to get better, the symptoms didn't dissapear, but I could breathe through them. However now, with the stress of finals the symptoms are coming back full force. I can't stop picturing myself demasculating myself and my brain keeps telling me that I don't want my genitals even though I know I want them. It's horribly I can't stop pacing, shaking and crying and worst of all I can't focus on my work. I keep checking to make sure my genitals are still there. The worst part is though I have this unexplainable feeling that my genitals are mentally detached from me and that if I am not somehow able to feel my genitals then they are not there. I had a similar feeling during my first bout of this in the summer when I felt as if they were breasts on my chest even though there weren't and I kept pushing on my chest to ensure that it was flat.

I don't really know why I am writing this. I need help and I need reassurance. I have never questioned my gender, and even though I was admittedly a little feminine as a boy, (these past memories keep getting thrown in my face now that this has started) I grew into manhood without any questions or concerns. I always liked my body, and if anything wanted to have the most masculine body as possible. I tried during ERP again although this time images are not as triggering, I can see the image without getting anxiety but when I leave the image my anxiety returns at my own mental images.

Please excuse my ranting but I would appreciate any comments at all

[Skeezyks]

Hello markantony681: I don't really know anything about the type of struggle you are dealing with. So I will leave comments with regard to that to others. However, I simply wanted to welcome you to PsychCentral. I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.