bare with me im new at this

Ok, first i want to say i am very new to this and i am so scared to even be writing this because i usually dont post this on forums. My ocd is getting out of control and i am seeing a great psycholgist and he is helping me a great deal but he is not helping me good enough.and sorry for the spelling errors*

and grammactical errors because its late and im scared and shaking while im writing this and btw im not from the uk, im from usa.*

here is my story and it will explain why i have ocd and how it started getting bad

*i am 31 years old and i will be turning 32 in august of this year. when i was 22 which was almost 10 years ago. me and my cousins watched porn, one of my cousins was 15 and the other cousin was 12 and we was very close and laughed and had fun together and i am a gay male and we just watched it to have fun and my mom *knew we watched it and there parents knew we watched it and didnt think nothing of it. somehow i dont know if i was feeling guilty or just was curious about it but i started asking around poiliceman online if i coulld be in trouble and they said no since nothing happened i should be fine but that was not good enough for me i had to write every cop agency and every fbi agency in the world until one day two or three state troopers come knocking on my door and i was scared to death. they came to question me about what all happened. once they questioneed me they realized it was dumb and nothing would come of it. also i had informed them that a while back i had thought i came across illegal porn online so i called the fbi and asked them if they would let me bring it in and show them and they said no so i took it up to them anyways and they got mad and kept it and when i called them later on to get it back they said it was sitting there all that time and they had not even looked at it. once the police got done quewstioning me though i felt like i was n ot honest with them about some things like what my email addresses was and my sexual orientiation and little things that really didnt matter so i wrote the detective two letters and mailed them to him. then about months later we got a letter saying i was indicted for two counts of obsecene matter or something with minors and i had to go to court soon. so when i went to court the stipulation was i could not see my cousins until the case was over and that was hard because we was close. well it took years to get it all resolved and finally we got to talk againand the case was dismissed and the oldest cousin talks to me but the younger one doesnt because she felt i was so dumb for telling cops that shes scared ill report something else because i failed to mention they had to go up to police station and it scared them . so if that was not enough i got into trouble one last time but this time it was not involoiciing them.

i dont know why i did this but about six years ago i think i was on my computer and i keyed in what is child porn and i started digging and digging because i dont know why i did it honestly and i even told my counselor i have now this but i know for sure it was not because i liked little kids or minors sexually thats a fact. i came across some pictures and at the time didnt think nothing of it but i saved them to show my attorney because i wanted to see if he thought they was illegal or not because my family said they wasnt but i thought they was. well the counselor i started having at the time i went to her for the first or second time and told her what had happened and she reported it to the law and the counselor i have now said she should not have done that. well the fbi came and questioned me this time along with the same two police officers who questioned me regarding my cousin and mind you this happened six years ago. well before they came i destroyed my compuyter because i was worried and i told them that when they questioned me. they looked at the other computer i had and they found nothing because the one that i saved the pics on was the one i desdtroyed. well they left and it has been six years and i havent heard anything. **

* *i have wrote tons of attorneys over the years because my attorney got so tired of dealing with me he wont return my emails or wont let me have an appointment unless i am charged because he got tired of dealing with my worrying over silliness. i know its been six years but i still worry every time i see a cop car or everytime i see a car like it. i still to this day write attorneys because i will think of another thing to ask and i will write them and ask them and i have even had some of them to threaten to call the law if i did not stop writing them. i am scared one day i will end up in trouble because i just cannot stop worrying. i dont like kids sexually and i dont have an attraction to kids and never have., i just worry all the time like i worry that well they can get me through the wifi router or the isp records or the isp address. i know it has been six years but i still cant stop worrying.*


here is the thing too i cant even enjoy my life because everyone i meet friends and potential mates or anyone for that matter i feel like if i dont tell them the whole story of this stuff i am cheating them and exzpecially if they have kids i feel like if i dont tell them theyd be like i have kids and you didnt tell me this how could you. my counselor said it is noones buisness but i dont know what to think. am i cheating people when i dont trell them or not. also i cant even watch a tv program or go out without saying to myself your a normal person and i am not because i have been in trouble and you havent. i just cant let this go.

can anyone chime in and please dont be rude because i have heard rudeness before i need people who understand ocd and will help me

Hello gagafanforever: I'm sorry you are experiencing such difficulty. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. I don't know as there is much I can offer with regard to this. However I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

i want to delete my account can someone help with this

Here is the directions. Sabby is the admin who does deletions.
https://forums.psychcentral.com/faq....ni#faq_removal