[PaintMarker]

New here, sorry if this is not the best place for this post.

Recently I was browsing the internet and came across a blog/ journal entry of a woman explaining how she came to the realization of her fetishes. In which she described memories of herself as a 5 year old child 'masturbating'.

Now, the reason I was even in this part of the internet was because I shared the fetishes and turn ons this woman was describing. And as I read I myself grew aroused at what she had written.

Everything was just about up my ally except for the fact this was all involving a child. And that's where I broke shortly after completing her blog post.


I felt very ashamed and felt as though I had violated a child when all I had done was read a collection of memories someone willingly shared for all to see.

Stranger still I have the urge to go back to the journal entry read it again and see if I still get aroused from it. As if to prove something to myself.

I know in my heart of hearts that I am not sexually attracted to children. I may have problems but that's not on the list.

I cannot shake the feeling that this is the beginning of a path I do not wish to walk.

Thanks.

[PaintMarker]

Quick update.

It's been a month now since I first ran across the aforementioned story and my situation has changed little.

For months even before this I had numerous bouts of OCD/ panic attacks while browsing the internet for porn. Fearing constantly that what I had viewed was potentially illegal or contained an underage actor or something similar even though the persons all appeared to be adults.

After some recent research I found out apparently what I'm suffering from is POCD. Apparently people stress out about potentially being a pedophile / child molester.

And now with this most recent problem I'm in a seemingly endless cycle of reassurance and reasoning with myself that despite reading this woman's memories of herself developing her fetish as a child, that I still am not the sort of person who wants to abuse children. That what caused me to get an erection while reading her blog was the fetish itself and her actions of self pleasure, not the fact that she was a 5 year old while doing these things.

And there doesn't really seem to be a way out. I can't unread what I've read. I can't undo what I've done or what I think I've done. It's like a part of me is unable to be reasoned with. I can't move on.

Perhaps this is my conscience telling me that enough is enough; that I need to break away from the endless hours of browsing for porn and do something else with my free time.

I need some help.

[Shazerac]

Hello, welcome to psych central.

I think that you are obsessing with internet research and trying to label yourself. I don't know anything about you. However I do know that sometimes people who were abused as children can find themselves inexplicably aroused by porn involving children. Also many people have fantasies that they would not want to actually act out. This is entirely normal.

I strongly urge you to see a therapist if you can to try and sort out your emotions and find some help instead of torturing yourself. Our sexual inclinations are complicated and a fundamental part of who we are. It's nothing to be ashamed about and a competent professional would not be shocked. You deserve help, please get it

[PaintMarker]

Thank you for your reply.

Perhaps I should give a little bit more info on myself to give a better picture.

I am a 22 year old male, and thankfully I was not sexually abused as a child.

I suppose I've had some form of OCD that I could recognize for much of my life. I didn't realize it until after the fact. It usually manifested in one way or another. Worrying if I had locked my toolbox at work, or punch out correctly at the time clock. Things like that.

Seems like my latest faze of this is some form of POCD.

Though talking to people has at least made me feel better and again I thank you.

[spondiferous]

I don't know much about POCD but I have OCD and the main way that manifests is through intrustive/disturbing thoughts. I have all kinds of things occur to me, all kinds of fears about what if I'm a serial killer/pedo/etc. I know I'm not. But the OCD part, when it gets going, can convince me of almost anything, which is what makes it so terrifying.

I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with you, based on the info you've given, but I certainly understand your concern. The best I can say is that in my experience, even when things surface and stick around for sometimes weeks or months on end, they do eventually lessen with time. Have you thought about DBT? Do you know what it is? I've found some of the skills to be extremely useful in states of obsession/distress. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. Best of luck on your journey.