'False awareness' of hyperawareness ?

omanytee · Apr 24, 2018 at 01:41 AM

So I think I've had this hyperawareness with intrusive thought issue for around 6 years at least, thing is that till 2 years ago I was completely treating it as a normal thing that I've to deal with forever, no matter how much it was hurting my life.
What happened was that at the end of 2016 I think I simply decided that something is wrong with me and I should not have to deal with these thoughts. It gave me kind of relief from the intrusive thoughts from 'knowing' this. So all my 'awareness' and everything I talk about this problem is just said half assedly with the hope that it is a problem. There probably IS something wrong with me, but I'm still stuck in this hopeful/false awareness mode, and I don't have a real/normal awareness of the problem like everyone does. Because of this there is no normal motivation to do things to fix myself. I obviously go to psychaitrists and therapists because I 'know' something is wrong with me, but my motivation is not real. Everything I say is basically made up, maybe to give myself relief from the intrusive thoughts.
I hope that made sense. Anyone experience this ?

Shazerac · Apr 25, 2018 at 01:55 PM

What exactly is “wrong” with you? Deciding that you don’t have deal with these thoughts actually sounds like a good thing.

omanytee · Apr 26, 2018 at 01:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shazerac

What exactly is “wrong” with you? Deciding that you don’t have deal with these thoughts actually sounds like a good thing.

Here is my post about the problem on this site, can't post links yet -

Quote:

Please bear with me. I don't know why but I can't explain as well as you usually see people do.
From almost 6 years I guess I've been more and more focusing on unconscious physical/mental processes. It started when I was on a trip, with me focusing on my own mouth and thinking about its unconscious state. The thought made me feel extremely bad (anxious, I guess), to the point I had the thought of killing myself. So I tried very hard to escape from the thought by trying to forget it by focusing on other things. Shortly I forgot about it, but it came again multiple times and bothered me, and whenever it did my mindset was like "I had forgotten the thought all this time and lived peacefully". Then for a year I kept getting this one thought here and there, and iirc I had a few other intrusive
thoughts.
In 2014 my mindset got rapidly strange. I started wondering about very basic things about the mind, like this (post from 4-5 years ago): answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20140414111335AAF3hiL . My mindset became very 'live in the moment' kind of thing. Soon my functioning also got horribly worse. Actions of chewing and bathing became 'manual'. More and more daily activities got 'ruined'. I had less and less things to do because of the thoughts ruining everything
For eg: If I'm watching a TV show with subtitles I would start thinking about the process of reading the subtitles along
with watching the show, then the process becomes manual and I start manually moving my eyes around the screen... something
like thinking about an unconscious process ruins it. I can't explain more than that. There are so many thoughts I feel that would ruin it. I think now just thinking 'What if this thing gets ruined/what if I mess it up' does the job. I'm not able to function at all.
Worst thing is that I think my thinking is too broken to the point that I say I have a mental illness but don't actually feel so, it's like I'm normal and calling normal things a mental illness. I feel very unmotivated to write or say
all this. How am I supposed to make an effort to fight this thing in this state if it comes to it ?
I have double vision from 2-3 years (I assume from stress?) and am starting to feel light headed recently. My life is just absolutely stuck in one place until this gets better. I've been going to therapists for a year but I've not been able to make them understand anything at all, most times just nothing comes out. I've done an MRI scan of my head hoping there was something physically wrong but nope.
What am I supposed to do ? I'm so tired now.

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'False awareness' of hyperawareness ?

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