[jpwills]

I apologise in advance for the very long post, I’m new here and I’m not even sure I’m posting in the right place but I’m currently at rock bottom. I have suffered with OCD for a good few months now. Themes have varied from harm ocd, POCD, drugs ocd, suicide ocd, hold. You name it. I’ve been suffering with distressing obsessive thoughts that seem to have come from nowhere. I also have nieces and nephews that I love dearly like they’re my own children and I would never dream of doing anything to cause them harm. I also studied childcare at college, I am a very caring person by nature so these thoughts trouble me deeply. since then I’ve been thinking of all my past behaviours to see if I’ve done anything inappropriate or cruel to the children (not sexual, but just anything). The only thing I’ve come up is the early relationship I had with my partner of 11 years Nephew. We class him as my nephew too. He is my partners sisters son and he is now 6. I remember feeling worried when he was first born that everyone would love him and prefer him over the niece on my side of the family (silly I know). I almost felt jealous of him and couldn’t allow myself to find him cute or sweet because of this. I recall one day in the car when he was around 1 year old (5 years ago) He was throwing his ball on the floor constantly for me to pick it up and then he pulled my hair. I don’t know why I did it it but I squeezed his hand. It wasn’t hard enough to leave a mark and his hand wasn’t red. He didn’t even make a sound but he did look at me as if to say that hurt! He continued to throw his ball around the car and I squeezed his hand again as I bent to pick it up. I don’t know why on earth I did this. I think I was trying to show him no don’t do that and gently remind him not to do it. I didn’t feel confident enough to discipline him verbally in front of his grandmother. It can’t have bothered him much as he continued to throw the ball anyway and tug at my hair. In his early years up to around 3 he’d come to our house occasionally and spend time with my niece and I can’t help but worry that I was more strict with him than I should’ve been and more protective over my niece, like some sort of defensive mechanism that my partner and everyone else preferred him to her (pathetic and incorrect. I was a silly 20 year old and have matured tremendously since). I remember another time taking him to nursery and he was crying then because he never wanted to be with anyone apart from his grandmother who wrapped him up in cotton wool. I must’ve held his hand too tight (the memory is very vague and sometimes I wonder if they’re false memories trying to convince me I did this purposely to hurt him ) and he said ouch you’re hurting my hand and I instantly stopped in horror and said I’m sorry baby! It’s like I was horrified by my own actions. His mum would occasionally tease him, she’s that kind of mum. But when I did the same , my partner would tell me not too so I’m also obsessing over that. Was I inappropriate? I remember I’d say things like mummy’s gone to the shop now you’ve got to stay with us and he’d cry, or I’d say quick a monsters coming so he would cuddle me and I could comfort him, I think deep down I wanted him to like me. I remember praising my niece over him when they were together but I felt like his side of the family would praise him over her in the same respect, this was probably my insecurities and sounds ridiculous now. I just feel like I’m obsessing over this and questioning myself, was I too rough with him in play? I remember pushing him down a slide once when playing a game, he’d sit and I’d push, one time he tumbled over. Did I do this too hard intentionally? Did I want to hurt him? Did I used to squeeze his cheeks just that bit too hard or swing him around a bit too much even though he’d laugh and laugh? I’m obsessing over my motives and intentions and second guessing myself. Surely I wouldn’t have wanted to hurt him? I love him, I love children. I want to be a mum, or I did until this got me suicidal. I’ve been with my partner 11 years, we were ready until these memories came back to me. My nephew and I have a great relationship and have had for years, in fact I’m one of his favourites and I’d never harm a hair on his head. We’ve been on family holidays together where he didn’t leave my side, as soon as I go to his house he’s straight to me on my lap hugging and kissing me. I just can’t help obsessing over these minor moments thinking that this makes me some kind of monster who should never have children. The teasing, squeezing on two occasions, play fighting where I’m questioning was I too rough? Was I meaning to hurt him? The thought of this makes me sick to my stomach. Surely I wasn’t?! I love him, and all my nieces and nephews dearly. Why can’t I stop obsessing over this? I know it was wrong to tease him and be strict / snappy with him. But am I a terrible person? :’( I’ve felt suicidal over this. I even told my partner and he said yes it is wrong to do that but he knows I love children and it would’ve been a mistake I made. But it’s impacting my life obsessing over this memory from 4-5 years ago. I feel like his mum would kill me if she knew. I just can’t cope anymore I’m just glad my nephew and partner still loves me.

[Skeezyks]

Hello jpwills: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this guilt & these obsessive thoughts. You didn't mention if you see a therapist. Having the opportunity to talk through all of this at-length & in-depth, with a skilled therapist, may be the best way to put it to rest. Another more private approach would be to start a journaling practice. Here are links to 5 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject to give you an idea as to the potential benefits & how to get started:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-hea...of-journaling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/using-...o-reclaim-joy/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...s-and-anxiety/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-jour...your-emotions/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/30-jou...elf-discovery/

You mentioned having studied child care in college but that all of this has caused you to doubt your fitness as a potential parent. There is a forum, here on PC, dedicated to the subject of healthy parenting. That might be one forum that would be of interest to you. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/healthy-parenting/

Here's a link to a listing of articles, compiled by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D., on how to cope with feelings of guilt. Perhaps some of the information in these articles, can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/guilt/

And then, also, here are links to 2 articles on how to cope with regrets:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/living...eal-with-them/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/let-go...give-yourself/

My best wishes to you...

[jpwills]

Thank you so much for replying to me with this helpful information! I’m going to check out those links right away because all I’m doing is crying over this. I’m so lost and low. Please could you tell me your opinion on what I’ve done? I know I shouldn’t seek reassurance but I just need to hear an outsiders perspective. I feel like I’ve committed child abuse and I do see a therapist but am terrified to confess this in case she calls the police on me .