[Helpmeplease88]

Hi all... I want to share my story.

Background: I am a 30 y/o female who has been attracted to men her whole life. As a girl I crushed on boys, I lusted over male teachers, as a teen and young woman I always had boyfriends. None of these were "forced" - I truly just did whatever felt good and right. All of my emotional and romantic feelings were toward males, and with age also came the desire to be sexual with these men. I currently am married to a man for the past 4 years.

On another note, I was diagnosed as having OCD starting at 8 years old. My first obsession revolved around being terrified to vomit, and it lasted years. I would even engage in prayer rituals to "stop" me from becoming ill. This obsession faded over time, once I finally accepted that people barf sometimes. Go figure. Fast forward to my teen years, and I battled with extreme Harm OCD for a number of months. All I did was fantasize about my own suicide, and it scared me to death. I didn't even want to die. In time, this obsession also faded. Now, this past year (at 30) I have dealt with 4 different obsessions. 4! In the past 6 months. I have had a very rough year in terms of my health (I was diagnosed with 2 autoimmune disorders), was having a rough time at work, and have been having intimacy problems / talks of possible seperation with my husband. All of this has brought my anxiety and depression to an all time high and ill admit I feel incredibly vulnerable. This year alone I dealt with the following obsessions: "Everyone thinks I am a bigot and they hate me", "The government is spying on me through google", "I am being haunted by a demon", "I might be a lesbian". The first three obsessions each had a trigger that started them, and they spiraled out of control. I KNOW that those obsessions are irrational, but they were very real at the time. I spent HOURS a day worrying, mentally checking, replaying situations in my head, deleting my search history, googling demonic possessions, engaging in prayer rituals, asking for reassurance, etc.

Rewind to around 2 months ago. I was ruminating about issues with my husband, and am very broken hearted that he expressed the desire to seperate. It was eating me alive. I kept going back in our relationship to see where I went wrong and effed up. Intimacy was a big problem for us for a while. For years, I had almost no sexual desire for him. I loved him dearly, but wasn't craving sex. I still tried to give in at times, but it was so hard to be aroused. My libido was so low. This could be for a variety of reasons - I have a hormonal disease (this was undiagnosed at the time but it is confirmed now), I suffer from depression and anxiety, and we fought A LOT. I definitely resented him for things. I would still give him oral sex, though It was a chore for me. I am not repulsed by it in any way, sometimes I enjoy it, but ouch, my jaw. Lol. Sorry. This was really upsetting becuse I remember a time where I was so excited to have sex with him and would initiate it myself. I kept thinking "what happened to me?!" And was so upset. Then I had the thought in my head... "maybe you dont want to have sex with him bc you would rather have a woman?" This startled me at first, but then I thought "I never had the desire to do that" and was able to brush it off.

Some time passes and I'm still upset about my husband and I. We still live together but life has become very cold and lonely. Around 3 weeks ago I was watching Oprah and there was a woman on the show who said she only figured out she was a lesbian at 35y/o, after she was married to a man for 7 years and the relationship didn't "seem right." All of a sudden I felt my chest tighten, my heart sink, and my heartbeat fasten. I was going to throw up. Alarm bells started going off. I was convinced that this was happening to me. This was my trigger, and ever since viewing this video, I have had the thought in my mind "I'm a lesbian and I had no clue."

Now, with Pure O, I went down the rabbit hole. I read almost every story online about how one comes out or knows they are gay for sure. I read every forum about being in denial. I have been constantly checking out other women to see if I am attracted and I have even had groinal responses. I also check out men to see if I am "still" attracted. Sometimes I am and sometimes I feel nothing. I have been imagining scenarios in my head to see if I would enjoy being with a woman. I can't even tell anymore, and I honestly don't want to find out. Sometimes the idea makes me anxious and a little nauseus and other times my mind tells me thats what I'm supposed to be doing. However, The thought of being a lesbian terrifies me, I know I sound homophobic, but I really dont want that life. I have nothing against LGBTQ people - I respect them and want them to live their best life. I just dont personally want that life.

One thing I have been doing a lot is questioning whether or not I am/was attracted to my female friends without knowing it. Wouldnt I have felt the same way about them that I did about males? Was I just repressing my attractions? Almost every woman I see now makes me anxious, especially if she is attractive or if she seems like shes a lesbian. I have been avoiding being around women and lesbians due to fear of being attracted. This sounds bizarre and I have never done this in my entire life. I am even being hypersensitive to how I act in order to not come across as a lesbian. I find myself noticing other women and thinking "omg is she a lesbian?!"

I have also been analyzing my past. When I was around 5 or 6, I remember seeing a photo of a woman in a bra and being excited about it. I have been using that as "evidence" for the "must be a lesbian" argument. In addition to that, I HAVE seen / been aroused by / masturbated to lesbian porn/images of naked women in the past. I have also done this to heterosexual porn. I also use this as "evidence" that i must be a lesbian. I do find a naked woman appealing/arousing, but I never once fantasized about BEING with one sexually. That was never a desire of mine. Thats when my mind brings me back to "no, not a lesbian". Looking at a naked man is mildly arousing for me, but not as much as a woman... but I have actually had the DESIRE to have sex with men multiple times in my life. This cycle of uncertainty is driving me insane.

Am I a lesbian so deep in the closet that I can't even decide if its real? Am I in such severe denial that I don't want to "admit" to myself that I am gay? Is this just a severe case of HOCD? Am I a lesbian who is suffering from OCD due to a lesbian realization?! I don't know who I am anymore. Why am I only having this thought now at 30 ? If I were a lesbian, shouldn't I have had feelings and desires toward women by now? Or is my OCD mind ****ing with me and playing tricks?! I love my husband and my biggest fear is losing him. And I don't want to lose him for good because I'm a lesbian and didn't know it.

Please. If anyone has any insight or thoughts... please help. I am desperate.

[Skeezyks]

Okay... well... I really don't know the answer to this. It may just be possible that this is all simply symptomatology related to your pure OCD & that trying to make anything other than that of it is just pure obfuscation. But I'm going to take a shot at this anyway. Hopefully there will be other more knowledgeable members who will offer their thoughts.

First off I'll tell you I'm an old man. But, among other things I've had a lifelong struggle with gender identity dysphoria. I never did anything about it. But I've always had it. And, as a result, I've maintained at least a passing interest in things related to gender identity & sexual orientation. (I've always been heterosexual by the way which made my gender identity issues just all that much more confusing.)

So anyway, as a result of my lifelong GID issues, a couple of things I've learned is that both gender identity & sexual orientation occur on continuums. The old gender & sexual orientation binaries simply no longer apply (if they ever did.) And wherever a person happens to come to rest along the sexual orientation continuum (in this case) is perfectly fine. So are you straight or are you lesbian? Perhaps you're not either one a hundred percent. Perhaps you fall somewhere in between. In point of fact, I think, most of us do. And that's perfectly okay. That doesn't mean you have to express whatever same-sex inclinations you have if you prefer not to. It just means that there are a few of them there swimming around within the constellation of your psyche, so to speak.

You questioned whether or not it makes sense that you would only be having these thoughts at the age of 30. I can't answer that authoritatively. But I have certainly come across numerous instances where transgender folks have said they didn't realize they were trans until they were well into their adulthood. So I see no reason why a person could not have some same-sex inclinations that they were unaware of until they were well into their adult years. There again, since I believe it's reasonable to say you don't have to be 100% one way or the other, I think it makes sense that you could be... say 85 or 95 percent straight & perhaps 5 or 15 lesbian & simply never had occasion previously to recognize or acknowledge that small part of you that could potentially be attracted to members of your own biological gender. (Am I making any sense here?)

The other point I'd just like to make here is that, in my own case, because I'm an older person, I spent most of my life living during a time when issues related to gender identity & sexual orientation simply were not considered to be fit topics for conversation. In fact I doubt anyone I ever knew, growing up, would have realized there could even be such a thing as gender identity disorder. So, as a result, I spent the vast majority of my life hiding my GID issues. It's only been within the past 10 years or so that I at least have become aware of gender identity dysphoria as being something that people have. (Up until then, I was pretty-much certain I was the only person in the history of the world who had ever been so afflicted.) The point being that being exposed to information through the media, & via contacts with other people, broadens our knowledge base & creates the potential for new possibilities. As a result, some of what you're experiencing here may simply be the result of having been exposed to new information & ideas that you may not have been aware of when you were younger.

Anyway... these are my (rather verbose) thoughts with regard to your post. I think if you want to delve into this more in depth a good way to do so would be with the help of a mental health therapist who is experienced in working with people who have sexual orientation issues. On the other hand, I would guess another option might be to simply view this as another manifestation of your ongoing OCD issues & address it that way. One thing is clear. Thoughts are just thoughts. You don't have to act on any of them if you don't want to. I wish you well...