[Bongo2015]

Hello everyone,

Posted a while ago about my mind believing intrusive thoughts are real. Well it has become so much much worse since. Literally cannot trust my mind to believe what I am seeing. Starting to believe my own mental pictures as reality leading to obsessive checking. So mentally tired, exhausted and strained at the moment. Starting to fear EVERYTHING even being in the house.

I've always had intrusive thoughts and been bothered by them. To the extent where I had to do a ritual to make things better. I've tried to overcome these thoughts and having periods when I would banish them from my mind. I was getting better but it would always come back.

I would say a few years ago I started having intrusive thoughts about 'what if I had done that' scenario. Especially around nights out when I would wake up thinking 'oh what if I had killed someone, raped someone, had sex etc'. I would see these as crazy thoughts but I would become obsessional about them and it would start physical symptoms of anxiety.

Then a couple of weeks ago, just a day or so before I was due to go away on holiday I went for a walk around my local park. I became convinced that I had killed someone at one point in my walk, of course I had not, but the thought became utterly obsessional. To the point when I was almost sick and nearly collapsed in shower the following morning.. I was unable to relax all holiday in Spain. At one point in the holiday we made a mistake on the holiday where we didn't eat before going to a quiz, we were going to eat after, and my mum got a bit intoxicated! I became convinced the next day that my mum had been body swapped with a copy and she wasn't my mum anymore.

Then since I've come back the OCD and paranoia have become worse and worse. I am anxious to leave the house and when I do I am overwhelmed by mental images of me doing horrible things and have to force my mind to stop believing them. Several times on holiday I thought of throwing myself off the hotel balcony or hanging myself. Just really struggling to live anymore.

Anyone got any ideas of what I could do to stop this mental torture and bullying?

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. You know... there are articles, in PC's archives, on coping with obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts, ruminations, stuck thoughts, etc. I'll link you to a couple of them below. However it strikes me, as a lay-person who doesn't really know much about this, that there comes a point where one simply can't deal with what's going on oneself. And, under those circumstances, it's time to turn to the professionals for help. Perhaps that's the point you're at now? Here are links to those articles:

Coping with Obsessive Thoughts

5 Ways to Free Yourself From Dark and Obsessive Thoughts

7 Ways to Stop Obsessing

My best wishes to you...

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

I’m really sorry to hear about your torturous experience. Would you be willing/able to check in with a doctor, even if it’s scary? Right now it sounds like it is so bad that *not* checking in with a doctor and dealing with real urges to jump off a balcony is even scarier. It’s also possible that OCD isn’t the only culprit.

[downandlonely]

Hi Bongo, I echo what the others have said. It sounds like you need to see a doctor. There's no shame in reaching out for help. Maybe there's a medication that will help. Have you tried meds or therapy?

[Bongo2015]

Hi everyone thanks for your replies. I posted the message a few days ago when it was really bad. It has calmed down a bit now and I feel a lot more in control of my mind. I have seen the doctors about this several times over the years and I've been referred to counselling and CBT therapists. I've not found the CBT very helpful as the OCD/intrusive thoughts seem to come back stronger. I have been on Citalopram since 2010, initially for depression and now to manage OCD. I tried Sertraline last year but it made me more paranoid. Ive never tried any other medication. I was offered a meeting with the health and wellbeing advisor at an unemployment programme I am on at the moment. He has a specialism in OCD so I had a talk with him yesterday. He is going to try and get me some more information on managing my symptoms. I'm not sure whether to try any other medication.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

Originally Posted by Bongo2015

Hi everyone thanks for your replies. I posted the message a few days ago when it was really bad. It has calmed down a bit now and I feel a lot more in control of my mind. I have seen the doctors about this several times over the years and I've been referred to counselling and CBT therapists. I've not found the CBT very helpful as the OCD/intrusive thoughts seem to come back stronger. I have been on Citalopram since 2010, initially for depression and now to manage OCD. I tried Sertraline last year but it made me more paranoid. Ive never tried any other medication. I was offered a meeting with the health and wellbeing advisor at an unemployment programme I am on at the moment. He has a specialism in OCD so I had a talk with him yesterday. He is going to try and get me some more information on managing my symptoms. I'm not sure whether to try any other medication.

If it were me, I’d try another medication, and probably something other than an SSRI. There are so many other possibilities than serotonin reuptake inhibition.

[Bongo2015]

Thank you, I am planning on seeing my doctor again and having something specifically for OCD/Intrusive Thoughts rather than Citalopram that is more of a anti depressant drug. Not Sertraline though as I went crazy on that! I've also found that not having alcohol for two weeks has really helped.