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Junior Member
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Austria
Posts: 18
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#1
Many people with OCD question their own sexuality, but I question the sexuality of every girl I'm ever interested in.
I was in a relationship with an abusive lesbian once (fyi, I'm a guy). Don't question how that works, I assume she was biromantic. I knew this girl for ages and had been obsessively chasing her for years before I got to be with her, but it messed me up so much. I was constantly treated like I wasn't good enough. She was polyamorous and constantly interested in other girls. The whole ordeal even made me believe myself I was transsexual. Subconsciously I just never felt good enough as a man. I didn't realize the scars this left in my mind until I loved another girl years later. When I suspected she may be bisexual I panicked so hard. My heart rate exceeded 180 bpm, I began to seek reassurance she was straight. I realized I could never subject myself to what I'd been through again. Not only was my self-esteem shattered as I was abused and manipulated emotionally, but this became a huge trigger for my OCD. When I found myself in another relationship I could not stop obsessing about her sexual orientation. In my obsession I have done so much research on girls' sexuality. My OCD became extremely bad as my OCD always made me fear her sexuality might change if I don't do my compulsions. It eventually got better down the line but the relationship failed in the end for different reasons. When online dating these days I always need to ensure these girls are completely straight before I approach them. I don't simply trust their profile description after all the studies and research I've done, showing how many women experiment or watch lesbian porn. It's something I couldn't handle. I found another interesting girl and we got along well until she unveiled she had relationships with other girls in the past after about 2 weeks of talking. Despite completely labeling herself as straight. I ceased communication immediately. I cannot describe the gut wrenching emotion I felt when I read that she was in a lesbian relationship twice. Just as I made progress on overcoming OCD, this happens, and it makes me feel like it's a punishment for ignoring my compulsions. My relationship trauma is awful and coupled with OCD it's even worse. I cannot trust women anymore and I feel like I should just stay out of relationships. I could not emotionally cope being with someone that wasn't completely straight. I am ridiculed by my best friend for feeling this way. Other guys would love to have their girlfriend express interest in other girls. Not me. It's killing me inside. I want this OCD to stop. |
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downandlonely
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Skeezyks
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Disreputable Old Troll
Member Since Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762
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#2
Thanks for sharing your concern here on PC. You're probably familiar with ERP therapy for OCD. But just in case not here are links to 4 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject:
What Is ERP for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? ERP Therapy: A Good Choice for Treating OCD Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy for OCD Anxiety and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy __________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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