[Rose76]

I think some of my behavior could be described as obsessive compulsive disorder. I have obsessions about orderliness. Unfortunately, I have a slight tendency toward hoarding. It's hard to reconcile the two.

Three months ago my boyfriend died after a long illness. It was up to me to clear out his apartment. I donated, or gave away, pretty much all of his furniture and durable medical equipment. I also filled a bunch of boxes and hefty bags with all the small stuff. I brought that stuff to my apartment. Now I'm swamped with "stuff."

My plan was to go through all that stuff, keep what I want and throw out or donate the stuff I don't want. I thought it was a plan that couldn't fail. I was so wrong. I'm living in the midst of worsening chaos.

I'm surrounded by boxes and bags full of "stuff." I'm tripping over this stuff. I seem to want to hold on to more stuff than I have room for. I pick up an item, and I can't decide what to do with it. Living in such a disorganized environment is causing me to feel very disorganized internally. I lose track of what day of the week it is. I miss appointments. I eat at weird times. It's horrible.

I want to make my apartment a nice home again, like it was 4 years again. I'm afraid that I will never unravel this tangled mess. The anxiety I get over this is paralyzing.

Can anyone relate . . . even a little bit?

[unaluna]

Sounds to me like the covid time warp has just hit you. Before, attending to your friend kept you on a schedule, even thru the beginning of covid, when things shut down for many others of us.

I have my groceries and my precriptions delivered. I really dont leave my apartment, except to walk my rent check to the leasing office, or pick up my mail once a week or so, and take out the garbage. I dont own a car so i dont have that to worry about. I just have my hoard that i try to make a dent in. That ive been trying to make a dent in all my life, it seems. Finally, i have reached a feeling of no deadlines, no hurrying, and no one saying, "but can you KEEP it cleaned up?!" Obviously the answer is no, i cant.

[Rose76]

Thanks for your post. So it seems you have a problem too with keeping your environment orderly, if I'm reading you right.

You're very right in surmising that being my friend's caregiver kept me in a daily routine. It was a fair amount of work, but I was so glad to keep him out of a nursing home and for us to be together. Even sick as he was, I loved having his company.

I had to cook a good dinner every evening. To do that, I had to keep a clean, orderly kitchen. And we had my apartment to act as the dumping ground - for stuff not needed, for stuff out of season, etc.

I'm so unmotivated now . . . even though I know good and well that I would feel better if I created a nice environment for myself. I feel like I don't know how to proceed.

I really feel I need professional advice from someone who knows the rules on proper disposal of unwanted items and how to most cheaply get that done.

[unaluna]

Have you watched some of the hoarding shows? There is a lot of good information.

[Rose76]

I never have caught one. I'll try to . . . and I'm watching YouTube videos about getting rud of clutter.

I made an appointment with a professional organizer. He works in 3-hour sessions that cost $150 per session. First he makes a free visit to evaluate. I feel veey unsure if that woukd help me. But I will talk to him and see what he says.

[Zipper dog]

Dear Rose76, Firstly let me extend my condolences, for your loss of your boyfriend. I don't know that you have fully grieved your loss. In order to heal, I would suggest a grief counselor or a group if there is one and you are comfortable in a group. In order to to be able to obtain some semblance in your life, grieving is necessary to pick up again and live. I wish you a blessing and hugs...