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Procrastonator
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Trig Nov 02, 2022 at 09:34 AM
  #1
Hiya! I am 22 years old and was recently diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. However there are signs I may have had Harm OCD all the way back around 2012.

My harm OCD causes me to get unwanted, intrusive imagery of me harming others. As a result of this, I have ended up doing compulsions such as ruminating, self harm, confessing intrusive thoughts and isolating myself (due to fear I could harm others).

Back in highschool (around 2012 - 2015), I was bullied a lot. I then started to get intrusive imagery of severely harming the bullies. As a result of this, I would constantly tell myself to calm down, out of fear that I could one day "break" and act of these violent thoughts. I had no clue this could be OCD.

However, my OCD came back during first year of University, but this time it was harm and sexual harm thoughts towards my best friend. Eventually the intrusive thoughts started to loop and apply to other people as well, and that is when I got desperate to try and stop the thoughts.

The things I tried that did not work are the following:

Possible trigger:


I then had my first major suicide attempt.

I unfortunately did get misdiagnosed really badly by one mental health service, and information on me being a danger to others was shared to the police. On top of that, my privacy was breached and misdiagnosed information got shared to my University. This led to the University telling me that my "thoughts are of concern", and therefore was used a basis to place a "no contact agreement". Keep in mind that I TOLD them that I have zero control over my intrusive thoughts. On top of this, there were at least 3 other mental health services that stated my thoughts are not of concern (at the time. This number is now 6).

This led to me blocking all my friends "to protect them from myself". I then completely isolated myself and avoided going into University. I did all the lectures remotely and somehow managed to complete my degree. This lasted for around 10 months.

However, due to the fact that I continued to get "thought of concern", it felt like my degree was invalid. Since if the university knew I had harm thoughts towards everyone, then I truly believe I would have been excluded.

I attempted suicide again, but sent a suicide email with a 50 page document that explains everything that happened. One of the emails was an apology to the University, where I stated the specific thoughts that I had, and how I was sorry for having them. I also mentioned how the University was right about my thoughts being of concern, and how me being dead may have saved a few people lives. I 110% believed what the University told me.

My attempt failed as I could not go through it, so I went to A&E, where I was told I could have Harm OCD. 3 days letter, I was arrested for "Malicious communication", since the police originally thought I was threatening to act on my thoughts. I was released after a day and the case got dropped, since it was not in the public interest. I also believe I would fall under "Not guilty" since for this law, you need to have the intent to cause my harm. My intent was to apologies, specifically because the university had issues with these thoughts.

I then went private and got diagnosed with OCD. Myself and my family are considering taking one of the mental health services to court for "Medical neglect", since they ruled out OCD despite me clearly having it. A complaint to the University is also being considered, with possible escalating to "Emotional Distress caused by discrimination". The way the University handled the meeting was horrible, and when I tried to defend myself, I was told that what I had to say "Did not matter". They also claimed that this was not an "investigation", however also stated that they contacted several people before coming to decision (So clearly they did investigate it).

Right now, I'm dealing with recovering from the issues caused by OCD. The goal is to socialize more without acting on an avoidance compulsion (so avoid isolating myself). At first it wasn't too hard, but overtime the urge to isolate myself has been get higher and higher. My therapist said that is expected, but that it should eventually peak and the urge to isolate myself should go away. I also recently started Clomipramine medication

I still continue to get a lot of intrusive thoughts, with a lot of them being around the University telling me my "thoughts are of concern". While I have not been diagnosed with PTSD, I do think I might have it, since the University comment still sticks around to this day. I'm not even at University anymore.

I also continue to get sexual assault and violent intrusive imagery, especially to one person that stated they had been abused in the past :/ (This one upsets me a lot)

I do feel rather lonely with these type of thoughts. Typically people have cleaning or counting rituals, but mine are quite different (still counts as a compulsion though). I also have a lot of other intrusive thoughts and compulsions that I did not state here.
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Default Nov 02, 2022 at 02:03 PM
  #2
So sorry this whole awful situation happened to you. Is there a caring psychiatrist who could help you? It doesn't seem right that you a have to struggle with these terrible things on your own without professional help. I know it can be difficult to find a really good psychiatrist and I have had some unhappy experiences, but I hope you are able to find a good one. Wish I knew what else to say that would help. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words!
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Default Nov 02, 2022 at 02:28 PM
  #3
Hi @Yaowen, Yes, I have a psychiatrist and psychologist. I started medication yesterday (01/November/2022) which is Clomipramine and doing "Exposure and Response Prevention" with my psychologist.
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Default Nov 06, 2022 at 10:48 PM
  #4
Hi P, I am so sorry that you suffer with harm OCD. I have it to quite a degree and it is absolutely miserable. I can't even allow myself to describe the "harming" thoughts I have, for fear something bad will happen to loved ones. Is the Clomipramine helping you?

What a sheer hell you've been through...so much of your diagnosis has been disgustingly misunderstood. And the thing is, harm OCD is truly not uncommon! Many people with OCD have harm thoughts. Many, many years ago (I'm 59) I was in an OCD support group (long before the internet). There was a young woman in the group, truly one of the most gentle, soft-spoken people I have ever met. She was tormented by thoughts that she would harm her parents, who were people she loved very dearly.

All OCD is, as you most likely know, anxiety. I know that when I feel anxious (which is most of the time) I also tend to struggle more with "harm" fears.

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Default Nov 07, 2022 at 12:44 PM
  #5
Hi @*Beth*, thanks for your reply. I only started Clomipramine around a week ago, so I can't tell if it is helping yet. I do however have side effects, like light headache, tiredness and shaking hands.

I have noticed that OCD tends to attack the people you care most about. In my case, it's usually my best friend that I care a lot about.
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