POCD Porn/Paedo Mentality

Hi all,

This is a long one but I’ll try and be brief.

In 2010 I started having intrusive paedophile thoughts. I didn’t know it at the time so after a few tremendously stressful weeks, I attempted suicide. It didn’t work, I got seen to by medical professionals and was diagnosed with OCD. I was put on medication and attended therapy. I very much recovered; the thoughts weren’t as intrusive or as constant though I still had them, I was mostly managing and at the end of 2011, I had my last therapy session. Life went on and as I said the thoughts would come and go but everything was fine.

A few months back around June/July, I started having thoughts about looking up child porn on my phone. Gradually, I started having thoughts, images and fears about me going on my phone checking out indecent images. It’s gotten even worse in the last few weeks; when scrolling on my phone it feels as if I want to check out such things and it has me concerned. In the last couple of weeks, the physical anxiety seems to have gone and don’t feel particularly stressed. The problem is the thoughts are there and they’re starting to feel casual, almost normal: it’s as if I feel or I’m a paedo, I think about what my workmates and friends would think if I was paedo. For the record I’ve never looked up indecent images, I’m not even interested in normal porn, never was. But I’ve become intensely aware of my especially when I’m at home. And as said it feels as if I’m comfortable with the thoughts and that I would do them. I guess I’m looking for reassurance, I’m wondering if there is anyone out there who feels or has felt like this?