[MusicLover82]

TRIGGER WARNING!!! Cross-posted to Bipolar Forum Success Stories.

My story is kind of long, but here goes:

The beginning of my MI was my first year of college when I started having severe panic attacks. I was diagnosed with GAD and put on Xanax and some antidepressant. Then, my second and third year of college, I started having mood swings. My third year of college, I began obsessing about several things. My anxiety was severe again, and I became depressed and couldn't stop talking about my mental issues with my classmates who thought I was going insane. I would be in a class and instantly have to get up and leave due to anxiety attacks.

Then, one of my roommates wisely told me to go home and live with my parents until I could get straightened out. I knew she was right. I couldn't hold things together. I was a mess. My college dean granted me a leave of absence and said I could return in good standing within a certain period of time. I never went back. That was just the beginning of my breakdown.

I went into a deep depression and had major obsessions. I was afraid to be alone because I had developed intrusive images. I don't know how to do a trigger thing so I won't say what they were but they were VERY disturbing. I was afraid to be alone because of the violent nature of the intrusive images. I was terrified of myself, terrified to be alone, terrified that my life wouldn't get better. I had suicidal thoughts and should have been hospitalized because of my despair, but I was seeing a bad psychiatrist and did not want to be under her care in the hospital.

It took SIX F****** months of hell to finally get the proper diagnosis and get properly treated. One of my psychiatrists (the one I mentioned above) was emotionally abusive even. I wish I had documented our interactions so I could take her to court.

Once I got a really GOOD psychiatrist (the one I see now), he diagnosed me with OCD as my main problem at the time and Bipolar 2 as well. Now he treats my bipolar mostly because he feels like that is the overriding MI I have with the OCD as one of my symptoms (AP's seem to help my OCD a lot).

It has been 13 years since that bad OCD/ depressive episode, and I haven't had another one that bad since. I did have to be hospitalized once due to severe mania from taking a high dose of steroids because of an allergic reaction to Lamictal. That was pretty traumatic, but I bounced back fast.

I am so grateful. I know my illness is not as bad as it would be without meds, and I tend to stay relatively stable. I am grateful I have kept the same jobs for a while (one for 10 years before quitting, and my current one for 5 years now) and I am good at hiding my mini-episodes from people. I live a relatively "normal" life.

I never really like writing a "success story" because I know that there are ebbs and flows to mental illness. I may be fine this year, but in a couple of years, I may need some more major med changes. Or even be hospitalized. And I'm okay with that. I've learned that it's okay to have weaknesses and have times when I need to lean on family and friends more (the people I can REALLY trust). The people who love me the most are understanding and they just want me to be okay. And as much as I complain and whine about my symptoms, overall I am doing fine.

"Out of night and alarm, out of terrible dreams, reach me your hand. This is the meaning that we suffered in sleep, the white peace of the waking." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Song of the Nations"

[loyola]

Music lover, it seems like you are making good progress. That's great.