[susan888]

Is anyone here the child of a parent that chose the wrong way out of this life? I am 45 years old and this still defines who I am. Would love to talk to someone with a similar experience. Thanks so much.

[NuckingFutz]

mom chose the exhaust route. From the time it happened until i was 17 my life was hell. Not sure what you would like to discuss first about it since it has impacted every part of my life and even in ways i never would have expected. Please send me a private message if you wish or just a regular post...who knows, we may find others here who can benefit.

[susan888]

Sorry to hear that you had to go through that too.

I just strongly believe that that event set the course for my lifelong failures and self hatred. I remember being a very happy 8 year old before that happened and looking back can see it had such a devastating and permanent impact on me and my view of the world and myself.

Did you get any counseling? Can I ask how has it effected your life and thoughts about yourself?

[NuckingFutz]

wow...lots of similarities! in my case my father had died 3 months before...guess she could not stand the pain of his loss. I have 2 sisters. We were adopted into a family with 3 other children. I did not find out until last year that these 2 families are distant relatives. after i was adopted, i lost a lot of weight, i started pulling out my hair in handfuls, i was constantly clinging to my adoptive mom. I would also have anxiety attacks until was prescribed klonopin. adoptive mom was abusive... i will write more later, this is hard...

[Hunny]

So a teen remembers arriving home one evening, peculiar feeling in air, mad dad pacing in bedroom, drunken mom kneeling over toilet in bathroom moaning and gagging as sister tells her to put her fingers downs her throat. Permanent memory. Teen wished not to be born or wished to exchange places to go. We find we are permanently justifying existence. Legacy is more than we care to bear, expecially alone.

Well, we think we are grateful for them starting the post, we wished we never felt we needed to post to it though. We hope we free ourself/ves from the chains of this memory by doing so.

Wish of the Hive

Hunny

[susan888]

(((((((((Nucking Futz and Hunny))))))))))))))
It helps not being the only one... but I'm sorry that it had to be you too.

[bebop]

I don't think anyone should allow another to define who we are. sure we have bad memories that sometimes rears their ugly heads. I am far from the mom my mother was. thank goodness. (((((((((((hugs for you all))))))))))

[NuckingFutz]

hugs for susan and hunny! this is how the suicide impacted me... i never felt like i fit, nor was i made to feel that way...my adoptive brother and i are less than 6 months apart...started school together. I had to repeat first grade. My brother use to taunt me that i flunked first grade...i felt so stupid! He also use to chase me around the house yelling "a knife, a knife". I told my mom and she said "just ignore him and he will stop". This occured often. Sometimes i would stand at the door to his room and watch my adoptive mom rock and sing him to sleep. When my anger built up, i would ask my adoptive mother why she adopted me... "because no one wanted you". About ten years ago i told my neice about the knife incidents who in turn told my mom. My mom told me that i really scared her...wtf?! later i found out i that i did fine in school. Adoptive mom held me back a year so i would not have to compete with my brother.

[NuckingFutz]

wow, this is a lot to share... Very heavy stuff. I work on one chilhood issue at a time but when i try and put the abuse down all at once, anger surrounds me. I am going to calmly unwind my emotions. today i have minimal contact with my adoptive family, one of my other biological sisters has as little to do with the family and the the remaining sister uses the stepford wife superficial approach. time to go cool down.

[bebop]

nuckin. it is horrible to feel like that. I hated being compared to my older brother. me being the only girl. I can understand where you are coming from.

[susan888]

(((((((NuckinFutz))))))))
That must be so hard for you to have those memories and not have her here to confront. My memories of my Dad are good ones so in that way I am blessed. My Mom died last year and maybe that is part of the reason all this childhood stuff is popping out now. Do you see a T? I have been thinking about looking into that.

[NuckingFutz]

i have gone to a t...at first once a week for years. If there is anything that comes up i feel i need help with, my pdoc will put me in group. Not much comes up because since my family walks on eggshells since they found out i several mental illnesses.

[Junerain]

((((((nuckingfutz))))

Just wanted to hug you.....my mother was verbally abusive....and I do believe 'society' abused me too, if you can believe that..in my mind it makes sense.....took me fifteen years.....but I am well on the right track in life, now.....I wish you years of healing.....

[susan888]

(((((Nucking Futz))))))

The ending of my Dad was devastating to me.. I can't imagine what you have gone through with the abuse. The worst for me was that after he went, my Mom was 6 mos pregnant and left with me and my brother who had leukemia. He died 2 yrs after my Dad. I wasn't abused.....just invisible. Mom had so much to deal with that she didn't have anything much for me then.

[Shangrala]

NF

Although I have not lost my parents, (having to adapt to a new family), I have endured a childhood of repeated failures as a result to never measuring up to my mom's expectations.

I'm #6 in a family of 10. With 5 older brothers. The first girl born in 4 generations....though, certainly not feeling the least bit special. In fact, I still wonder that my life woulda been better if i were another son born....instead of this continuing means of disappointment to my mom.

She never liked me. At least..it's not what I felt anyway. Since the age of 3, she made certain to let me know that there was something "not normal" to me. I was the constant failure to her, and she made that more than apparent all throughout my childhood.

And now, with years long since her passing, I still long for a sense of her acceptance....even in the slightest....something I know I'll never receive. So, I do what I can.....take that lesson (and loss) and utilize it the best way that I possibly can by providing my daughter the exact opposite from what my mom gave to me...or, didnt give to me.
So, I suppose, in its own right, the loss of what my mom couldn't (or wouldn't) give to me is the exact same gain I use to provide for my daughter.

I refuse to allow what anguish my mom istillled into me to even come close to effecting my daughter.

Still, though....that longing for the maternal bond with mom will always remain. It's just up to me to dictate how it will effect me.

Shangrala

[susan888]

I hear you Shangrala. I am very close to my 25 y/o daughter and always have been. The only one thing that I have done well in my life is be a mother. And now a grandma to a 3 1/2 year old boy. Sometimes when I am in the dark place of depression I forget that. It just sneaks up on you and you can't see anything else, especially when you don't share your feelings with the people that love you. Regardless of my painful past life I know that I am blessed...