[lndmny]

need some help on treatment for teenage stepson who is suffering from what seems to be a textbook case of parentification. How do we help him?? His mother has been "confiding" in him since he was 7 yrs old when she and my husband divorced. Back story -- she's emotionally needy, daughter of an alcoholic and her "best friend" mom. 2 weeks after they divorced she moved stepson and his twin brother 2000 miles away to marry a man she met on the internet. They were 7 then and now 16. My husband is a great father -- very involved, very nurturing and an excellent male role model on all fronts. Surprisingly, I have a relatively good relationship with SS and he has confided in me a great deal over the years about how his mom has said negative things about me, his father -- made him promise to "never leave her" -- he's seen the divorce papers. Always he's desperate for me not to reveal to his mother that he's told "secrets". She draws him into her drama around her soon to be new ex-husband too. THe kid has no friends and says they're too immature. They've been back in texas for the last 4 years with 50/50 custody. We thought exposure to his dad on frequent basis would break some of the alienation and it does but it's like he has to catch himself and reject him. The last year has been hell with him acting out and not wanting to stay at our house. Husband finally gave in after insisting the he not get his way by disrupting our house. we're losing him and he's trying to manage his mom's relationships because she can't. How do we help. Sorry for rambling on but I could give example after example. She's toxic.

[Elysium]

This is a really tough situation.

I'm so sorry that your SS is experiencing this. I understand very well about this from his perspective. I had a similar, very co-dependent relationship with my mother that sounds similar to what you are discussing.

I'm now 33 and have had a very difficult time separating myself from my Mother. Still to this day it is very easy for me to get pulled back into that negative cycle of needing to take care of her business because she won't. It's not that she can't...she says she can't...but I don't believe this...she just won't. She has a good thing going on...lives rent free with her own mother (my mom is 56), and the family caters to her every whim.

It is going to take some hard work on your family's part and on your SS part to help him through this. He's never had the chance to just be a boy...always had to be the man...and his mother's mother.

It will be frustrating for all of you for sure...but he needs your support more than ever if he is to separate himself from her and be his own healthy person.

My suggestion...if you haven't been able to get him into therapy, do this as soon as possible. It's not going to be a quick fix, and he's going to have to manage this continually if his mother is going to be in his life. She will always attempt to pull him back into the cycle...it is all she knows how to do...and honestly, it works for her. She has no consequences and no reason to change.

If it's possible to get him into treatment and change the custody so you and your H have him full-time with visitation, this would be better for him. He would have more structure and less bouncing around and it would help to cut the puppet strings she has attached to him.

Most of all, be there for him, even when things are the hardest...don't ever forget that this isn't his issue...it is his mother's and she has programmed him to behave in these ways. With help and structure, you and your H/Family can re-program him and he can have the opportunity to just be himself, without having to be the caretaker.

I wish you and your family the best. And your SS has my support and best wishes too.

I don't know if he's old enough to post here on PC, but if he is and he'd ever like to chat with someone who's been there...he can PM me (with your permission of course).

Take care...

[Blue93]

*buts in* they are 16 years old now right? that's old enough i was 14 when i first started coming here ! *buts out*

[gimmeice]

Hello indmny, welcome to psych central.
I agree that getting your SS into treatment with a therapist would be a good idea, it would give him some coping skills to deal with this situation. You may also want to check out our healthy parenting forum http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=52 it is a good place to get the input of other parents.

[theotterone]

"Blended" families are HARD. I never understood the dynamics since my parents are still together (married 39 years!). My husband has helped me understand with both his parents on their 3 marriage each and his younger sister on her second.

It's great that you love your ss so much! Look into getting help as a family and for him on his own. Good luck!

[Sannah]

Your SS is very lucky to have you! He will have to work through this himself. Hopefully he will accept your help and support as much as possible. I know that it is hard to watch a loved one work through something when all you want to do is fix it and make it better but letting him work through it with your support is the better way. Good luck to you!

[VickiesPath]

Hello Indmny,

Welcome to Psych Central. You certainly have a very complex problem on your hands. I've been on this site for a relatively short time but I can tell you that there are some wonderful people here and you will not find better support. So be sure to stick close and share your experience. Everyone cares so much about each other.

I've never had this experience like you are having but as Sannah said, your step-son is very lucky to have you in his life. This will be difficult. He is going to feel a great loyalty to his mother, even though a part of him might want to be rid of the responsibility of the role he carries.

One piece of advice I will offer is, be choosy about the therapist he sees. If the first one you select for him is not getting anywhere or doesn't seem to know what he's doing, then try another one. Not all therapists are created equal. They all come to the table with different skills and different experiences. Also, different methods. How your step-son relates to the therapist is important, too.

I can tell you from my own experience after growing up in a less than healthy family that his chance of forming healthy, successful long-term relationships in the future is going to be greatly reduced unless he begins to work on these issues now. Please take this seriously.

I wish you the best in dealing with this difficult situation.