[MINIME]

I am in the middle of a very hard time. As most of you know I have adopted my neices and had my nephew from a different sisters living with me. he came to live with me when he was 17 and he is now 19. My family is very ill my mom is severely mentally ill and addicted and I dont deal with her. :Long story. My aunt my moms sister is also ill and addicted my uncle my moms brother has just moved up here from calif. he had been out of the lives of every one for years. I grew up in foster homes and in and out of my moms until she went to prison. When I was 19 I got custody of my sister and she then a year later had my oldest daughter (neice) anyway the point of all this is that out family is very dysfunctional. I have taken in 4 of the orphan children in the family orphaned by drug addictions and mental illness. My uncle the last year hs kinda been helping finacially and he was like I want to help i will be like a dad to you. My aunt is on and off again psycho and she does crazy things. anyway when my nephew was 17 he came to live ith me and my aunt and uncle said no let him sleep on the streets leave him. I took him in. After alot of hard work he got his ged and drivers license and he got into college which was paid for and he had a good chance. the problem was that he started smoking pot again and dong it in the house disrespecting me and not going to class. he slept until two got up rode his bike some where came home when I was asleep bringing all these kids into my house and they all drank and did pot and ate all of my food. He had the whole down stairs basement. I talked to him and tol dhim time and time again that he needed to stop and then get a job if he decided he wasnt going to school. He had my uncle wrapped aroundhis finger giving him money exct and buying his tools for school and paying his tuition when he didnt get his finincial aid papers in on time. He have him 100 buck a month for no reason. He lived here rent free and all he had to do was go to school. He didnt. He brought this kid who is 23 years old and I told him over and over that he needed to go and he refused to make him go. He smoked pot in my car and i told him he couldnt drive it anymore. I came home a week ago and he had made gang signs outside my house with sidewalk chalk and he had a bunch of kids drinking all underage. My uncle when I told him at first said i cant deal with this and shut the door in my face and then later picked up my nephew and "talked" to him and gave him gas money so he could find a job since I was so mean and wouldnt let him drive my car. He has a bus pass and bike. He started punching holes in the wall when he was told no by me and cussing at me and being verbally almost physically agressive,. Just scary. I turned off his phone friday as he had not done what i asked a million times and was still doing these things. My friends hisband came over that day and he waited until he left and then he threw a very violent temper tantrum that left me shaking and left in his friends car apparently to my uncles house who then called me and yelled at me for turning off his phone when the poor lad was just looking for a job and how could i do this and I was selfish and so on so I hung up on my uncle. He then called me back and told me I was a this and that and that he never was going to talk to me again. ( I know really crazy) I told my uncle my nephew now had to be gone that nite as he was causing to much stress and drama and my uncle went off on me telling me I was a lier becasue I said I would never kick him out and so on. I hung up onhim again. He then texted me all these mean things and emailed me telling me that I was a diapointment ext just really mean stuff because I was kicking brandon out and I turned off the kids cell phone I had been paying for the last two years. I emailed him back and explained to him that he was endangering the other children in my house and he was disprespectful and violent and i was afraid of him. He then went off on me again saying that I lied when i said I loved this kid as if I had givenbirth to him. Just really bad stuff. I said you may have him and he said no. Then my aunt my uncle sisters gets involved and tries to tell me all families have disagreements like this and I shouldnt be mad or hurt and I need to give him time. Then later she starts texting me saying what do you guys think this is doing to me and blah blah blah. i was like huh??????? This is not about you. Anyway. I am disowned by my uncle for kicking out this 19 year old freeloading man who was almost violent physically to me and did illegal stuff in my house that could have gotten my children taken away.
Im mad and hurt. they are also mad that I have new friends i spend a lot of time with that are my best friends and I love being with them. They say that they are taking me away from the family which is funny becasue my family has not once called me up and said hey lets spend some time together or how are you and the kids? It was bad. I am afraid of brandon coming back I cant afford to change the locks as I am 400 in the red at the bank also due to brandon long story. Monday I am getting a restraining order and I am cutting my loss with my so called family and looking foward to a better future,

Hello, MINIME. Yes, what you have described is horrible. I am glad you have decided to get the restraining order. Good luck.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Do what is going to be best for you. This kind of crud will only drag you down down down until you wind up with severe anxiety or out of control depression or even darker paths like cutting, substance abuse, whatever people get so desperate to do to numb the pain in their lives.

Might I also suggest? And I know this is hard to hear, cause your first reaction is , "HEY, it's not me!! It's THEM! Why the heck should I get help?" But seriously, truly, Please consider AlAnon or NarAnon...these self help support systems for the families, friends, even co-workers of those who have substance abuse problems. These groups are truly life savers. You don't realize how deeply YOU are affected by the crazy zanies in your family, how your thought patterns have been skewed by the negativity, denial and insanity coursing through their every breath.

It is a common fact that an alcoholic or drug addict will merrily roll along, they won't be bouncing off the walls in fear, anxiety, stress....they are happier than pigs in you-know-what, they are three sheets to the wind most of the time anyway and don't recognize nor care about the garbage and problems all around them,(most of it caused by them). They are fine! These things are progressive diseases.... their lives don't really hit the fan and shatter until years later when they start losing jobs, used up all their second chances and nine lives.... they can drink and drug for years without any serious consequences (remember, they do not think that what you are experiencing, all that pain and turmoil and anger and despair, loneliness, confusion, fear,.... heck, who cares what's up with you? YOU got a problem? Fine, just leave me alone)..... They live on a merry-go-round named denial...but you, you are the one that is really going crazy...even if you literally aren't in paroxyms of rage or emotional distress.... you are inundated with all the stinking thinking all around you, and it colors your life in ways you just don't know. Your whole family is infected and they don't know it either.

I can't encourage you enough to get thee to a 12 step meeting. Alanon and Naranon help the family members of those addicted learn how NOT to make the illness worse, learn how not to get sucked in, learn how you can only change you and the way you react to the craziness. you have no idea unless you get educated what is the right approach to take. Alanon just tells you to keep the focus on yourself. Let God take care of the substance abuser...YOU have to take care of yourself...get off of THEIR backs, Get out of THEIR way and get ONTO YOURSELF.... start undoing the stinking thinking....learn how to live and let live, let go, let god, keep it simple, take one day at a time...all these stupid trite phrases you think are for morons are life savers if you can master them and put them into practice every day of your life. That whole crazy clan of yours could go on Jerry Springer before a live audience and try to make out like YOU are the problem...and with what you learn in the 12 step programs is that there is NOTHING you can do or say to change or help anyone at all but YOURSELF.

I think you have taken a great first step...but please do consider getting more education about these diseases that have affected you in ways you cannot know...and the tricks and tools that will help you survive and stay off that merry-go-round yourself. In program I heard it said time and time again.... I got to the point where I was sicker than the alcoholic/drug addict. This statement is so true, we just don't know it is true, because how can we be sick? We are the sober ones! But it doesn't work that way.... the problem isn't in the bottle, in the syringe, in the bong.... the problem with alcoholism isn't the alcohol, it is the ISM...and the ISM is in people, not the bottle, not the syringe, not the bong...the ISM is what you are fighting, and it is often invisible, deeply ingrained, imprinted into your very dna...and you don't even know it. You probably know that serenity prayer.... it is a wonderful thing...yes, you will become serene, peaceful, accepting, courageous and wise wise wise.

[MINIME]

I so get all that. I am in therapy. I see have seen but more slearly lately the dysfunctional in the "family". I see the obnoxiosness of what they say and what they do and their thoughts and that in itself pisses me off more because it is so crazy. I get so frustrated because its me and the kids always alone and fighting uphill battles. I want the kids to have the family experience but I also want to prtect them and now I see that I cant have it both ways. I am just going to have to cut my loss and move on. I cant be around people like this any more. My uncle is really old he is like almost 70 and he is so filled with many years of dysfunctional thinking and he cant even see how he speaks of something and how condrictary and obsurd his words are. You dont call someone you love all these names for something that he may disagree with. I cant even get into the whole craziness of it. My aunt saying how do you think this is effecting me? She is 56 years old and lives alone in a serene part of the city. I waslike well I am the one throwing up terrified and raising these kids. I have to do what is best and how does this effect me when my "family" does this to me. The craziness is so huge and I could go on and on. I am a single mother. I have one neice that I adopted who has fetal alcohol syndrome and another neice I adopted that was prenatally exposed and post to meth. I then had my nephew from a different sister who has a lot of issues drugs and anger and I have PTSD. How does this effect me?But it never is about me. I have some really good friends that I have made in the last 6 months or so that I have been spending alot of time with. My "family" turned this against me saying that I choose them over the family. Though the family has never called and asked to spend time with me or how are you doing how are the kids...never. My aunt says dont tell me anything I cant handle stress..my uncle slams teh door in my face saying i cant handle this. My friends come over spend time with me take the kids out love the kids, make me laugh if I am tired sad afraid they text me nice things they encourage me they love me. That is family.
I am so angry and mad and pissed I know they are all the same words but I am so mad it fills my brain. Im scared. My nephew really messed up and he had to go. Because of his actions I almost lost my house could have lost my other children may have my car repossed and my power turned off. I am so done. He is 19 now and he needed to go. I can and will not have drugs in this house or around my other children. I can not live in fear in my house. I dont deserve this. I see so clearly now what I must do. I just feel so hurt and angry and sad.

[pachyderm]

It sounds to me as though you are doing the right thing for you and the rest of the kids who live with you, MiniMe. You can set aside your "family" and keep with your new friends who seem to actually be friends.

[phoenix7]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((MINIME)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry oyuve had to go through this.... i know its so hard......

youa retaking care of your children and yourslef and thats the right thing to do (n ot that you need me to tel you that my friend)

I can only imagine what you are going through

please be safe and know i am thinking of you

P7

I so hear you. You have incredible insight and awareness, and please give yourself kudos and credit for your ability to see the insanity and their dysfunction and still have the courage to do what you need to do for you. That is so awesome...yes, it was terrible that my kids never got a family experience either....but your kids can make their own families, just like you are doing, you are setting such a healthy example for them. I could be so envious of you, but why? I chose what I chose and lived with the consequences. But your courage and strength is a lesson that others will hear and see here, you will be an inspiration to others. You should feel nothing but proud. YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

Originally Posted by MINIME

I so get all that. I am in therapy. I see have seen but more slearly lately the dysfunctional in the "family". I see the obnoxiosness of what they say and what they do and their thoughts and that in itself pisses me off more because it is so crazy. I get so frustrated because its me and the kids always alone and fighting uphill battles. I want the kids to have the family experience but I also want to prtect them and now I see that I cant have it both ways. I am just going to have to cut my loss and move on. I cant be around people like this any more. My uncle is really old he is like almost 70 and he is so filled with many years of dysfunctional thinking and he cant even see how he speaks of something and how condrictary and obsurd his words are. You dont call someone you love all these names for something that he may disagree with. I cant even get into the whole craziness of it. My aunt saying how do you think this is effecting me? She is 56 years old and lives alone in a serene part of the city. I waslike well I am the one throwing up terrified and raising these kids. I have to do what is best and how does this effect me when my "family" does this to me. The craziness is so huge and I could go on and on. I am a single mother. I have one neice that I adopted who has fetal alcohol syndrome and another neice I adopted that was prenatally exposed and post to meth. I then had my nephew from a different sister who has a lot of issues drugs and anger and I have PTSD. How does this effect me?But it never is about me. I have some really good friends that I have made in the last 6 months or so that I have been spending alot of time with. My "family" turned this against me saying that I choose them over the family. Though the family has never called and asked to spend time with me or how are you doing how are the kids...never. My aunt says dont tell me anything I cant handle stress..my uncle slams teh door in my face saying i cant handle this. My friends come over spend time with me take the kids out love the kids, make me laugh if I am tired sad afraid they text me nice things they encourage me they love me. That is family.
I am so angry and mad and pissed I know they are all the same words but I am so mad it fills my brain. Im scared. My nephew really messed up and he had to go. Because of his actions I almost lost my house could have lost my other children may have my car repossed and my power turned off. I am so done. He is 19 now and he needed to go. I can and will not have drugs in this house or around my other children. I can not live in fear in my house. I dont deserve this. I see so clearly now what I must do. I just feel so hurt and angry and sad.