Dont know what to make of life... But im not depressed i dont think.

So i stumbled upon this website and thought what the hell maybe someone out there is in the same boat as me.

For as long as I could remember I was the worry kid... I worry about everything I worry so much I can not go on trips long distance, I can barely leave my county without freaking out and making myself psychically sick. Everyday I wake up and always carry the burden of something going wrong, with either me, my family or friends. Again I worry about this so much that sometimes it could make me psychically sick as well. My brain starts thinking all random what if questions... Like what if I died what if my family were killed what if i swerve my car... these questions come out of nowhere without warning and make my ill to the point where I have to stop whatever im doin even if its work go home turn out all the lights in my basement room and sleep.

About 6 yrs ago I was treated for depression and prescribed zoloft 100mg. They would make me nauseated for like the first week of taking them and by week 3 I would walk around like a zombie, always tired and pretty much numb to the world. Although the thoughts being on Zoloft had subsided i still cant really just keep up and go (travel). I start freaking out and go into panic mode so i talked to my doctor and he said situations like these I want you to take this... He hands me a prescription for 150 Xanax Bars... I Have never really taken it before til this day I didnt really want to start getting hooked on prescription medicines as drug problems run in the family. So I stopped pretty much taking my medicine all together

But what im really trying to figure out is; Whats really wrong with me? I mean is this normal? Is this how people really should live life? Is there any hope for me? I been through numerous relationships because of this, I am a control freak and get psychically sick if im not in control... I just cant take living life like this anymore, But im not really depressed like wanna hurt myself if I cant fix it though.

You know what is wrong -- you worry too much. It does not appear you will improve without therapy and medication. If you are not going to take what the doctor prescribes, it seems only therapy is an option. What you are talking about is having a big impact on your life. You can stay the course or get help.

Good luck.

Hey there....

This sounds like it's really limiting your life and your enjoyment of it.

I experience some of these things myself and it sucks. I'm sorry it is difficult for you.

I would suggest that maybe it isn't a depression issue, but more of an anxiety issue. I am not a T, but to me it sounds like you could possibly have a touch of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). This type of disorder can reek havoc on ones life, but the good news is, it is very treatable and manageable.

I suggest scheduling an appointment with a T who works with Anxiety Disorders and they can help you learn to conquer these issues.

Keep posting here and letting us know how you're doing, if you want.

I hope things begin to improve for you!!

It does effect my life everyday, since i could remember. So just became accustomed to it being normal part of my life. I tried going to therapist before each experience was never good... i had a guy who unless i was 2 inches from his face couldnt hear wtf he was saying and wanted to shake the **** out of him, had another lady who was about 24 if that who would take cell phone calls during sessions and cut me off... pretty unbelievable really and i had another guy who talked to me more about his problems then listening to mine, each prescribing me whatever i needed / wanted so i gave up hope beause i didnt want to become a drug user, or maybe im to worried about taking the pills and becoming a drug user... everything in my life is pretty much a catch 22 I can worry about something which is good because i think things through, but it also shoots me in the foot as well... I would be thrilled to just go to a Therapist and him / her just listen and be like ok this is what u have this is how u should try and change it to better urself, but just feel like i was wasting time.

But thanks listening and actually giving me probably the best advice yet. Greatly appreciated.

Kayzee,

I have had similar problems with finding good therapists. I couldn't take meds because of the side effects which were more than horrible...ranging from parkinson's like effect, to completely stiff muscles so I couldn't even sit up in bed, low blood pressure, anorexia (it made me not feel like eating nausea sort of feeling). So the only choice I had to try & get better was therapy.

Therapists were as impossible to find as meds were. I finally ended up with one who "did no harm" all he did was listen while I talked.....very seldom did he ever give any feedback. It was like talking to a block wall.....or like talking to my dogs. At least I can get love back from them & it's ethical.

When I left my husband & moved across the country, I decided to try to find a therapist in my new town. Again, the first one only listened.....finally it was costing me too much, so I quit. The second attempt I went to the first meeting & realized.....NO WAY. I went almost a year without anyone but my 6 eskie dogs to talk to about how I was feeling. Finally, I was dealing with mostly anxiety, PTSD....when I get really anxious, I there are times when I end up experiencing depersonalization (watching myself & what I am doing). Decided that I better try again to find someone & I thought I was lowering my standards to go to the comunity mental health group for our county.....wow was I surprised. I found the best psychologist (not just a therapist either) who asks questions, gives feedback, cares so much that she even had another therapist come to my house to help me on my daily issues so she could work on the deeper things (not only did I find the perfect psychologist, but the best county as they have grant money to help the mentally illnesses here beyond anything I have ever experienced. We are talking about going from a huge city of Los Angeles, to a tiny town in Kentucky & I found a miracle here.

One never knows when we will find the right therapist to help us....never give up hope. There are good ones out there & if it takes time....it's ok....just keep trying becase in the long run, your life is worth it.

You do sound like you are dealing more with anxiety than depresion....they sound like worry thoughts you are having.....think maybe.

Look around PC & check out the other forums.....read some of about the different mental illnesses, maybe you will come across what sounds like a fit to what you are feeling (that is NOT a good way to Dx yourself, but it is a start in understanding yourself a bit better, so you wiill know better how to take with therapy about what is bothering you.

This is the link to the anxiety forum that might be helpful:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=9

Welcome to PC as it is a wonderful place to communicate with others who are feeling similar feelings as you.

Best wishes.....just don't give up...your life is valuable & worth it to keep trying.
eskielover

thanks for the kind words, again anyone who just listens greatly appreciated to me. Like i said im really confused because I had these feelings (worries) my whole life as long as i could remember I would remember going to like a baseball game, or roadtrip and getting psychically sick throwing up the whole way there and my nerves were just shot. I also remember a time when i was about 11 years old, my mom wanted to take me with my friend and his mother and brothers to see a movie and i just thought the world was gonna like end freaked out for no reason at all threw up nerves were shot, ended up being dragged there and the movie ended up being one of my favorite movies of all time... I dont know what to make of these occurances but there are 100's more and its sad and i told therapist these stories before but to no avail they had no input on them.

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Relaxation techniques would probably do you good, I hope you go see a T that specializes in anxiety disorders and or OCD.

The truth of it all is that people who normally cant cope with the levels of anxiety that they feel, find themselves flipped into depression. It is a fact. And I know that its true for me.

I get so wired at times that medication is the only thing that helps. Other times I try deep breathing and that tends to relax me a bit.

Finding something to distract me also helps.

Good Luck.

just a quick update, was thinking about and talking to my mother about the holidays this year, and for new years what i was gonna do...and i decided with my whole families support that i was just going to work on my body and mind and my mom got the ball rolling calling places to find the right place for me to go to. ill keep u guys updated.