Stupid

I did something stupid last night. I had a mood. I got kind of anxious about the situation with my kids and seeing them for an extra long visit this coming weekend--the most hours since my ex finally started letting me see them again. I started thinking purging and really wanted to do it. I went to the store even. I got back to my car and ate some jello, but in a desperate(?!) attempt to save myself from the act, I did something else. I really wanted to do something--take something. So I OD'd on Vicodin that the dentist gave me. I'm fine. It wasn't enough for something to seriously happen--it was 8 tabs of the Vicodin. I was trying desperately to "numb" things. I had/have no intention of anything more. I was only planning on taking 4 of them. I did that. But I had these ideas that I had to take more. So I took 2 more, and then 2 more. There was nobody online to talk to. I couldn't login to the forums from my cell phone. I didn't know what to do. So that's what I did. I am okay. I never had a problem except for the miserable fact that I was AWAKE all night! After that much, hoping and thinking that I would get a good night's rest--I didn't. I know that I will have to pay for my transgressions when I see my T and when I talk to my daughter's T. I have harassed them both quite a bit lately as well as the social worker at the shelter office. I owe them all a cup of coffee or something--DocJohn, too.

((((((INKY))))))))

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{{{{{{Inky}}}}}}

((((((((((((((((Inky))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((Inkblot))))))))))))))))))))

You lived to tell us about it........that's the most important thing. I know the feeling of wanting to "numb" & then having a big time OD......glad you did not suffer much & you're still here w/ us...........THAT"S IMPORTANT!

My thoughts are w/you -- me tonight.....rest easy DAYZEE9

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{inky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

((((((((((((((((((inky)))))))))))))))))))) i'm sorry that you felt alone that nite. is there a way to set up a call when you feel alone to someone?

pm me and maybe we can set something up?

be safe,

kd

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((INKY))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Missi

Thanks, everyone. I know that I wasn't totally alone--I still had email--right, Doc? So much for the good mood email I sent yesterday afternoon. I know that I'm going to be in trouble when I see my T on Wednesday. T's don't seem to like that term that we are "in trouble", but that's how I feel. And it's like the T is my Dad and I am the kid--I'm in trouble no matter how you look at it. Your parent is there to look out for you and teach you right from wrong, good habits, etc. T's do the same thing, but in a different way. I felt "drunk" and out of it when I went to work this morning, and I had taken the pills between 9-10pm the night before. I started feeling a little more (but not entirely) normal closer to noon today. It's going to be so much easier talking about this with my T than discussing anything about the P-word (*purging* is not yet in my vocabulary).

((((((((((((((((((Inky))))))))))))))))))

By the way, I saw my T tonight. I left him several voice mails since our last visit--including at least a couple during the Vicodin crisis, so he knew all about it. I got scolded. I got the impression he'd rather I take those other pills than the Vicodin. He didn't say anything about me having any "pressing issues" and leaving him voice mails or notes between now and our next appointment, either. He asked me how did I feel after taking it, but I played dumb and asked how he meant or when, how long after. I've still got so much going on.

Yeah.... I'm sorry to see others go through what I do too, it saddens me that you are hurting so.

You have to be honest with the T... he isn't against you, he's your support. They tend to not discuss the idea of our leaving messages... imo... they don't wish to dampen our spirit, don't wish to break the link we make that way.. but don't wish to encourage it either.... You say you got scolded. You know, I tend to use those kinds of words at/about my T's reactions sometimes, but it isn't really scolding... you know? IMO it's positive support and we just don't know how to accept it or realize it... cuz we take it like all the "other" comments ppl make (that aren't supportive). In this way of theirs they are modelling good behavior. We need to learn what is good and what isn't. And what is "ok." Our boundaries and limitations are messed up, I think.

Feel better inky. You do have a lot going on... and you're going through it. That's good. Do the best you can. OK? TC

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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Oh Inky,

I hope you don't use a lot of the Vicodin. I had many OD's on that & tylenol which contains the same thing....I ended up hospitalized & they made me take Mucamist which takes the stuff out of your blood system that causes kidney failure. The chances of it causing that is great the more you take..(my OD was way more than 8....8 is the max dose / day). I really hope you are able to put some support in place in case you get to that point again. I hope you don't let these situations mess with your job either...

Take care of yourself.. you have so much happening to you at one time...I'm sure it is hard to sort it all out & choose the best response....we all care & want the best for you.

Debbie