[ConcernedAunt]

Greetings...

I will open by stating that my siblings and I grew up in a household headed by a antisocial personality disorder mother. She was of the unstable/violent/power-hungry/paranoid/self-important variety. Not much fun.

My siblings and I, however, each left home as soon as possible and we managed to make contented lives for ourselves and we each have our own children.

It is my 16 year-old niece that is of our greatest collective concern;

1. She has no friends. Never has. Never wanted one. She is able to live in complete isolation and could really care less if she ever saw another human being. She is 16 years old and never goes out, never hangs out, never has sleep-overs, never attampts to sneak out for keggers or dates. Other people are just there, like an interesting show playing on a t.v. in the background.
2. When she talks to someone, she is quite charming, smiling all the time and seems to listen. She is animated and laughs. If, however, you take the time to notice, she is always subtly steering the conversation back to herself, and how wonderful she is. Moreover, one walks away from a conversation with the distinct impression that, once you are out of her visual field, she could care less if she ever saw you again.
3. She would like nothing better than to spend her entire existence puttering around the house, alone. She doesn't want to "grow up" - ever, and take responsibility for her life in any way, shape or form. When her mother insists that she perform her assigned chores, she responds within 24 hours by leaving the child safety locks off the medicine/chemical cabinets, where her 4 year-old brother can get at them. (And she KNOWS that he is extremely curious about all of the bottles contained therein.)
4. Speaking of her brother, he was born nearly blind and has had to undergo several eye surgeries. She has never, ever, expressed concern for him. In fact, when he came home from the hospital the last time, he was protesting that his bandages were being changed. My niece had been reading at that time. She walked into the living room and, rather than asking how he was at all, asked that her mother shut him up, because he was interupting her progress. She has always been this way with him...resentful, unconcerned for him, and outright admitted that she would be happier if he were dead. No flinch or abashedness when she said it.
5. She is a vapid beauty...a stunning-looking non-entity. Tall, thin, blonde and vapid. She wants nothing, except a roof over her head, food in her belly, and to be left alone to putter. She loves no one. She misses no one. No subject, object or person has ever inspired passion within her. She aspires to nothing. She could care less about her grades and, yet, she firmly believes that any college will take her, if she ever actually wanted to go to college, simply because she is that great. Its outright delusional narcissism.

I have no doubts that my niece falls somewhere within the antisocial personality disorder spectrum. I have said nothing to my sister when she raises her concerns. Yet, she knows. Little by little, she is beginning to outwardly voice her concerns by pointing out similarities between our mother's behaviors and her daughter's actions.

The problem is twofold: (1) I can see my sister beginning to crumble under the realization. She, like me, knows the implications of antisocial personality disorder. For her to admit this is to admit that you have (a) lost a child and (b) brought a person into the world who will, undoubtedly, bring misery upon her subjects of focus. Does anyone know of any great, online support groups for parents just coming to understand that their children have antisocial personality disorder?

(2) While I feel typical psychiatric treatments do more harm than good when it comes to addressing antisocial personality disorder, I have also read that social programming/life skills training can go a long way in helping them to live on their own and, thus, reduces the trail of used-up victims in their wake. Does anyone know of any of these programs specifically geared toward antisocial personality disorder that are located in the Northeast?

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ant...9/METHOD=print

Has your niece been formally diagnosed? What was her childhood like?

ASPD can and has been successfully treated using methods such as cognitive behavioral therapy and anger management. However, these methods only work if the patient (your niece) is willing to change, and if the good doctor is up to the task. If your niece is only pretending to comply with therapy, it could indeed make her condition worsen.

... If none of that nonsense works (or makes it worse), you could always try this ... Using your amazing capability of empathy, put yourself in the shoes of your niece and teach her accordingly. For example, she does not have the capacity to care for her brother, only herself. So, show her how her brother's well being will affect her well being. I.e., how his untimely death would affect her negatively, and vice-versa.

As a person who has [thrived] from psychopathy for his entire life, I can attest that the aforementioned therapeutic method is successful for me. Or, was successful ... Until my therapist dumped me ...

[Junerain]

Has your sister thought of just a bit of 'tough love' and insisting she get a job and interact with people for a longer amount of time than she is now? Perhaps if she is a part of 'teamwork' where others are relying on her to get her job done...she will grow just a bit as a person, if they fire her she may learn financially she has to put her antisocial/narcissism on hold while at least on the job.....in order to earn a living...

has anyone ever told her- You are diverting the conversation back to you!!

This sounds like a difficult situation. My heart goes out to you.

I can only imagine what the rest of her life holds...a little tough love now may prevent a lot.

Perhaps you should reconsider the informal diagnosis of ASPD. I can't seem to get past the claim that she has no definite goals or desire to do ... anything. Those with ASPD have the uncanny inability to tolerate boredom.

Maybe there's something I'm missing and she does have ASPD. But it's not in your niece's best interest to apply a label that has such negative connotation without knowing for sure that she has it. If she doesn't have ASPD, yet people treat her as if she did, she could fulfill that expectation by molding her behavior to fit the diagnosis. I'm just saying to be careful about throwing around this and that personality disorder until you have a professional to confirm it.

[Junerain]

I agree with Myers, sounds more like narcissism.

I thought it was Schizoid myself, where the "charm" could be learned behavior. Narcissists need their "N-supply", which makes them very social and dependent on others. And I've known some schizoids to be very cynical and narcissistic.

[ECHOES]

Do not confuse asocial with antisocial.
Withdrawing and isolating are symtpoms of many things.
Being charming or entertaining in other ways can be a way of keeping people from getting too close.
If she has little regard for herself, the positive feedback from being charming, beautiful, etc. will feel false and meaningless to her.
There are many things at play. It's complicated. She's complicated. We are all complicated human beings.
My guess is that she would like her life to feel better to her. Even if she would not say so for anything, my guess is that she feels this deep inside.
Is your niece able to get help from a psychotherapist? I hope so, so her life can feel so much better to her.