[inkblot]

I need to be on an episode of Star Trek. I want to go to the holodeck to meet with my hologram T and never walk out. Continuous virtual therapy. I am SURE that I must be annoying my T with so many voice mails. In one of my latest, I told him that he might as well just give me his phone bill because of all the messages I am leaving him. Last night was not a good night--again. He did try to call me, but I was in the store and not able to take the call. That was probably a mistake. I had cravings again last night for Vicodin. I'm not even an addict, so I can't use that excuse. It's all emotional. I've been "practicing" with other pills related to my on/off eating habits for about a year and a half. Now, I guess I am starting to broaden that a bit. The good news is that I am out of Vicodin now. I took my last two pills last night, on top of my two Lexapro and some propranolol. And I enjoyed it! I was craving that again tonight. It's just self-medicating with all the anxiety I am feeling from everything in life. I believe that I had a period of disassociation last weekend after talking to a *Male* friend on the phone. This friend likes me--as in wants to get to know me. He has invited me to live with him since I am in my car, meet for coffee, go camping together, whatever. He is a nice guy, and I am sure that I could trust him. It's MYSELF who I don't trust. I let friends do almost whatever they want and get away with it. A friend will test a situation and think that I am okay with it because I didn't do anything, so he will slowly progress, still thinking that I want it. I am scared and anxious and a little PTSD like, and another guy friend who called and wants to get together with me--for chat and *more* --if you know what I mean. Add that to my situation at work and not knowing how long I will have this job, lack of insurance, and reacting to changes in the schedule of seeing my kids--ARRRGH! It's too much! There has been a time or two--make that **MOMENTARY** *thought* or two when I reacted to the stress at work with the thought for a second that I'd be better off dead that to go back to work there. Obviously, I am still going back, but for a brief second or two once or twice, that is how I reacted. I stopped at the liquor store tonight. Hopefully tonight won't be the night the police decide to check up on me and socialize. They trust me and leave me alone, but like the "Murphy's Law" saying, if it could happen... I hope not. I just don't know what else to do.

[Raynaadi]

Inky~
I am so sorry for everything you're dealing with. I'm sure your T is not sick of your messages! Reaching out is a good thing! Here's some things I noticed in your post, and please don't take this as preaching or anything ok? I just saw a lot of myself here...

"I took my last two pills last night, on top of my two Lexapro and some propranolol. And I enjoyed it! I was craving that again tonight. It's just self-medicating with all the anxiety I am feeling from everything in life."

I used alcohol to self medicate and deal with life. I could escape that way, just forget about my pain and struggles. And the feeling felt good, and when I didn't have it, I craved it. I craved it just tonight as a matter of fact. Not a craving for a beer, but a craving for a "drunk". Anytime anything becomes something I crave or rely on, it's a red flag.

"It's MYSELF who I don't trust. I let friends do almost whatever they want and get away with it. A friend will test a situation and think that I am okay with it because I didn't do anything, so he will slowly progress, still thinking that I want it."

I let people walk all over me, needing to please everyone. And it was very destructive behavior, even though I was just being nice. Now I do what's right for me, and realize I have boundries, and I don't let people cross them. This kind of thing made my life harder then it needed to be, which lead to my abuse of alcohol.

"I stopped at the liquor store tonight. Hopefully tonight won't be the night the police decide to check up on me and socialize. They trust me and leave me alone, but like the "Murphy's Law" saying, if it could happen... I hope not. I just don't know what else to do.

The "yets" play a huge part in keeping me sober. "I haven't gotten a DUI yet" "I haven't lost anything important yet" "I haven't killed anyone yet" etc etc. I used to have "I haven't ended up in the hospital yet" on the list, but have taken it out after realizing I had landed in the hospital with wierd health issues which I now know were do to drinking, because now they're gone.

I'm not trying to say you have a problem with these meds or anything, I'm just noticing a lot of myself in your post. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk with your T about how the meds made you feel and you began to crave them. Stop the possible issue before it begins.

I hope I haven't made you angry! Feel free to PM me if you feel I crossed the line. =)

~Rayna