[Junerain]

a place that looks like this....

Successfully confronting my cold hearted mother for all her abuse...her denying it..showing no remorse..actually laughs when I say she abused me...telling her I cannot be at her birthday party as I do not celebrate the life of an abuser. She says I am punishing her and missing out. I said Mom you punished yourself_ when you deliberately chose to verbally and financially abuse me! I hate to even call her Mom, she is more of a 'thing,' a cold hearted, evil 'thing.'

So I will not miss her, as any conversations I had were guarded, as if one shows any vulnerability..that is when she attacks verbally..taking advantage of the emotional, holding them to just 'facts' People, when challenged by her, say it is a wonder anyone ever married her. Probably for the large alimony she gets from my father.

I do think of the days when I was little..when my illness had not hit...and she was evil then..but the whole conflict was less pronounced, and I did feel like I actually had a mommy...*sigh*

But too many people out there say good things about me, actually the opposite of what my mother told me daily...it just cannot be true those utterings, and the way she always wanted to see me poor, her accountant side jamming in to me, saying I wasnt allowed to borrow any money from Dad to get by, as no one has married me and I am working very hard but at minimum wage. She keeps jamming into me head how dare you spend $10, you poor girl, how dare you drive, you are a bus girl. Someone called you beautiful? Must have been a mistake. She thinks horribly of me.

And I of her..her soul is ugly....always saying mean things like I will amount to nothing, I am a *****, I am a weakling, I am romantic but it will never 'work out' with 'those thighs' She blurts these things out with an evil tone.......me having no self esteem, being a bit weird, I always believed them all......until I found myself through others and it sure wasnt my family that helped me find myself, had to search tooth and nail for those that would listen & give me half a chance..

So I dropped out my master's program..there is no way I could ever be a teacher...I am as disorganized as they come and I know I could never do it...I do have my bachelor's though.

I applied to be a counselor for a mental health agency, which I have done before and loved, but did not hear back. I got a job lead to work with runaway teens..but it's kids I prefer..and the job was for a substitute at the runaway shelter, which how could I call in to my other job to be there when they needed me?

I miss waitressing, I miss the charismatic people that work in restaurants, always upbeat and full of energy, I live eat and breathe the restaurant gossip, who likes who, I get into each and every personality, so it looks like in addition to working at the afterschool program 2:30- 6:00 and the occassional before school 2 hours..it will be waitressing once more..I talked to a great restaurant that has an opening at the end of May...

Friendships are going great. I have one deeply wise and spiritual friend that sees the full picture of my life, who I am, and who I can be, who offers sage advice, and I offer some to her, too..we are both single..
Another friend who is there for me a great listener, another a lot of fun and cares deeply at the same time, another is a male singer in a band who is gentle and deeply spiritual, another someone I recently met at church who recently confessed she herself saw a psychiatrist, and even referred me, this new doctor is a christian and is so 'in tune' to how I feel...I just puzzled all the others, who tried to fit me into a box...

I love the children I work with soooo much, the openness, the vulnerability, the sweetness, I crave 2:30 to come each day and do things like the game MASH where I predict the little one's future

My dad is okay I guess..although he seems to prefer a certain distance from me...

My brother is very arrogant and pig headed..

I am cooking more instead of always eating out, learning to live how the rest of the population lives.

I finally found a biography worth reading (I read all the mental illness biographies, which sustained me for a time when I truly needed them and their stories) So i am reading 'There are Worse Things i Could Do' the story of the life of an actress, who i am forgetting her name right now, as I always think and see according to emotional truths, always forget details, always , always, this is why bosses fired me over and over..grrrr..

trying to put the past in the past, and see me as a healthy person, as so many say I am. easier said than done with such an empty, depressed, society failed me kind of a past.

Struggle with being single..as others seem to find each other so naturally, it never ever works out for me...

But the 'high' I get with true and deep friendship is equally as deep!!

Joined the softball team at church, and it feels good..my father said he might come watch me play, finally something out-er instead of an emotional inn-er like PC all the time, I overdo it occassionally..

So I feel some sadness at the lost years and being single..but the things I have overcome are enormous..my personality has completely and utterly changed, I feel it in my toes

I dont get called 'weird' every day anymore.

I have grown as a person, and I have PC to thank, the insights I got here are so phenomenal, so life changing!!

I love you all! We are all special and we are all beautiful

And I guess that includes me

Junerain, may you continue to learn, grow and prosper.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((Junerain)))))))))) Thank you for sharing such an uplifting post. It's so good to read all the positives in your life and how you've overcome past struggles. Keep going! Best wishes on your continued journey.

[purple_fins]

What a wonderful post.

It's quite a revelation when we can see that what was told to us,
as wee little dependent ones, were lies. (rather, reflected more on the person saying them than on ourselves)

You go girl!

I wish you all the best of things and much peace

thanks for sharing!

fins

[SWA 1971]

Wow, Junerain! Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to say. Please take care of yourself & keep up the great work!