Factitious Disorder PLEASE HELP!!!

Ever since I can remember I always had thoughts of wanting to be the one lying in that hospital bed, on the stretcher in the back of an ambulance, or even in surgery. Here and there I did try to act on these thoughts growing up nothing to serious. Tried overdosing once which I was to scared to take way to much, I tried faking a few times, I cut myself and acted “suicidal” to get the attention I was craving.

Up until a year ago I just delt with the thoughts and didn’t act upon them except for those few occasions. Then I couldn’t take it anymore so I faked an incident was taken to the hospital. Then I became addicted I want more. I have been to the hospital by ambulance aprox. 5 times since that incident. Lost the job that I loved so dearly because of it.

I got so sick of fighting the thoughts and became so exhausted I wanted to give up. I Was sent into a deep depression with real suicide attempts that ended me in a psych facility for 1 week.(that's where i found out that my prob. was an actual disorder) The facility didn’t do much for me. They wanted to do psych testing on me and the whole 9 yards but I demanded they release me because I was about to get kicked out of school. Oh yeah did I forget to mention im going to school to become a medic to work on an ambulance. That seems to be the only thing that has ever subsided my thoughts. When im helping other people I don’t feel the need to play the sick role I feel the need to help them…

Well now im crying for help!! I want these thoughts gone!! I don’t want the thoughts of wanting to be the person on that stretcher or in the hospital!! I want to be a great medic but i don't feel this its going to be possible without help. Please help me get rid of these thoughts.

Oh yeah when I got released from the psych facility it took 4 weeks to actually see someone again.. it was an intake appointment to see what program I fit into. I didn’t get to talk to anyone.. I have to wait another month to have another intake appointment. And then they might give me a counselor to talk to. IM SO F***N FUSTRATED! I WANT HELP! Its not fair. Im someone who actually wants help to get rid of this disorder that ive had since I was a little girl and I cant get it. While others are fighting to get out of the system when they don’t want the help. i am so scared of going into deep depressive state again because i get overwhelmed with these thoughts and fighting them.

hello and welcome

You sound like you are working through things and have found the light at the end of the tunnel. Good for you for being motivated to want to be a medic. I was a medic in the early 1980's and it was intense at times. I hope that as you find yourself doing something positive for mankind you won't feel the need that propelled you to make the bad choices that you made earlier in life.

You can do it!!

Welcome to the Community, need2be_me. Since helping people keeps the thoughts at bay, perhaps you can do some volunteer work? Exercise might be very beneficial.

Sorry I am not much help. Please continue to post so we know how you are doing.

Take care of yourself.

(((((((( need2be me ))))))))))

It sounds like you are on the right road now, I know a month to wait can seem like an awful long time but it will come and then you can get the therapy that you are needing.

In wanting to be the victim you were crying out for help, it's good that you recognise this and now you are wanting to be the rescuer. Being the 'rescuer' can be very stressful and you will need to be strong emotionally.

Keep talking here.

Can you go through some other agency beside the psych facility? Is there a low cost community or school counseling center that could be used until you get the next intake?

I would look at hospital community classes, see if I could find a group meeting to attend while I was waiting for individual help.

hello and welcome to psych central

id like to approach this form a different angle if i may - and this is just my way of thinking ok ... first i would try to figure out why you want to get this attention.. im wondering if either tyou were sick as a child and saw the attention you got or had a sibling get sick or be long term sick maybe? and maybe craved the attention you missed out on from your parents while they were ill? any way thats what id do first - try and find the source - then once i knew that id try and find a way to get good attention - which i thin you will be doing by trying to help others - but maybe there are opther ways to satsfy the need ... just throwing things out there for you to think about .....

I know a month is an eternity to wait for an appointment - but it will go by fasty if you keep busy wiht things - the volunteer thing sounded like a good idea..... in the meantime is there a friend you can talk to RL ? somtimes just hearing these things out loud helps us identify what the source is and the direction we need to take - somtimes not.....

Depression is a terrible thing when it gets you (been there) and i can fully understand you not wanting to go back there again - are you on any meds? anti-depressants? you sound really frustrated and anxious .. i could be wrong .. keep posting here - there are a lot of wise andhelpful people at Psych Central and even if sometimes all you need is a hug - there is someone here who will help out.

please let us know how you go and keep in touch ok

P7

Hello need2be_me,

This must be terribly hard to deal with...along the lines that Phoenix is thinking was there any abuse in your past that you needed to get away from or a person you needed to get away from?

If there was, did you ever get away from them or are they still in your life?

Abuse and its impact doesn't go away even if the person goes away, and it acts on the psyche long after the abuser is gone; it can also have a huge impact if the abuser returns even for a short time into your life.

I really hope you can hang on for that appointment but we are all here in the meantime need2be_me and we will support you as best we possibly can,

((((((((Hugs))))))))

Rhiannon

My sister and i came to the conclusion:
When i was little i used to jump off of furniture and hit the floor really hard when my brother and sister were in the room. I would scream and cry and my mom and dad would come running yell at my brother and sister and comfort me. I also was sick at least twice a week on sat. evenings and my parents would have to take me to a walk in out of the town on sunday morning because i would have a strep throat/ear infection/sinus infection with a high fever. Oh and i mostly crave the attention from men. My dad wasn't really ever around for emotional support.

yes im on depression meds I have very bad anxiety it runs in the family. I told my dr but he won't put me on anything for it thats why i want a psychiatrist. I am very frustrated because i am trying to go through school and each day that goes by is one less day i can focus on my studies.

thank you for caring

hi need2

well, bravo for your courage. Seriously.. most people would not have the strength to openly state what you have. People in our culture tend to turn away from people with these kinds of problems because they don't understand the psychological grip it forms... but like addictions, eating disorders, OCD and many other "in your power" problems, it's just not easy.

find whatever ways you can to soothe the tension without causing yourself harm for now. That's the key... because you need help to overcome this. volunteering is a good idea, so is getting as into your school work as possible... find tangential ways of easing the thoughts until you can learn how to override them.

it isn't going to be fun... the thoughts won't really just go away with some pill or therapy. It's going to be a lot of you battling against how you react to them, just like now except with better skills and understanding. But you can win.

what other things make you feel good or happy? what other things make you feel positive things? when are you most likely to feel adequate or successful or appreciated? Think hard about that... think about positive times in your life when this was less intrusive and ask yourself what was different and how. Try to find more of those things now.

peace

well, at least you are making steps to get the help you need. although you sound frustrated that sometimes you feel like you're waiting around to get it. i've been there too. i hope that you at least have access to a crisis line or something, i know i use our local crisis line often. i'm new here, but everyone seems pretty understanding and helpful, so i think you'll find some insight here too. i hope it turns around for you soon.

Update:
so i have no therapist not psychiatrist... the intake i went to all they wanted to do was send me to group thearpy which i talked to another therapist who is also a psychology professor at my college he said that wouldn't be a good idea because ill just take everyone elses ideas and use them to help me play the sick role... he said i should do private therapy first and then go into group therapy... the hospital wasn't willing to offer it...

i have so much going on right now im just going to take a break.. i moved bak home with my parents who have no clue whats going on...and im in the middle of no where... next month when i move bak to the origial area i used to live in ill go look for help again....
Lets just hope i can make it through this month...

I feel the same way. As a kid I was ALWAYS ill, and now I find I WANT to be ill. I hope you can get help. Hang in there!

idk if it will help, but personally i would try to fill my life with things that brought me feelings of acceptance, attention and being adequate. It isn't being sick you crave, or even the attention.. it's whatever it means to you. What does the attention bring you? WHat does it make you feel? WHen do you feel that from other things? When have you felt that before without being sick.

It may be true that much-needed attention came when you were sick and not otherwise, which is sad and unfortunate, but once you know that you have to decide what to do about it.

try focusing on the same sorts of exercises and books meant for those with anxiety/OCD. Learn to calm yourself. Get a book like Mind over Mood to help learning how to manage the thought processes better.

whatever you do, stop seeing this as something bigger and stronger than you. YOU have the final power over what you do. It's hard, but you do.

So, even once you get some help, the core will consist of learning to manage your thoughts and feelings, learning how to calm and take control over thoughts/feelings that push you to do things that are destructive and then finding ways to get your emotional needs met in healthier means. You probably do need help doing it, but it doesn't have to wait until that help comes. Every single step you take now is one less to take later.

peace