FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
13 |
#1
I am a fairly lonely person. I don't really have friends and no knowledge of meeting, making, and keeping friends. I am agoraphobic, which has a lot to do with it I guess, but can anyone give me some advice as to how I can meet people and make friends?
I don't know if there is something wrong with me, but it seems like when I do meet someone, the friendship doesn't last long or run very deep. It's more like a very blurry acquaintance, and then it's over. I'm often too shy to talk to people in much depth or tell them about my personal life. That might be part of it. I just want to know how I can make and keep a friend. Help please. |
Reply With Quote |
Neurontin
|
Member
Member Since Nov 2009
Location: That's none of your business.
Posts: 274
14 |
#2
I'd suggest involving yourself in activities you enjoy, such as church, volunteer work, etc. You'll be around people who have similar interests. Don't give up! I wish you well!
__________________ |
Reply With Quote |
Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,135
15 14 hugs
given |
#3
Hello MM,
You will make friends here and you will find it easier to start to talk to people and get to know them...I'm agoraphobic too and I think I am because I don't want friends __________________ Peace, the deep imperturbable peace is right there within you, quieten the mind and slow the heart and breathe...breathe in the perfume of the peace rose and allow it to spread throughout your mind body and senses...it can only benefit you and those you care about...I care about you |
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Posts: 49
13 |
#4
I'm agoraphobic too and have the same problem in my life. I recently had one really good friend who was pretty much my only close friend move away. I felt I could truly open up to her unlike most people. I miss her so much and barely go out any more. I'll go out some weekends to see bands. I have a lot of acquaintances in my local music scene but because of my anxieties and being shy I never seem to make any "real" friends.
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
13 |
#5
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
13 |
#6
|
Reply With Quote |
Veteran Member
Member Since Apr 2010
Posts: 348
14 |
#7
My situation looks quite a bit like yours, though for entirely different reasons. I too rarely go out of my house and to an outside observer it probably appears that I have no friends. What I have found over the years is that most people don't want the type of friendship that I am interested in having. I am not looking for companionship or someone to 'hang out' with in a friend; I'm looking for someone that I can call at three o' clock in the morning, say 'I need you now' and they ask no questions and are at my door in 10 minutes. Those people are few and far between.
Oftentimes you hear stories in which someone says, "When something like this happens to you, you really find out who your friends are" I don't want to find out then and so I vet my friends well before I choose them. I'd rather be alone than with people that I can't count on because those 'friends' end up causing more heartache in the long run. Anyway, I guess my point is this: True friends are hard to come by but so worth it. They are worth waiting for. Most people will sell out their wish for a true friend to just have someone around so they aren't lonely. When I meet those people and see them engaging in a superficial relationship with their 'friends' I pass them by cause I don't want superficial in my life. Okay, so how do you make a friend... that's hard to describe. I will say this, people are used to having superficial relationships but they yearn for something more. Most people are afraid to bring their authentic self to the table bacause they're afraid people won't lik them if they really know who they are. They wear masks and take a layer off occasionally but still they hide. What I have found, for me, is that when I am open with people - they latch on. People try to relate to one another - they are looking for a connection. If you greet them with superficiality they respond in kind. It's a connection, but a weak one. If you don't have any other connections to another human being, you might settle for that - if you have other connections that are stronger, you let this one go. For instance, I met a woman the other day who is in a similar situation (we both have spouses in prison). We were having coffee and she told me that she sometimes worries about her husband. I shared a very personal story that spoke about my own fears surrounding my wifes situation and the sleeplessness and nightmares that it had caused. As I said, it was very personal. She immediately tried to relate by sharing something very personal about her own life and fears. I countered by sharing where those fears had come from for me, sharing a portion of my childhood and the abuse I lived through. She blinked. Then she shared her own abuse history. And so on and so on. When I got home I had two e-mails from her. The first talked about how much she enjoyed the coffee meeting and how it felt so good to share, the second was to tell me that she wasn't sure the first e-mail got the point across strongly enough. That it was like I knew more about her than anyone else in the world after one meeting. It was my own candidness that got her to open up. She wanted a connection with someone and I made it easy by taking off my masks and allowing her to do so too in a nonjudgmental environment. People are reluctant to let such a connection go. And so here it is in a nutshell, at least for me. Share honestly and openly, listen nonjudmentally and try to understand the person, not the facade. Accept them. Good luck. |
Reply With Quote |
la doctora, ladylazarus, Rhiannonsmoon
|
Junior Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Posts: 6
13 |
#8
I am so lonely
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
13 |
#9
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
AkAngel
|
Veteran Member
Member Since Apr 2010
Posts: 348
14 |
#10
Quote:
I understand what you mean about telling people personal things and sounding needy as a result. My thinking on sharing personal stuff is this: If it helps them, then I'll share regardless of how personal it is. I'm not going to let embarressment or shyness stop me from helping someone. Sometimes it's just sharing something that lets them know that I really do understand their predicament, sometimes it's what I did when 'such and such' happened to me. Sharing part of yourself is a gift. If a person was sharing to get sympathy or attention, then it isn't a gift - it's a tradeoff. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
13 |
#11
|
Reply With Quote |
Legendary
Member Since Jul 2004
Location: dreamy land
Posts: 16,874
(SuperPoster!)
19 459 hugs
given |
#12
Share small things, and ask the other person about their small things..
__________________ |
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Mar 2010
Posts: 125
14 |
#13
I'm somewhat in the same boat, very lonely, have a hard time sharing details about myself. I would like to talk with you, Manipulated, but only if you're comfortable exchanging email addresses. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.
|
Reply With Quote |
Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,135
15 14 hugs
given |
#14
Making friends is like breaking an egg, once you tell someone something you can't "untell" them. And many people thesedays are so very self centred and would hang the phone up if you called them at 3 in the morning. I however would think you had died if I got a call at 3 in the morning, and that would freak me really badly...
It is complicated to make friends when you don't have any and you don't know how to make any. There is a book titled "how to win friends and influence people". I've never read it but I am told that it works. You could read that and get some ideas? I'm very happy with the way my life is as an agoraphobic. I don't want people coming here, I don't want phone calls, I don't want anyone interfering in my life. I'm happy to sit in my chair, listening to the waves crashing on the beach, making lunch, sharing my life with my partner. The only thing that would make it perfect is if we had a boat to live on. Maybe I choose not to have friends because they have let me down after I gave everything. When I had nothing left to give they turned on me. When the mental illness got bad and I needed help they turned on me like a cobra on a mongoose. I gave from the heart. Maybe I'm angry at that treatment, but thats the way it is if I am. I really hope you make friends MM...we all deserve to have someone we can count on and you are no different in that...You could always join comic.com RHiannon __________________ Peace, the deep imperturbable peace is right there within you, quieten the mind and slow the heart and breathe...breathe in the perfume of the peace rose and allow it to spread throughout your mind body and senses...it can only benefit you and those you care about...I care about you |
Reply With Quote |
lonegael
|
Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
13 |
#15
I'm comfortable giving you my email address. I'll pm you with it.
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Posts: 49
13 |
#16
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
lonegael
|
Member
Member Since Mar 2010
Location: Georgia
Posts: 47
14 |
#17
What I can't figure out is why everyone I know seems only to socialize at restaurants, which I can't afford. Or if I invite someone over, they don't reciprocate. In 15 years I've had various people over for dinner or lunch and only once did someone invite me back -- just for desert, because they didn't feel ready to have dinner guests, but that was fine! I would love to go to someone else's house for a cup of coffee and chat, even if they're folding their laundry at the same time. I'm finding it very hard to reach out at all anymore, but the only friends I have live out of state, so I'm alone too much.
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Location: Brooklyn, New York City
Posts: 232
13 152 hugs
given |
#18
Quote:
__________________ "All That We Send Into The Lives of Others Comes Back Into Our Own." Edwin Markham (1852-1940) American Poet |
|
Reply With Quote |
lonegael
|
Junior Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Location: Beloit, WI
Posts: 18
13 |
#19
Quote:
Be youself, give your freewill a chance. If someone can't accept you for who you are, that is their loss. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Junerain, ladylazarus
|
New Member
Member Since Jul 2010
Posts: 1
13 |
#20
There is no reason to accept agoraphobia as a part of your identity. A good therapist can help you resolve that issue and give you honest feedback on how others perceive you and feel around you. As you open up, whole new worlds will open up for you.
|
Reply With Quote |
Reply |
|