[QUEEN OF WANDS]

growing up was difficult,,,as for most of us here i imagine,,my mother was always moving us,,usually in the same city just in different parts,,beginning in the first grade i began transfering schools,,it was very rare for me to actually stay in one school for the whole year,,i never had a problem with making friends and i was never picked on,,but,,i never got to develop friendships for very long,,each time i moved i would meet up with people from earlier years,,after a while,,beginning in grade 6 i guess,,made a few rounds by then,,i noticed friends would start to be different after i stayed a while,,it seems they have a preconception of what /who i am,,or like i was around for show,not for input,,i dont think i say anything wrong,i am very supportive and like to have fun(i used to be carefree and laughing in the younger years until about 14),sometimes my thoughts on things were deep,and i have gotten some curious looks,,,but what bothers me is i am always approached and invited and befriended,,but it seems once people get to know me they're not as inviting.sometimes people clam up on me ..idk,,i am so afraid of being judged now as an adult i have a really hard time accepting or creating and continuing a friendship,,,,even here i feel welcomed and then i feel like people read my stuff and think im too weird for them to bother with so i am no longer welcome,,,i am not feeling very good about how i am suppose to accept who i am and continue the courage to get help,,thursday is coming quickly and i am so distraught,,,,and now i feel like i shouldnt post this because someone may feel bad and say words just to make me feel better but not mean them but i am posting anyway to make me feel better because i want help and its hard to stay positive,,,

[Perna]

Originally Posted by QUEEN OF WANDS

and now i feel like i shouldnt post this because someone may feel bad and say words just to make me feel better but not mean them

Queen, I am so sorry you feel that way! Sounds like you may do a number on yourself to make sure other people don't hurt you first. Been there, done that, got the teeshirt

It doesn't sound like you had an opportunity to learn to make/manage long-term friendships at all. My father was in the Navy and we moved a lot too; I came back to the same neighborhood/kids when I was a junior in high school and we had moved away right after my third grade. To kids, that 8 years seems like a million (because only had 15 or 16 total). The first week I was back I had made two new friends and one took me to meet her best friend whose brother had a friend over and he was introduced to me and immediately said, "Aren't you the one who threw up in second grade?" Talk about feeling weird! LOL We were juniors in high school, not a good start.

What is interesting to me now that I'm nearly 60, I went to my 40th high school reunion a couple years ago and looking at my year books and my elementary school pictures (and I had a best friend from when I was 5-8 who came to an earlier reunion and wrote the names of everyone on my class pictures from 1st and 3rd grades) and thinking about high school and what I thought then and what I "know" now, I can see how "wrong" I was in my thinking, how "small" because I didn't have the experience yet to understand well. I was thinking I was weird and ignored and a "loser" and that thinking kind of made me act like one rather than the other way around.

I think you and I got so use to being "unknown" because we moved so much we translated that into "unknowable". We thought we were looked at sideways because we were weird or something instead of because we just weren't as well known as people who had been there all along and grown up together. Yes, we had to try harder since we weren't as well known but, instead, we kind of gave up because we thought we weren't wanted.

I think it's hard for other people to know what to do with "new" people; yes they can be interesting and novel at first because we don't know them yet but then, a lot of people just go back to their "known" friends, they feel safer than having to keep trying to fit this new person in. Unless the new person also stays trying to fit in, they can get dropped. Takes effort on both sides I think and newer people get discouraged and people who have been around start to take them for granted too soon and it appears they're not interested anymore, aren't as "inviting" as you say.

I think I need to remember that for myself, that it's hard work being inviting, just as it's hard work to be new and try to get and stay connected. Thanks for your post!

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

thank you,,i will begin to try and find how to develop friendship skills,,practice makes perfect right? so i am going to try and stop giving up so quickly ,, i do a number on myself for sure,,i guess i pick out anything wrong about me before anything is said by anyone else,,it seems as you get older the cautious people are,,maybe im confusing that with rejection too,,im just feeling very alone in the world,,,thank you for your words they meant alot ,, and it seems you can relate have a good day Perna

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((Queen of Wands))))))))

Want you to know straight up that I'm not posting this because I have to, no one has to, if I wanted to I would have ignored it.

You're not alone Queen and I'm really sorry that you feel the way you do. We are all here because we need support ourselves but also so we can help others through their feelings and concerns.

I think Perna is right, you never learned to develop individual thought or confidence in your own decision making because your mother wasn't a good communicator and had no idea on how to communicate properly.

Now that you're an adult you will be able to develop yourself the way you want to in your own time. Just take care of yourself and know that we are here, to support you and help you along,

Take care,

Rhiannon

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

thank you rhiannonsmoon.."""I think Perna is right, you never learned to develop individual thought or confidence in your own decision making because your mother wasn't a good communicator and had no idea on how to communicate properly."""....i never thight about that..when i was around my mother, she would always shoo me away...taking care of us always seemed like a chore and the only time i ever really seen her like life was when she was drinking on the weekends,,if i came to her it was a bother and if she was upset about something and i was around she would yell at me to go out and throw shoes at me if she thought i was in the wrong..she let her boyfriends spank me if it was felt needed,,i was a very well behaved child and mostly did not deserve disipline at the time,i was very quiet and did not have mischeivious ways,she also use to ship me off to my grandmothers for months at a time because she couldnt handle it,,but kept the other 2 children at home with her even though they were not well behaved,,my brother was and still is not very well behaved even tho he is in his 30's now,,anyway the times i seen my mother communicate was during her fighting and being beaten sometimes,,i mostly heard it all but also witnessed some..she was always fighting in every relationship.she lost friends because of her actions or words or ungratefulness.i also seen her communicate when she was drinking with her friends,but drunk talk is not really rational,,she was either always stressed or hurt or mainly mad,,,,now she is very opinionated and believes what she says is the only way..she can be degrading ,, always pointing out peoples bad points,,i was told at the age of 14 and weighing only 110 pounds that i had a big butt,always making me feel stupid for having any thoughts or feelings for example,she is very negative about other people and finds most people very annoying,unless she drinking,,,anything anyone has to say is idiotic if she doesnt agree,she thinks most people are idiots if she is not getting anything from them that is not a benefit to her...gossip she loves,,but she does not pay attention to what anyone is saying to her unless it is interesting to her,,she will talk right through you and over you as if you were not part of the conversation,even if its just the two,she is very self rightous and hates if people are dependant on her for anything,she always wants everyone to feel so sorry for her and plays a victim alot,,,i have had a very difficult relationship with my mother , she has changed a little with me in the past year because i refused to be around her,,i would ignore her calls and tell her i didnt want her opinion,,but that is hard because of guilt...i dont mean for this to be a mom bashing ,, i dont talk bad about her often,,,well i hope i did not pick up those behaviours as we are very different ,,i am very compassionate,,she is not,,,im not sure what my point is anymore but this gives me someting to think about....thank you........wow,,that felt deep,,i hate to think about my childhood

[Shadowghost]

QUEEN, I don't know you or any of your friends or loved ones, and anything I say on the matter won't carry much weight at all, but I am truly sorry your mother wasn't more loving and compassionate. I'm sorry you don't have a better relationship with her. It's always the ones we love who hurt us the most. Your pain is so singularly bad, though, because in your words I sense a deep love still residing inside, despite all the hurt your mother has caused you. I don't know what to say to you, except that I'm sorry.

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

thank you for your kind words shadowghost...they do carry alot of weight because i cant really talk to anyone about my troubles yet(i have my first appointment thursday),,i have never felt like my feelings were ok to acknowledge without all the guilt but hearing that others can empathsize or even sympathsize makes me feel not so alone ,, and maybe not so wrong for feeling like this and wanting to get better and live a happy life...coming here and being able to open up without the fear of being judged in my daily life with others in my environment means alot to me,,i have kept alot bottled up and i no longer have the strenght to continue so unhappily so my journey to heal is begun,,it started a few months ago on my own looking for info,, searching the internet for symptoms and when i found here,i realized there are so many people that are affected that maybe it is ok to admit and get help professionally ,,, wish me luck on thursday ,, may your day be bright

[Junerain]

I see a lot of myself in you, I too, think deeply and make deep comments that are mocked and leave me feeling vulnerable and sad.....I believe the true and good sensitive people get walked over in this life, 'tis sad..

Please let us know how it goes Thursday, please write more and more, get it all out...you deserve a happy life, you are so deserving! Please participate more and more with PC, you can and will be loved here, without judgement.....I love you already

You could even be one of the helper people that ends up helping others, you have discovered something great here, PC is very non jugdmental to open up here is beautiful....I find I only get along with non judgmental people as well....they are out there...here's to me and you finding them, and us recovering

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

thank you so much,,i felt that in my heart ,,,tomorrow morning is nerve wrecking but i will post how i made out...

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

Yes, you are different. So am I. In fact, every single person who walks this earth is different(unique) in his/her own very special way. Of course, it is not one's difference which is holding him/her back from true happiness, but one's negative perception of his/her difference. Therefore, Queen, the more you are convinced your difference is truly a flaw, the more it will, indeed, be one.

Have a good one.

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

wise words princess,,i will keep them in mind..hopefully someday i can learn how to accept myself the way i am.im trying to get there .thanks................i had my appointment this morning and i am disappointed...but i guess a little progress was made...when i was speaking to the woman on the phone i thought i was going to be seeing a psychiatrist but when i got there all they did was a screeening test(WITH A SOCIAL WORKER!!!)what the heck...i explained everything on the phone and that is not what i got from the conversation or i never would have gone,,,but,what could i do,if i walked out i may be the one losing out,,,,i had an anxiety attack as soon as she come and got me ,,i calmed down about 10 minutes into it,, so we talked and she suggested some group therapy,,i sure the hell aint ready for that..i explained my concerns about what my family doctor spoke about before he died and told her i would REALLY like to be seen and tested for disorders and reluctantly she agreed , saying that the psychiatrists are mainly there for an initial diagnoses if needed(i believe i need it)and that they dont take on regular clients because through mental health most everything is done in groups...well,,i dont know,, i did get an appointment with one on the 30th so now i guess ill see...there is a doc taking over my family doctors patients temporarily and i made an appointment to see him as well,,i may ask for something for anxiety then,and inform him on what i am doing..i also may ask for a referral to see a private psychiatrist(still through medicare)....i wondered all day if i am just wasting energy trying to get treatment because who knows how or when i will be treated,,i dont want to try a whole bunch of different meds because im not properly diagnosed,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,discouraged but still wishing for a brighter future

[Junerain]

Just curious, what about groups makes you uncomfortable? Groups can be great in seeing you are not the only one going through things, that others have been in a similiar spot, learning what helped them get through it, bouncing ideas off each other, even forming new friendships..groups have got me feeling better, they come with therapy time as well..

It took a while to get to the place where you are now, may take some time to get you out, take a deep breath, take a bubble bath or do one of your favorite things in the meantime..

I myself have improved tenfold from the worst of my bipolar disorder, and there is no reason that you cannot either, with lots of patient time

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

well,first of all i live in a smaller city and so there may be people who know people etc,,i dont want people talking about me,,alot of the people you see coming and going from mental health are not usually people i would like to be around,,they have their own hurts and problems and alot are on drugs,prostitutes,drunks,,etc,,,many go to therapy by order of the court to stay out of jail,,i believe that is useless if a person isnt going for the right reason,, second my troubles are very embarassing to me,,in order to get better i am probably going to have to get right down and come out with the things that make me feel so paralized and i do not want to tell anyone but if i can find a someone whom i can trust to open up and they have some answers on how do deal with these problems then i will ,,to let someone know my inner self is hard but if a doc can help i would be willing,,also i think its much wiser to know what we are dealing with before we try to fix it,,im not just depressed,and anxious,there are reasons why,i know it, i just need someone to diagnose me properly so i can get the proper help i need,,if i am finding the help is not helping the issues then i will be easily discouraged,,its very hard to keep moving forward,out of my comfort zone and try to make sense of everything so i can get to a point in my life that i can move forward....thank you for the encouragement junerain i feel like i have a new friend...

[Junerain]

Yes, let's be friends PM me anytime!

Confidentiality is kept within mental health groups, the professional announces with each group that NOTHING is repeated outside the group- NOTHING. I have never seen anyone break that, in all the groups I have gone to, feel safe there..

You could even use this site, PC, to begin to open up about your inner self, we love you here! We will be nonjudgemental, and perhaps if you write it out, you could begin to understand just what IS your inner self, and what needs work...

Doctors can be good of course, but I usually get more help from groups than I do doctors, every time!

Try not to judge the people who attend groups- you wouldn't want them judging you as well

Write more, here listening, holding your hand