My mother-in-law from out of state is visiting us for a few days. This is her second night here. At first I was nervous. I'd only ever met her at the wedding, and we know very little about each other.

Compound the matter with the fact that hubby often wants to hide my psychiatric illness. If I'm hospitalized for it, he wants to neglect the words "psychiatric" or "mental," and let people assume I'm in the hospital for my diabetes or something. We rescheduled all of my p-doc and T appointments until after her visit, so it wouldn't be obvious to her that I have need of those things. Hubby's "let's hide it" attitude was making me even more nervous--oh my gosh, what is she going to think of me? What is she going to go back home and tell the rest of hubby's family about me?

With the visit going smoothly so far, Mom happened to casually mention a young, fairly close relative of theirs needing treatment for bipolar disorder. Hubby had no idea, and was astounded. I answered that I sympathize with the young man, since I also have a psychiatric disorder for which I must take medication. Mom didn't blink an eye. We then had a short discussion on how unhelpful and nonsensical it is to ask a question like, "What are you depressed about?" To me it makes the same amount of sense to ask, "What are you diabetic about?" She completely understood.

Later after she had gone to bed, I told hubby, "Now you see? There is no reason to be ashamed of me having an illness." Hubby answered, "Well, it's not that I'm ashamed of it. I just don't understand it." This may be true as far as it goes, but then, why would he want to hide it? From where I sit, if you want to keep something secret, shame is the reason.

As a child, I hadn't yet been diagnosed with anything but had been suspecting I had a problem. If I said so, adult family members would take the stance of, "Oh, there's nothing wrong with you. You just need to straighten up and fly right." Attitudes like that are the reason I despise the term "behavioral health." It implies that there is no illness involved, that all you have to do is "behave" and everything is fine. There is nothing wrong with "mental health." It doesn't need a euphemism.

I first began counseling after being sexually abused when I was 12, and when my mother heard me telling someone where I had just been (to a counseling session) she rebuked me for it. She didn't want people to know.

But if we all talked about it freely, just the same as we do diabetes, heart disease, cancer, or any other illness, wouldn't it take the stigma away? Hubby feels much better now about his family knowing I have a mental illness, now that he has found out his own close relative has one too. Keeping these things hush-hush helps absolutely no one.

[Beholden]

Dear LovebirdsFlying,

Oh, YES, yes yes yes. 'IF Only". In an ideal world, and thank you for beaing true to yourself when you saw the opportunity to share your mental health issue with your M-I-L.

Also, I looked at your bio and learned a new word, "onomastician". Thank you again for that.

I love that you are a writer. What gendre are you writing? I started a mystery a few years ago in a writing class I took (For free) at a local college. All classes are no charge for senior citizens! off topic, but I hope you don't mind.

You rock! and I admire your courage to make your own views be shared and I hope your husband soon gets used to the idea it is okay.

[Gus1234U]

Dear LoveBirdsFlying,, thanks for putting all that into words, i hope they leap off the page and fly thru the net~! i especially liked the part about the "behavioral disorder". my personal nit is "mental illness",, like ,, show me a Mental please ?? it's a BRAIN CHEMISTRY DISORDER or something~!
Anyway, glad to meet you, in essay. Hope to see you in chat or group some evening,,, Gus

[splitimage]

Way to go with being open and honest, and I'm really glad MIL was supportive. I'm sorry your husband doesn't get it - maybe with time he will.

I think if more people were willing to talk about mental health issues and addiction then there would be far less stigma attached to it.

--splitimage

[somewhat defective]

Oh yes, the joy of stigma!

It amazes me how I can openly talk to friends and family about epilepsy and get a concerned, encouraging and supportive response but as soon as I mention bi-polar it's red faces, shuffling feet and embarrassment.

Many people in my circle of friends and family know as much about epilepsy as they do bi-polar (very little!) but somehow seem more comfortable discussing it openly.

In the UK mental health issues have always been confined to the institutions and only relatively recently has there been a push to educate and inform. However this information is confined to small flyers in doctors surgeries and pharmacies.

For as long as people see sufferers of mental disorders as 'nutters', 'wierdos', 'psychos' and 'crazies' there will, unfortunately, always be the embarrassment felt by those close to us.

It is up to us to talk, educate and inform..... but only when we feel like socialising!!

SD

[bridgie]

just like your husband i think many people dont understand. the more research that goes into mental illness the more it will be discussed. most illnesses have gone through that period where we havent figured out what was wrong. look at breast cancer. we realized women were getting seriously ill but we didnt know why until research was done and many many women were getting sick. only a few people came aroundto assist and discuss it. we then found treatment options and ways to catch it early. as more and more people are diagnosed with mental illness and we find ways to treat them and ways to realize earlier it will be discussed more. even now we have a multitude of commercials for medications to treat these illnesses. when people see these they start to believe that we truly are sick. its coming, just slowly

[Rhiannonsmoon]

It's really good that it's out in the open and you don't have to be nervous or pretend. In my partners family there is 4 close members with mental illness, so to him it is as normal as eating hot porridge in winter. And because we live in such a tiny village everyone knows I have mental illness but I am not dangerous to anyone and they know it. Some people have a preconceived idea that mental illness = violent behaviour, thanks to lots of movies and telemovies not showing anything less than the extreme.

I think soon enough they will be slotted in normally along with other diseases and won't have the stigma attached. I've only met one doctor and one or two nurses so far who have juged me as wanting drugs because I have a mental illness.

But good for you for being open and honest and I am sure she appreciates you being honest with her, it shows trust that you felt you could talk to her about it without being judged.

Kudos, LovebirdsFlying.

Further irony: It turns out MIL is a suicide-intervention *instructor." Which means that not only is she trained to intervene when someone is suicidal, but she teaches others to do so.

Obviously there is no need to hide anything psychiatric from her. I can tell her about anything, and she won't even flinch.

What's odd is that hubby had no idea about any of this. He and his family are not especially close.

I'm glad I can speak freely and not feel a need to hide anything, but I'm also glad not to be TOO close. My last ex, he and his family were so "close" that they were practically on top of each other, all up in each other's business and blowing things out of proportion, to the point where if one of them farts twice, all the others start speculating about what must be causing it. It was miserable. Even his distant relatives knew intimate details about our day-to-day life, including sexual and financial matters, plus psychiatric and other medical issues. They discussed *among themselves* whether or not we should have children, or what we should do with our money. I was living in a fish bowl and would much rather have it this way, where I don't have to hide anything, but people are also minding their own danged business.

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

Orginally posted by LovebirdsFlying

But if we all talked about it freely, just the same as we do diabetes, heart disease, cancer, or any other illness, wouldn't it take the stigma away?

Perhaps, yet, perhaps not. There are so many various possibilities of the outcome. Of course, positively trying to educate others about a serious illness, could never hurt. Some may listen, some may not. Nonetheless, you still would reach some.

Have a good one.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I had a thought lovebirds. Maybe your MIL could teach you some of her intervention techniques as possible strategies for yourself in emergency situations? It's great that you have her in your life and it's a great learning curve for your husband to begin to understand that his attitude toward mental illness needen't be one of embarrassment?

[armatthaei]

I can so appreciate what you are saying. My strongest challenges came from my supervisor at work. An assistant manager called me into her office one morning to ask me not to talk about my depression at work because some people might perceive me to be a less able nurse than what I really am. I didn't tell her I would. I instead said that it was a sad day in healthcare when providers buy into the stigmas that society has placed on mental illness. After her response that I was a braver person than she was, I walked out of her office going "What was she thinking?" A depressed person who doesn't talk to someone about their experiences with the disease is at increased risk for harmful behavior. The management team also told me @ various times during my medical leave and after I resigned related to my depression, that I should not come up to the nursing unit and spend large amounts of time with the staff. (They just didn't seem to understand that my former coworkers were my main suppot system outside of the mental health professionals I was working with. Take that away from a person recovering from a depressive crisis could have led to suicide. This management team consisted totally of RN's most of which had at least a masters degree-quite apparently not in psychiatric nursing though. They were more worried about potential liability to the hospital than what such a tragic death of a former member of their staff could affect the staff and their care.) I usually went to spend time with my (former) coworkers @ work when my anxiety was so high I needed to be around others so I wouldn't start harmful behaviors.

I tried to get some accomodations so I could continue working @ a university medical center as an RN, not necessarily with patients, whom I could endanger. I was looked at and seriously told by a social worker with the company's Employee Assstance Program, "that they don't give accomodations for people with mental illness." I completed the application anyway, but don't think that the committee that was supposed to review it ever did.

From your example & mine, it looks like we do need to continue to educate the public, especially healthcare providers.

armatthaei, BSN, RN