Big Problem

Im at alot of different sites well recently one that i hang on a daily basis, i was having some issues in my life and this girl helped me and shes been having alot of issues. So far so good cept she emailed me the other day and told me she really likes me and would like to get to know me more.

I was shocked cause shes been a real helper to me in my life. I had no idea this was coming, now the problem im married and very unhappy. Which she knows this (the helper girl). I was no out looking for anything but some help and over the last 3 months her and I and others been talking like normal you know nothing unusal. Then this happens.

Im really scared cause sad part is to be honest while im scared im also relieved .. i feel like such a bad person cause now i feel like ive cheated on my wife. I dunno what to do ive never done this before and i really like this girl which she has been nothing but supportive to me and my wife but in this email she told me i need to end it cause it isnt going to work out. While shes prob right ive never seen myself ending up in these shoes and always been one against any kind of actions like ive done .. all i was doing was getting help and things turned into this.

I just dont know what to do .. this girl is really interested and gave me her number and said her and i need to talk .. .. its been over 3 months of close talking i just never thought this would happen let alone find myself thinking about her. I feel so bad. ehghh i hate this stress. Anyone got any ideas??

First question I have, have you met her in real life or this a net person?

You haven't cheated on your wife, not physically right? When I was married, I ended up developing feelings for a guy and it went on for a little bit. Then one night, with the help of intoxication, I made out with this guy. We didn't sleep together. But that made me realize just how unhappy I was with my husband. I am not a cheater. But I almost slept with this other guy, and just the fact that it went as far as it went, made me realize I had better take a look at the marraige if I had been so tempted to get so close to this other guy. I felt horrible about just making out and staying the night. In the end I left my husband. I lost interest in the other guy because he did what he did with a married woman.

So, from my experience, I would suggest looking at your marraige. If you're considering cheating, why? What are your motives in the idea of an affair? Is the relationship with your wife fixable? Do you love her? Is she worth working through these issues for? If you don't love her, and think you ought to leave, being honest with her is the best thing you can do. However, don't leave her for this other woman. Because really, do you want to be with someone who would sleep with a married man? I would be worried about her morals, and what she might do to you later. If you feel like you want to leave your wife, make sure your motives and best intentions lay with being honest with yourself and your wife, not hooking up with someone else. There is a period of time needed after a relationship ends to seek a new one. Did you ever like being the rebound boyfriend? Would you respect this new woman if she turns out to be the one to end a marraige and the one who wants to be a rebound girlfriend? This is all just from my own experience. When I'm faced with such a big issue, I find getting it on paper helps. I just start writing and let my feelings pour out on paper. Above all though, my advice is to give this all some really serious thoughts. Good luck!

~Rayna

Hi there,
It is not unnatural for a relationship to begin, it happens often even with therapist/client relations, some clients become attracted to their therapists, in different ways, but one common way is the fact that a person is listening to you when you talk, you feel you can confide, and feel, "wow! this person is listening to me and really knows just how I feel". Before you know it, we become fond/close to the listener, the comforter, and you feel secure. Feels good when this happens, I know, but in time most of us have to go through that stepping away, and keeping within professional (legal and ethical boundaries) which can be a sensitive issue, needs to be dealt with softly.
This is a form of transferance,therapist try very hard to avoid this when it starts to occur. Try to pretend this is like a professional relationship and tell yourself it is time to look at what and why this new relationship blossomed, is it transferance or have you "really" fallen in love?? Would it better to try to fix your relationship with your wife, with counseling before calling it quits? Ask yourself, is this all really worth running away from a relationship that may have had a chance? Sorry for the questioning thing, but meeting people over the internet and start to think of leaving your wife for, can be quite a gamble. I think you and your friend need to address how much is this a relationship built from transference or from true attraction to one another. I wish you luck with this, and hope you can work this all out with the least pain amongst those involved.
If you haven't already, you may want to talk to a mental health professional for some input that may be of help.

Take care,
DE

This is the way things go. It's also the reason married ppl need to guard their hearts, or they will be stolen (sometimes by ppl who don't really care.) I would say you might consider making these 2 different issues. YOU need to stop having ANY contact with the "helper" girl, first. THEN see if you want to work on your marriage, or to chuck it all. If you and your wife decide you don't wish to put the effort into putting it back together, then end it. IF you do end it, then you can contact the girl. But I wouldn't continue the relationship with the girl while pretending to work on your marriage... you won't be fooling anyone. Also, think about this: some girls don't "want" the guy unless he's married. It's their sickness that makes it a game, break up a marriage and leave laughing. IMO you feel guilty because you are... you have cheated on your wife mentally. This girl is providing a caring relationship that you should be receiving from your wife only. But this is more fixable than allowing it to go further, imo.

I suspect that if your wife had ONLY the concerns in her life that your girlfriend does, that your wife would be as desirable to you as the girlfriend.

I wish you well in these decisions. TC

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

Want to share your Christian faith? Click HERE