Bamboozled, hornswoggled and hoodwinked?

Some call this mindfulness. I like that term, even though the word originated through the new age movement I think. The definition is the same, though I use the Source as the originator of the process.

It does us no good to complain or drudge up the past, nor to worry about the future. A good goal is to live each moment as a gift, and value each thing as it relates to where we are right now, thinking right now.

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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Such insight. Care to share how you arrived at this result?

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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This idea of being 'lost' before one can be 'found' is an interesting one. I suspect lost means different things to different people and even then the interpretations may vary depending on circumstances. Perhaps it is equally true with our definitions of found.

For me I think I connect lost with being 'alone'. It’s not always without direction but separated from the whole. So I might translate the saying to read, ‘I could not find myself until I was left alone.’ Left alone to hear my own voice. Left alone to put aside the needs of others. Left alone to make my own mistakes so I could know myself better and in the process treat myself with more kindness.

Being alone means I can decide everything for myself. My life is my own, my time my own, my choices my own. I value these things in part because much of my childhood and young adult life was spent being my mother’s care giver. The only time there was peace was when I was alone. I could sleep the nights she was in the hospital because I didn’t have to stay half awake just in case. When she was in hospital I had more time for me. I still spent long hours at the hospital everyday but when I left the hospital I didn’t have to carry all the worries home with me. In those days being left alone was for me a welcomed respite when I would steady my course and focus on the bigger picture.

Another way I sometimes look at it is to say, ‘I cannot form meaningful, trusting relationships with others until I form one with myself.’ I remained single until I was 36 and it wasn’t long before I felt smothered by the relationship. Everything I had always feared would happen happened. I was almost destroyed by that relationship. I could not maintain a sense of myself, could not validate my own needs, could not endure under the pressure of performance. I grew sicker and sicker as each year passed. It took his leaving for me to begin the journey back. We remain friends but even now when he visits I automatically fall into servant role. He is the boss man and I am the loyal servant working tirelessly and pretty much unsuccessfully to please ‘the man’.

I have learned nothing about how to keep a sense of self when someone else is in need or merely present for me to serve. I wonder if I ever will. I have always carried the burden of having failed my mum. I carry the same kind of burden about my ex. One always looks to past performances so they can learn and do better next time. As someone with perfectionist tendencies reviewing past performances is painful and accepting less then my best unimaginable. Justifying, no matter how well balanced with rational thought is no more than an excuse to do less. It doesn’t change the outcomes and it doesn’t admonish a person’s responsibility.

The key for me might be to learn to live with my mistakes, to actually learn from them without judgement and to welcome rather then run away from opportunities to demonstrate growth. Either way I embrace the concept of showing myself some kindness and reducing the pressure but there is that part of me that just can’t buy into it. I still want a better performance.

Nicely described Byz. I totally relate to the exhaustion of treading water and the despair of no direction.

When I feel lost I can see the shore but the surf won't let me in (not sure I can trust those people – need to find another way). I can see the people but those who do notice and offer guidance to shore, send me off to battle one impossible wave after another (people aren’t very helpful – find your own way). I see the boats and wonder why they don't come and rescue me (don't inconvenience people - they might get mad at you – find your own way). I see them partying and wonder how can they party when I am in such distress (don't spoil people's fun with your downer mood – find your own way). If by chance I make it to shore and join the party there is no recognition of the struggle it took me to get there. The expectation is that I will add to the party and have a good time (perform and give the people what they want – this is your only way).

Lost for me also means getting stuck in the characters I present to the world. Detached from my true self because my true self is overtaken by the performing self. I might find me again if I stopped performing but I fear more likely the exposure could kill me.

Byz, when you mentioned the fear of shame as being such a toxic component of the cycles of anger I recognized a lot of m growing up. Many of my issues with my mother were and are those where her behavior was geared towards placing the blame on me to avoid the shame that she flet she would otherwise have to bear, and the resposes that she had to what she perceived was criticism. Everything had to be my fault, see, because my mother could not make mistakes. I could follow her advice and still be read out by the teachers and HER in public. I could try my hardest and STill be blamed for being lazy and a slackard. There was no point in trying. There was no hope in improvement. Mom was perfect because she always had me to carry the screw ups, and because only God is perfect, well, I was always going to be a screw up. SO, shame? loads. It gets passsed alng in the family.

Anger... I would argue with those who say that Bipolars don't have rage as a component, because so many that I have worked with, and myself, we rage. Either as a response to the pain of mixed episodes (partly in my case frustration, physical/oversensitive/irritation, confused signals) heightened anxiety (not necesarily FEAR) or sudden anger do to being thwarted (speeded reactions make them seem unprovoked). But i would argue that the Bipolar also lowers the threshhold for repressing impulses we otherwise tame and divert. I am still very, very angry at my mother and how she continues to play her games. I am very angry on how she tries to pull in a new generation into this. When I cycle, this permeates into an anger against the parts of me that are like her, sadly even those that are positive. She is not a woman who lacks som very fine features, and i and my siblings have the joy of those as well.

I agree that anger lends the illusion of power, it lends force. it irons out the greys into blacks and white. It also has a tendency to turn like a snake onto whoever happens to stand in the general area coupled with entitlement or with a psychiatric diagnosis. I notice that this characteristic is often my first cue that my meds are off whack. Normally, even if not on meds, my anger would flare and then die quickly. When cycling, it would rise, and then begin to feed on itself. I thought reading your list on the angry personality that all of the traits fit a person in a manic phase pretty well
Sorry if this wanders. I am kind of brainstorming.

On the treading of water: Eventually, if we insist on treading the water, we drown. The question is, do we dare lay ourselves on the waves and hang and let the water bear us? It can, but we have to let it function as water will, instead of fighting it.

(Dead man's float was taught to us as a way of resting in the water to save energy)

Okay, I'll bite. I used to witness a friend of mine doing this sort of thing all the time.

The child learned:
1) I am a bad person
2) I am stupid
3) My parents hate me
4) Doing as you are told isn't always a good thing
5) My parents make no sense

If the situation had been handled differently (eg: child is told to stay where they are while the parent crosses the street; the parent hugs the child, says how grateful they are for the child's safety, admonishes the child for walking into danger, confirms the child understands the danger they werer in and promises not to do it again; the parent walks the child to the nearest crosswalk. It becomes a teachable bonding moment) the child may have learned:
1) My parents love me and worry for my safety
2) Crossing a busy street is dangerous
3) The right way to safetly cross a busy street

Something similar to this happened to me once. My son was a very speedy toddler and would be gone from sight in the blink of an eye. I was helping to set up a hall for an event and when I went to collect my son he was missing. The people were wonderful. Everyone dropped what they were doing and scattered to find him. I was more panicked by the minute. Suddenly he was spotted across a busy street. Everyone gasped to think how he made it there safely. When someone started to call his name another person quickly muffled their voice and told everyone to be quiet and get out of view. She knew if he heard or saw any of us he was likely to step into the street again.

I was much too weak in the knees to move but my friends quickly ran to cross the road further down from where she called to my son to stay where he was and to ask a women closer to him to hold him until she got there. Safely back in my arms I cried and cried while I hugged him to pieces. I was so grateful he was safe all I could do was hug him. I did admonish him for leaving the building once the drama had passsed but I think my tears had the greater impact. He kept wiping my tears saying he was sorry to scare me and he promised never to do it again. He never did walk into a busy street again but it was hardly the last time he wandered into something oblivious of the danger.

One time my girlfriend was talking to me on the street and her daughter kept stepping off the curb. Each time she would get a wack on the butt. I suggested we get off the street, go sit down somewhere but she insisted she needed to get going even though she just kept talking. Another step off the curb and the poor little girl is getting a full on spanking on the street. I interferred like I always do and suggested she was being too harsh and it wasn't working anyways. Her daughter wanted her to stop talking. It was pointless. Her position was that it didn't matter what her daughter wanted, she would just have to wait and better a spankiing then dead on the road. Okay.... whatever. Poor girl.

Oddly this same girlfriend seems to have no sense of any danger when she let her daughter at age 14 date an 18 year old with a car. I trust her. She'll be fine. She can take care of herself.

That and learning how to body surf

I like that thought.... letting it function as it will instead of fighting it. Could apply to a lot of things.

I can certainly relate to the anger portion. We are so similar in nature - recalling statements people have said that have hurt deeply or statements said that would not have been said to anyone else.

Guess I must be experiencing fear now for its been shame all my life. . . well fear and shame - without secret.

Byz the inabler in me wants to see you through it (listenting), as well as allow self learning. We awake something new in us everyday which is one more step closer

This reminiscence encapsulates the sense of inadequacy and frustration I felt, often manifested by anger. One of my teachers at the end of a grading period would ask each of her students what grade the student thought he/she deserved. If I said I thought I deserved a good grade, I was told I was arrogant. If I said I deserved a lower grade, I was told I was not using my talents. If I said I thought the teacher was the best judge of the grade I deserved, I was told not to be a smarty and answer the question.

One time I laughed when the teacher asked me what grade I thought I deserved. The teacher wanted to know what was so funny. I answered I was aware there was no answer I could give that would allow me a reprieve from the criticism forthcoming. The teacher was not amused. She gave me a note to take to my parents accusing me of showing her disrespect. There was nothing I could say to dissuade my parents from being quite upset with me.

Before the next grading period, I decided to remove any doubt about the grade I deserved. After getting every point possible, I walked into the meeting with a bit of a smirk on my face. This time the teacher told me my penmanship was terrible. I told her I disagreed. She sent me to get some pages of my assignments to make her point. I brought back some math pages. That afternoon I had to stay after school to practice my penmanship.

Although I laugh about this now, in the context of my life at the time, it was just another example of how I never could be good enough. I understand my attitude played a role. I know too back then teachers were concerned about students getting a big head. Even so, it would have been nice just once to hear, "You did good."

aaah, Letting Go,, what a Boon, what a Gift, what a Skill ,, how can one laud enough the Great Secret to living here and now ?

Reading your story Byz about your school experience one thing really struck me. I have considered it to be really important all through my son's schooling to always be his advocate. I have never disciplined my son based on reports from teachers or administrators. I would go with him to meet with teachers, counsellors and principals to discuss concerns they were having with his performance or behaviour but I always went in with a problem solving approach. My son never doubts that I am always on his side but that doesn't mean he won't face consequences at school if he misbehaves at school. Its not up to me to impose the consequences of bad school behaviour. My job is to ensure the consequences are fair, my son is heard and he understands what is expected of him going forward. I contribute to the discussion but I never impose addition consequences at home. When he misbehaves at home then it is my job to correct him and impose a consequence. When he misbehaves at school it is inappropriate in my mind for me to take the problems home. I think these are important boundaries to maintain for the sake of the child especially if the intention is to improve performance rather then exercise muscles.

Your story reinforces why I feel this way. My mum was a model advocate for her kids and without her on my side through a few struggles with teachers those experiences would probably still be haunting me today. Instead I have loving memories of her being my warrior and my hero. She made me always feel safe at school because I knew she would be there in the wink of an eye if I needed her. She couldn't be there in the same way when I went into highschool so I had to learn to stand up for myself without her. Fortunately she had trained me well enough to know how to problemsolve and maintain my power while dealing with authority figures.

It had to be really lonely for you to be on your own against not only the school but your parents too. I would image it would cause a child to internalize everything. As your stories indicate acting out in large part demonstrates that no matter what you did to annoy others you have your own sense of personal power and will honour it and live with the consequences rather then roll over for people who have done nothing to earn your respect and cooperation.

I am sorry your parents, like so many, especially back in the day automatically took the school's side. My heart breaks to think how isolating that must be or a child. How all alone they must feel up against authority. I see that amongst my son's friends and I see the parallel to their acting out. They get into their teens and the conflicts with their parents, with the school staff and in their social life excellerate as they begin to realize they are on their own against a world out to get them. They soon don't much care about consequences any more and the troubles they face just escellate. Its very sad and so predictible. It makes me mad.

You know me well, sanityseeker; not many do.

(((((TheByzantine)))))) There has been no greater gift from my time here at PC then getting to know and appreciate you Byz. Its good to be your friend.

I hope you have a day of blessings and peace. I am heading out for a walk in the cool sunshine. I have been saying that for almost half an hour now.... best get at it before the sun hides behind another mountain. Oh my... half my yard is in shade again.

Later, my friend.

This sentiment is one I often have thought about. It sounds so good in theory. I am not good enough at it to benefit from its practicality, although I am working at it.

Some musings that deal with the subject. George Santayana tells us, "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." If the ill forget the past, are they doomed to repeat it?

"Dreams, ideas, and plans not only are an escape, they give me purpose, a reason to hang on." ~Steven Callahan. Should we not plan for the future? Is having a purpose not good, if only as an incentive to get out of bed?

Having a sense of hope is important for any ongoing recovery journey. Even the smallest belief that you can get better can help the process. “Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” — Jean Kerr

How do we not think of the past or fret about the future? Lennon reminds us: “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans” Philip Crosby: “If anything is certain, it is that change is certain. The world we are planning for today will not exist in this form tomorrow.” So, it is go with the flow, and just let go?

Rumination: Problem Solving Gone Wrong:

Rumination refers to the tendency to repetitively think about the causes, situational factors, and consequences of one's negative emotional experience (Nolen-Hoeksema, 1991). Basically, rumination means that you continuously think about the various aspects of situations that are upsetting. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ing-gone-wrong

Remember, it's good to work on problem solving and formulating a plan for improving the situation. But once you've got the problem and plan figured out, you need to do something else other than think it. Do something fun, occupy your mind with something interesting, and give yourself a chance to calm down. You'll be amazed at how much better you'll handle the problem and with practice you will feel better on a regular basis! http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ing-gone-wrong

Repression: In psychoanalytic theory, the exclusion of distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings from the conscious mind. Often involving sexual or aggressive urges or painful childhood memories, these unwanted mental contents are pushed into the unconscious mind. Repression is thought to give rise to anxiety and to neurotic symptoms, which begin when a forbidden drive or impulse threatens to enter the conscious mind. Psychoanalysis seeks to uncover repressed memories and feelings through free association as well as to examine the repressed wishes released in dreams. Do we hide from history?

Intellectualization: A mental mechanism in which the person engages in excessive abstract thinking to avoid confrontation with conflicts or disturbing feelings. Do we no have to face our demons to slay them?

Dr. Grohol talks about common defense mechanisms here: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/15-...hanisms/all/1/

So how does one who is so easily distracted stay in the present? We learn:

Change is always an opportunity to pause, go inside, listen to our ‘inner microphone’ and be in the present. Our lives get so busy, we live based on routines, we never really ‘think’ we don’t want to change. So when change does happen, either by courageous choice or from life circumstances, it is asking us to be honest with what is, and also what is not working for us and our lives.

Mindfulness is about being totally aware of what our mind is feeding us during change. Usually its one of a few dominant disempowering programs: Disapproval, comparison, and perfection are the main ones. The mind is going to feed us the usual ‘change demons’, classic emotions that show up as well to the ‘change party’– fear, doubt, blame, shame, guilt and impatience. Being mindful during change is started by being aware. Aware of what emotion is getting your attention, welcoming it up, asking for its message and letting it be rather than resisting or escaping it.

Moments of change also happen to help us let go of the need for control. Control of knowing an outcome, of how we can speed things up, get out of the void, or this period of uncertainty, the unknown. Being mindful during change is simply about staying with the shakiness. From all change, something good happens. Life is on our side if we just let it be and surrender to it. It knows the way. http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfu...-de-bonvoisin/

Getting what you need from the past is important for understanding and healing. Working to better yourself and put more meaning into your life takes some planning (goals) and is good too. Living in the present allows us to experience who and where we are now, instead of focusing so much on why we are who we are and when will we get to a better place. As with everything, the devil is in the details.

Enough is Enough
By Sheila Dobson

You bring to me darkness, hurt and pain
Guilt, fear and blame
I will not allow you to consume me
I’ll fight back and from you be free
I will not tolerate your abuse
For I have been shown skills I can use
There is more for me in life than to mope
For I hold the gift of hope
When you say I’m no good
I’ll tell myself I did the best I could
When you attempt to direct my thoughts
Down a dark path
I’ll write a letter, call a friend, or take a hot bath
You take my energy and try to hold me back
But my strength will pull me through and get me on track
Your goal for me is to always feel down
I choose to be happy and get my feet on the ground
You take away my restful sleep, just waiting for me to fall
I’ll show that won’t be, I’ll make a phone call
You thrive on burning tears I shed
For me to believe all you’ve said
That won’t happen anyway
For I refuse to allow the lies you say
Know that you are only here for a while
And that I again will be able to smile
For it is only a matter of time
Until I have back myself who is rightfully mine.

Speaking to the quote I appreciate you sharing the dilema one is faced with to really get how it works in practice. I too get conflicted with how it fits with 'learning from the past' and 'preparing for the future'. I get the power of now when worry about the future and sadness about the past cause unwellness. It is a useful step towards acceptance and a feeling of greater calm in the moment which naturally impacts moments in the future.

Perhaps if we were to ask ourselves, "what can be gained 'now' by looking at the past or planning the future?", we could better understand the lessons of 'being in the NOW'. It isn't an excuse to disconnect from one's past or to ignore what one needs to do to provide for the future.

If looking back leaves us stuck in sadness or hopelessness there is nothing much to be gained from looking back. If we can look back and heal an old hurt that is still dragging us down then looking back can be a gain. Same with looking forward. If looking foward stricks up worry and panic there is nothing to be gained. If instead we look forward with the aim of charting a course towards fullfilling goals there is much to be gained. In fact looking forward, as you suggested can be a powerful motivator and guide for what we do in the present.

Maybe the best way to look at it is to think if it isn't useful then don't go there. Be in a spirit of appreciation for what is now as a rejuvinating respite from everything else.

I will continue reading next time. lol. I initially wrote "I will continue reading later." I immediately felt a surge of pressure to make sure I got back here later tonight. A change of wording and the pressure is off. The pleasure of coming here whenever that might be is left untainted by the pressure to succeed or the disappointment of failure.

I am doing a lot of 'splitting of hairs' and 'looking under the surface' today. Peace is a state of mind one maintains by not creating undo, unnecessary and pointless pressure for oneself.

'Change is inevitable.... growth is optional"

Thinking right now can include contemplating thoughts from the past which keep coming up in the now.

On the topic of rumination, repression and intellectualization.... I think it is like anything else a question of finding the balance to maintain a harmony between what is useful and what is toxic.

One needs to find healing from old hurts that dog them with dysfunctions. It often involves the painful work of looking at those hurts before one can reach a place of forgiveness, acceptance and grace for the purpose of being free of an attached dysfunction. Letting go of what would be described as an attachment to dysfunctional thoughts or behaviours can be very difficult.

Because of my past experiences as a rule I don't let people into my head. I don't expose my true self. I don't let people see me in pain. If by chance I do then my automatic response when I cross that line of what I determine is over exposure I quickly retreat into silence, isolation and pretending again. I even do that here on PC. Anonymity isn't always enough for me to feel safe from over exposure.

This dysfunction has meant, among other things, that when my resolve to hold up the facade became unbearable my illness escellated and remained untreated. Circumstances, either internal or external repeatedly have caused me to return to the safety of my mask where I am armed not with the tools to overcome my past but with more resolve to keep the mask on. Further feeding the dysfunction; remaining stuck in my own mind and unwilling or unable (depending on how I am feeling) to reach the balance between the work one does alone and the work one invites another to help facilitate.

While repressing memory of events in life may have negative side effects over the long term they may also serve to prevent further tragedy. Again its a question of balance. If one is not supported in the right way to work through those memories all hell can break loose. I have had repressed memories pop up in my head that set me off in rages that turned my house upside down, left me bruised and battered physically and emotionally and landed me in the hospital.

Intellectualization is probably my favourite default safety mechanism. I distance myself from my feelings to run away from conflict; to pacify disturbing feelings. Once again evidence gets used by me to return me to my default position of distancing myself with abstract thinking. Standing up to the feeling is too overwhelming so I will analyze a feeling rather then face it. I seldom take that next step that includes acknowledging that a balance can be found.

Enough is enough reads like an exorcism of sorts to me. I appreciate the message of empowerment; the self affirming of one's own determination to get free from whatever is binding. It bears repeating again and again until fruit is born. Let me count the times I have affirm such strength and personal power to get me through to the otherside of defeat. Too many to count. I acknowledge the tiny fruits of my labour. Further I recognize how the process of self affirming is another one of those safe places I go to keep the need for help at bay.

Perhaps this is just more of me intellectualizing for my own safety but I do feel recovery from mental anquish is a lonely process. It requires our full participation and ownership. Others can motivate and guide to make the journey easier perhaps, to increase the rate of recovery perhaps, to maintain growth and progress perhaps but alone or with support success depends on a willingness to look back, to expose memories and to challenge avoidance thinking in their right time and place. Often though, the illness can flare up in the wrong times and the wrong places and recovery is set back again.

At least in my experience and coming from a rather defeated and rejected sense of aloneness, hurt and frustration today.

Last night, I went off on two persons who were attacking people I cared about. I do not regret standing up for my friends. I do think it is very unfortunate I let anger again get the best of me. Back to the drawing board.

http://www.sixwise.com/newsletters/0...ur-battles.htm
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-who-can-do-it

This article really speaks to me: http://www.myfavoriteezines.com/ezin...tem.html#gifts