So, I've been thinking about deleting my account lately. Nothing bad happened or anything. I havn't been here in ages and have found different ways to cope other then spilling my guts over the internet. Mostly involving escapism.

The problem is that I'm scared. Scared that on the off chance I, or somebody close to me suddenly becomes an prominent figure of public interest that all of this will be dug up. There is sensitive stuff here. Personal stuff. Downright weird stuff that I wish I could take back. I still have my journal. My therapist has copies of what I wrote. I want to burn it. I want to burn ALL OF IT and pretend it had never existed in the first place. That's how bad I don't want anyone else to know. To me it's nothing but shame.

And then I realize it's not just here, In my short life I've been MANY places on the internet. Countless places, countless posts. The only thing keeping me sane is that I know like everything else in life it will be drowned out. I'm no special snowflake. There are people who have posted worse. There are thousands of people who have posted more shameful things. I should be thankful that the stupid things I do in my youth is sharing my pain and confusion to the world as if I were talking to a brick wall then to drive drunk and swallow my front teeth when I hit the steering wheel.

And yet.

I can't let this fear, shame, and unhappiness go. As if regret was the core part of my personality, of my very being.

I am writing this all now because of a dream I had last night. A dream where I was close to a family that had 3 adopted children. The oldest was a daughter who was frail and crippled from birth, the youngest was a son who had survived cancer as a child however was alright now despite the possibility of remission. The two children were showered with love and support. It was the middle child, this child who her entire life had been disturbed, who lived in far away places, the little girl who never wanted to be herself, to live her life, the girl who was a danger to herself and others, the girl who tried to ruin things for the rest of her family as a cry for help. She was shunned, and had a weary resentment thrown her way until she finally killed herself. It was only after she died did I see how much her family actually cared about her... because in life they were simply annoyed by her.

It was so easy to see the meaning of that. I'm more then willing to overcome things in a physical nature, I can adapt despite how my parents firmly believe that I loathe change. No, when it comes to the part of me in pain, the part of me that lived her childhood in silly fantasies until her own suffering turned her into a monster, the part of me that NEEDS attention as much as she wants it. I've been wanting her to die for so long. To have her dead and gone so I don't have to ruin my image. Even if this were possible, it would leave such a big hole in myself.

There have been other things too, hurting me lately. I realize that I need less stuff in my life, yet I'm too afraid to throw away keepsakes from years upon years ago because then I'll have nothing to remember those years by. My long term memory is horrible. Even as a child I knew this and I tried to write down what I was thinking and feeling about the world around me so that when I'm older I'll remember. Those writing are long gone now. It's true. I can't remember. At one time I could remember my life so clearly but now... I remember remembering things. If I go back and try to remember I can only go back so much before I realize that my memory is shot. I can't remember faces. I can't remember surroundings I can't remember the events well either. I knew this would happen to me, and yet despite my best efforts it happened anyways.

I think to myself, year from now when I'm an adult and no longer can remember my teenage years... will I think it's because of some sort of emotional trauma? I know that this is not the case... but I won't know for sure years from now. I could very easily make up false memories like that. I have so many times in the past... really, it's not that hard. I have a vivid imagination after all.

If a person is simply the sum of their experiences in life... and I can hardly remember my own life... then what am I? Who am I really, as a person?

I'm sorry this turned into such a long ramble. There are things going on in my life right now that should be stressful... but aren't bothering nearly as much as my own insecurities that I'm going to be judged, rejected, shunned by the world. That's what happens when you're bullied since before you can remember, I guess.

PS: Therapy is too expensive right now, otherwise this would be going in my journal. I have no one to talk to about this sort of thing because I don't want the family dynamic to change. Plus my parents have enough stress in their lives as it is and I'm already compounding that by having zero appetite and isolating myself more and more. Looks like once again, PC is the place I'm turning to to spill my guts out. I'm not sure if this'll be the last time or not. I'm hoping that... if someone is reading this right now that they'll understand. That if my own issues someday become the subject of controversy like I have this paranoia about that they'll read this... and really understand me for who I am and know that people aren't characters.

That's it I guess, goodnight.

[Leed]

Hi --- Is there absolutely NO way you could see a therapist now??? Maybe even once every 2 weeks or something??? You really need to see someone. You have a couple of issues going that you should talk about. Plus since you have no appetite, your anorexia seems to be showing it's ugly head again. You MUST get a handle on that, and therapy is needed before that gets out of hand.

Talk to your parents -- I'm sure they wouldn't deny you. And I have a feeling you'd LIKE to be in therapy. I'm sure they wouldn't turn you down -- especially since it's needed.

Best of luck dearheart --- and please let us know from time to time how you're doing, ok? God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Kaika

The problem is that I'm scared. Scared that on the off chance I, or somebody close to me suddenly becomes an prominent figure of public interest that all of this will be dug up....

PS: Therapy is too expensive right now, otherwise this would be going in my journal. I have no one to talk to about this sort of thing because I don't want the family dynamic to change. Plus my parents have enough stress in their lives as it is and I'm already compounding that by having zero appetite and isolating myself more and more. Looks like once again, PC is the place I'm turning to to spill my guts out. I'm not sure if this'll be the last time or not. I'm hoping that... if someone is reading this right now that they'll understand...

Is it likely that someone you know, or you, will become a figure of public interest?

And, I would like to continue to see you on PC. For one thing, who else has all those cat figures? I too have few or none to talk to. Also, you are an unusually mature person for your age, it seems to me. I want more of those...

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi --- Is there absolutely NO way you could see a therapist now??? Maybe even once every 2 weeks or something??? You really need to see someone. You have a couple of issues going that you should talk about. Plus since you have no appetite, your anorexia seems to be showing it's ugly head again. You MUST get a handle on that, and therapy is needed before that gets out of hand.

Talk to your parents -- I'm sure they wouldn't deny you. And I have a feeling you'd LIKE to be in therapy. I'm sure they wouldn't turn you down -- especially since it's needed.

Best of luck dearheart --- and please let us know from time to time how you're doing, ok? God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Unfortunately no, unless by some chance there is such a thing as free therapy that didn't involve pets and best friends. It's not necessarily that they don't want me there, it's because in these financial times we're already cutting back a lot and simply can't afford another expense.

I eat. It's just that I used to be an emotional eater, and now I only eat either if I'm hungry (not often) though more often then not because my dad is thinking that I'm starving myself and he told my mom and step-dad so now everybody is making sure I'm eating right. I don't mind it really because at this point I realize that what I think is "normal" is actually less then normal and if I don't even know how much I should be eating then obviously I need a little help in that department to make sure I'm not accidentally starving myself.

The silver lining at least is that over all I'm a much more physically healthy person because of the weight loss resulting from this.

Is it likely that someone you know, or you, will become a figure of public interest?

And, I would like to continue to see you on PC. For one thing, who else has all those cat figures? I too have few or none to talk to. Also, you are an unusually mature person for your age, it seems to me. I want more of those...

The funny thing about life is, that you only have a vague idea where it's going. You don't know what happens tomorrow until tomorrow is today. I actually do think it's possible though I... don't really feel like going into detail at the moment.

Oh, do you mean the maneki neko? I only own one figure, but I do like looking at them and if I had the money I'd probably collect them, they're really cool.

It's funny you say that, since from my perspective I know some teens just as mature as me (though by now they're almost all in their early 20's) I think maybe the reason why we're not seen much is because we're all introverted though I must say it's mind boggling at times just how.... childish other people my age can actually be. I used to think I was just a normal teen until almost 2 years ago my entire senior class (sans myself and a few other students) did something incredibly stupid and childish and it made me realize that the people I thought were reasonable and mature were still children. I'm childish in other ways though (like... watching cartoons and still being afraid to do things because it might make other people mad) so everything has it's balance.

[pachyderm]

I meant the cat figures that you include with your posts!

I must say it's mind boggling at times just how.... childish other people my age can actually be.

We have some politicians who are not your age but are pretty childish, I think...

Oh okay!
What can I say other then I'm a cat lady?

[pachyderm]

thank you for the beautiful picture