On Sunday May 1, my grandmother passed. It is rough, but I am coping. She was in her 90's and had already outlived her husband, all nine of her siblings, and three of her six children. She was ready and eager to go. It's only missing her here on earth that is the big issue.

Then on top of that, Saturday May 7 was Tuffy's day. That's the cat in my avatar picture. She showed signs of her kidneys being completely gone, and we didn't want to see her suffer. The vet said, at the time of the euthanasia, that Tuffy did have arthritis in her back and was probably in pain. She had been such a good friend, first to my husband and then to me also, for several years.

Meanwhile, I've said before in these forums that I was worried about my husband's inability to show his emotions. He had been badly abused in his childhood, and we both believed that this led to his being so frozen off that he cannot name or express feelings. Not this time. I sincerely don't know what was sadder to see, Tuffy breathing her last, or Mike crying about it. How much pain and sadness it must take to bring that stoic, near-Vulcan man to tears, I can't imagine.

He is very uncomfortable talking about his emotions. Therefore I cannot tell him.... you know what? I can't even say it here. I've sat here for several minutes trying to word it. It's going to sound silly, but here goes. I'm grateful to him for letting me see his tears. It was the first time in our entire relationship he has ever done that. Even when the PTSD from his childhood abuse causes him to cry in his sleep, he'll deny it the next day. He may or may not remember having a nightmare, but he was definitely not crying in his sleep, no not him, he never cries. But after Tuffy died, when I reached up and touched his face, he didn't even make any cheesy excuses about it being sweat, or anything like that. I have never loved him more than I have at that moment. But I cannot explain why, without making myself sound creepy.

I can deal with my grandmother's passing, and I can deal with the fact that we had to put Tuffy down. But even though I had always worried about him because it seemed he couldn't, seeing Mike actually cry has my head spinning.

Does anyone understand? Or is it that I really do sound goofy?

[dragonfly2]

Hi LoveBirdsFlying...

First, let me say that I offer you my condolences for the losses you have had to bear recently. No matter how ready someone may have been or how putting a pet down was for the best, it still hurts and you seem to be handling it very well. to you.

As for your husband, I don't think you sound goofy or creepy at all. Being able to share emotions is what brings intimacy to relationships. I can imagine how frustrating it must be for you, and your husband, to feel disconnected from his feelings. It sounds like he wasn't allowed to show emotions as a child and, given the abuse history, he may be experiencing dissociation. If that is the case, then even if he wanted to connect to his emotions, it would be very difficult for him to do so.

Has your husband had any therapy for his abuse issues? Even if he has in the past, this may be a good time for him to go back. It sounds like something may finally be opening up for him and it would be good for him to have a safe place to allow the feelings to come out.

I wish you both well.

Peace, Dragonfly

[madisgram]

i'm glad too that hubby showed his emotions and cried. he must have so much in him stuffed way down. would he consider any type of therapy? it's difficult for a T to pry open that compartment in his heart but it can be done. and i certainly understand how you feel.
my condolences re your grandmother and cat. 2 very special "ppl" in your life that u loved.

Hubby refuses psychological counseling but is willing to do pastoral counseling at church. Not all clergy are trained in that, and I don't know if ours is, but hubby does trust what he says.

[pegasus]

Some people find it very difficult to cry because of being conditioned to hold it in, which can be through childhood experiences and seems to be set apon men in particular. Crying to some men is a sign of weakness. (Other way round actually.)

Take heart my dear friend, the fact that your hubby is able to cry with you is a huge and massive step forward as it is a release. He trusts you enough to do that. Grieving with someone can make the pain a little easier.

My hugs to you (((((( LovebirdsFlying ))))))) I'm sorry for your losses.

[Sabrina]

I understand completely. My often emotionless husband "broke down" when our boy, Caine was put down.
Your post moved me to tears and I can fully identify the love you feel for your husband showing emotion.

I am so sorry for your losses.

You are in my thoughts.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Lovebirdsflying,

I think that it was good for your husband, I don't think that you should feel out of place by asking about it. I think that what it may mean is that he can feel love for an animal as it is something that won't harm him and it may have been something that he was able to love a young man or child.

I think that maybe you and your husband may need to go looking for another animal that he can love. Maybe something that you can save together at a rescue place. In some way it may allow him to rescue that part of himself.

I also think that if he wants to only talk to someone in the church about how he feels and feels more comfortable with that then go and find out on your own and talk to whomever is there. That way if there is someone, than you can tell that person what you have told us.

Also if he is more comfortable with someone in a church, are you going to church? Maybe that is a place where he felt love and safety as a child, that happened for me. There is nothing wrong with putting someone where they feel safe and it may be a way that will allow him to show more feelings or even feel more.

Some people leave clues for how to help, thats what your seeing. That is what you need to listen too and take seriously. Therapy is not the answer for everyone, sometimes they have thier own answer, try that first.

Open Eyes

We do have three other cats, but Tuffy was special among them. She was daddy's girl. A kitten we got a year ago, Paisley, seems to be shaping up to be daddy's girl too, and she is helping to fill the void. All three of the surviving cats seem to know we need comforting, and they are probably aware that Tuffy is not here, so we are comforting them too.

Yes, I do attend church with my husband. It isn't my favorite, but he is very comfortable there, and I feel strongly that we should attend together. Some time ago, during a sermon, our pastor began to emphasize how important it is for men to show their emotions, and how he himself had been raised on "boys don't cry," and how that's nonsense... It was the same thing I'd been telling him, coming from this very trusted pastor. Although I refrained from elbowing him in the ribs and telling him to pay attention, hubby muttered to me, "Are you having fun?" I smiled and nodded impishly. It was a light-hearted moment, but I think it might have got hubby's wheels turning.

Hubby and I talked as we were going to bed last night. He had opened the door by noting how loving I've been toward him these past few days. I told him I might sound stupid, but he said I could say it anyway, and that he thought he knew what it was. Well, that would save me from having to put it into words, so I asked him what he thought was the reason. He answered, "The way I acted when Tuffy died."

I noticed how carefully he avoided using the c-word there, so I avoided it too, and I simply told him I appreciated being allowed into his inner world, and that he trusted me enough to show me how he felt. Also, I stated what I said above, that I couldn't imagine the level of pain and sorrow it takes to get him to that point.

He noted that we're going to have to face it again some time--our Tiger is getting on in years. I do believe Tiger has a couple of good years left, though.

It's 5:30 AM here and I just happened to wake up. I'm on my way back to bed now, where Paisley the one-year-old is curled up sleeping next to daddy's head.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

Hubby and I talked as we were going to bed last night. He had opened the door by noting how loving I've been toward him these past few days. I told him I might sound stupid, but he said I could say it anyway, and that he thought he knew what it was. Well, that would save me from having to put it into words, so I asked him what he thought was the reason. He answered, "The way I acted when Tuffy died."

I noticed how carefully he avoided using the c-word there, so I avoided it too, and I simply told him I appreciated being allowed into his inner world, and that he trusted me enough to show me how he felt. Also, I stated what I said above, that I couldn't imagine the level of pain and sorrow it takes to get him to that point.

He noted that we're going to have to face it again some time--our Tiger is getting on in years. I do believe Tiger has a couple of good years left, though.

It's 5:30 AM here and I just happened to wake up. I'm on my way back to bed now, where Paisley the one-year-old is curled up sleeping next to daddy's head.

Thats wonderful LovebirdsFlying,

You are being very kind and supportive. There was a message there though that he gave you about not poking him in the ribs so to speak.
And, as you have described how the pastor brought that topic up in a serman, and your husbands reaction, well that is the reason he wants to do it thru, probably that man.

Somehow that man touched his soft spot and gave him permission to feel love and be able to let it out. He liked it and he wants to talk to that pator about it. If I were you, I would go and see that pastor and tell him what effect he had on your husband and how can we support that loving man that needs permission to come out. That pastor has already told you that he knows how it feels, go to him and talk.

All the things that you said to your husband were good. I know he threw a comment back, but that was a message to you, don't push, let it happen. The fact that he is enjoying your attention is another sign, give him more, he needs more, that means that he is telling you that you are actually showing how to do it by your actions. So in many ways you are supporting him and encouraging him. You are going to have to make sure that it does not come with any strings attached in any way. He has to do it freely, without feeling any pressure or an I told you so response. Try to remember that.

You have been enlightened by an event and so, the two of you have a new path where you can enjoy each other better. Just remember to go easy, as if you are dealing with a child that is very shy and sensitive, because that is what he is trying to say, easy there.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Lovebirdsflying,

I was thinking about your post and my reply today. I also made another post to someone that may have a lot in common with your husband and how he struggles.

I have tried to keep it up in the PTSD forum so others can read it too.
But I want you to go and read it, all of it and see how one man is strugging and he may have the same problem that your husband is trying to reach out to.

It is up to you to see if maybe your husband might benefit from reading it also.

If it happens to get covered up again, well, go to my statistics and it is an answer I posted in PTSD today to a man who is really having a hard time. He is having trouble with his dad and the abuse he got and what he is facing now.

It may be interesting to see what your husband may get out of it if he reads it.

Just a thought,
Open Eyes