Members of a service club I once belonged to were asked to provide speakers for our meetings. One of the speakers I asked was the head of a safe shelter in town, a bright and passionate woman. She did an excellent job. Afterwards, she told me it was the hardest talk she had ever given.

The service club was all male. As the presentation progressed, the room became absolutely quiet. There was little applause when the talk ended. No one asked questions, as was usually the case. No one said anything about the presentation at the table I sat at. It was like something was wrong; like I should not have asked the head of a safe shelter to speak.

The next day, I was still bothered by what I perceived to be the shoddy treatment of the speaker. By happenstance, the president of the service club was at a meeting I also was attending. After the meeting, he told me it was sort of an unwritten rule not to have speakers that might make members uncomfortable. He then told me not to worry, the members would get over it and now I knew better.

http://www.saynotoviolence.org/sites..._Factsheet.pdf

Hi Byzantine,

I'm sorry the speaker didn't go over well. It's a shame that people are so uncomfortable with the topic that they would rather avoid it that actually get involved and help. I find the same with the topic of suicide. I worked on the suicide prevention line in my home county for a year. Plus I've been suicidal since I was 10 (that's 20 years!). Needless to say, suicide has lost all it's shock value for me. I don't mind talking about it with others who are suicidal. I am not afraid of the answers I sometimes get. I wish others could muster the strength to become active in such a deserving field as stopping violence against women! Thanks for sharing.

Love and hugs,
Tara

[Leed]

Since the service club was all MALE, perhaps they felt uncomfortable because they saw THEMSELVES in his talk. Perhaps some of THEM have been violent towards women, and they're feeling a bit guilty!! Or perhaps they felt guilty by association, since men are the biggest abusers. Who knows.

I wouldn't feel bad about having that topic discussed -- it NEEDS to be discussed more and OPENLY. It's time we stopped whispering about it, and got it OUT.

God bless & take care, Hugs, Lee

[elliemay]

Males may be part of the problem, but they are also a part of the solution. I think we must be very very careful not to indict, but include. Kudos to you Byz for trying.

As the stats indicate the scope of this problem is endemically global.

Ultimately I think it has its roots in the distribution of wealth and education.

It's uncomfortable, it's an investment in your time, but I would whole-heartedly recommend viewing and sharing this talk. It highlights the problem, but offers a practical solution. It's refreshing really.

http://blog.ted.com/2010/08/17/our-c...nn-on-ted-com/

[googley]

Byz,
I think it is great that you brought this speaker to the group even if it made them uncomfortable. I agree that it might have made some of them uncomfortable because they saw themselves in what the speaker was talking about. But it was important for the topic to be brought up. If we ignore important topics like this, then they will never get better.

[disguise123]

thankyou for posting this. Sad story really, have you heard of the white ribbon foundation?
i will find the address.

"One in three Australian boys thinks that it’s okay to hit girls; one in seven think “it’s OK to make a girl have sex with you if she was flirting.”

A White Ribbon Foundation Report

An Assault on Our Future: The impact of violence on young people and their relationships

Introduction

It is widely recognised that violence against women is a significant problem affecting as many as one in three women in Australia. This widespread violence has impacts more widely on families and throughout our society.

This report examines how violence against women specifically affects children and young people. It looks at the nature of violence they experience in their homes and their own relationships, its impacts, and the priorities for action if efforts to prevent violence among, and protect, young people are to be successful.

Why focus on children and young people?

• Young people are already being exposed to, and influenced by, domestic violence.
• Young people are already being subjected to, and perpetrating, violence themselves.
• Violence-supportive attitudes, norms, and relations are already visible among young people.
• Violence prevention among children and young people has been shown to work.

http://www.whiteribbonday.org.au/med...utureFinal.pdf

[mgran]

I once had this experience in a different context. I was called on to do a talk on animal rights. When I arrived everyone in the meeting was some kind of hunter. That I could have handled, many of my family are animal farmers, fishers or hunters. I'm not unrealistic, or unsympathetic... I just wanted to show another point of view.

Eventually I was so exhausted by the meeting, by the verbal abuse the completely crooked thinking (they constantly accused me of things I'd never said) that I turned to leave. One man in particular sneered, and told me I was a bunny hugger, and couldn't cope with another point of view. I could have told him that I'd killed bunnies and hens in my time, that I understand why people eat animals... but I was just so weary. I said, "I'm sorry, I came to exchange ideas, I never expected a verbal gangbang."

I'd been engaged for a three hour debate and discussion, I was forced to leave after forty five minutes. It felt like a complete failure. Apparently after I left, with that last comment, they were shocked, and had a discussion about what went wrong. They chose to send a check to an animal charity I was representing.

The point is, it's so easy to fall into stereotypes... yet people really are able to think about their behaviour, and reach beyond it. Perhaps if I'd stayed and argued, I'd just have hardened their opinions. By leaving when they started to harangue and bully me beyond the point I could endure, they had to wonder what had happened.

Give these guys time... folks can change.

[Open Eyes]

Well I can understand why you may feel a hole today. I dont know how well you know these men that are in this group but they obviously disappointed you.

But I wouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions, silence doesn't always mean that the men did not appreciate the speaker. More than anything you probably shocked them.
One never really knows what true effect something like this will have on a person.
I wouldn't just assume that the reaction displayed guilt or even a reveal of how these men treat women. It is more the type of a speaker that caught them off guard and the lack of response was probably a better indication of that than anything else.

Byz, by presenting that kind of speach you never know what real effect that may have. A man in that group may have a daughter and he might decide to talk to her about what he learned that night. A man may have a wife that had a history of abuse and he may now have a more sympathetic understanding of that wife. And just because that one man told you that it was a bad idea and you need to learn a lesson, well, that is just one opinion. And that tells you something about that man.
You may find down the road that after some time has passed someone may mention quietly that they actually were glad you presented that and they have really thought about it and it was very informative. It is really too early to tell. Men don't typically know how to respond to this type of topic.

But what did you get out of it? Your opinion is important too.

Maybe you just realized something, you have more value than other men. Because the bottom line is, that is a value, a very good value to be concerned about women and how their lives really are. Are they going to look at you differently, maybe, but I would like to think that you present a good example of a person who is capable of respecting others. Silence does not always mean rejection. I think you definitely surprised them but you did give them food for thought but it may be silent thought.
And silent thought is sometimes the most significant thought and contemplation.

My only concern is for the speaker. I would make sure that you inform her that she had an impact of deep thought and that you feel she did a good job at discussing a topic that is challenging to think about.

People in general do not know how to respond to this information, it is shocking.
Think about this, did you ask questions? Did you have immediate questions come to mind? How did the information set with you? Silence is not always a bad sign.

Oh, and Mgran you should have talked about their hunting dogs and fanned out from there. Most hunters have a very high regard for their hunting dog partners.

Open Eyes

To end my participation in this thread, I will note some in the group told me I was too young, too poor and had too much hair.

[mgran]

Good grief... that was their idea of constructive criticism? I'm glad you survived.