[Quirkster]

I woke up this morning, feeling quite bordline normal.... as normal as a human can get. I went to my first therapy seesion is a couple of weeks, ( I had tried to avoid my T, but it always catches up to you...) I spoke to her about my family issues, about how my family is one of the leading causes of my mental illnesses, except my psychoisis...... about how I am abused in such a way, that sometimes people dont see it as abuse, about how my mother is an untrust worthy drama queen. And then I finished my T, and went to other places, caught up with friends..... and a normal day. Its been an hour since i got home. And right now, all i can think about is how much I would give anything to die. How much nothing ever has a reason for turning itself upside down. And how much id love to stick a huge knife in my chest, and watch myself bleed. This is first time I've actually voiced how I feel. Usually I would keep it all up in my head, try and sleep if off. But no, I'm going to tell this forum, I feel like dying. And Honestly, I have no clue what to do.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm so sorry --- bless your heart. But remember that people LOVE you and would be devastated if something happened to you!!!!

If I were you, I'd call the therapist and talk to him on the phone. I'd tell him exactly what you said here -- when you call, tell the receptionist that it's vitally important that you talk to him -- that it's an emergency!! You need to tell him exactly how you feel!!!

Please call him -- he can help you. God bless & let us know how you're doing. Hugs, Lee

[IceCreamKid]

I think you should call your therapist and tell her or him what you have written here.

[elliemay]

Well, something definitely bubbled to the surface, even though you may not have the words for it. I agree that you likely should call your therapist if you think it will help.

Sometimes one has to sit with and accept these kinds of feelings. If it helps a lot of people experience them. You are not alone in this.

The most important thing I've realized is that, as you engage with your life again, they will pass.

Each time you make it through you will build more confidence in the fact that you can make it through.

I hope you feel better soon, and my thoughts will be with you as you struggle to normal once again. Just keep telling yourself you'll make it.

[Open Eyes]

Quirkster,
I am not sure how old you are but it sounds like your young and still living with your family. You need to tell your therapist how you feel, the whole point of therapy is to talk to the therapist and work on your feelings so the therapist can help you find ways through those feelings.

It sounds to me that you are taking in the negetive comments of others around you.
And the feelings of taking the actions on yourself you describe are that of anger. So what you are doing is joining up with the ones that are expressing the negetive hurtful comments and punishing yourself.

Believe it or not often we have the choice to become a stronger person and not participate with negetive people but instead make a plan to build our own feelings and opportunities that do not include the negetive energy of others. And it is a self mindfulness decision that you take to help yourself and care for yourself. And that is why you need to express your true feelings and problems with a T so you can get help with YOU and how YOU can choose to CONSCIOUSLY REACT.

I don't know your specifics but in general the only one that can help you is YOU. But others can guide you on how to decide to end entertaining these bad thoughts and
and release the energy into something more productive.

Open Eyes

[lmiDAKiml]

What is it about your life that disappoints you? Do you feel trapped in social relationships? I struggled with depression early in adulthood, about 18-19. I isolated myself in my room, felt angry and contemplated suicide quite a bit. Honestly what got me through it was just coming to the realization that there is no reason you can't improve the things that make you unhappy. Relationships, especially damaging ones, are easily broken. The only thing suicide ends are possibilities for happiness.

[Quirkster]

Thank you everybody. I did eventually speak to my T, and has decided itd be better if I had more regular appointments. Still quite depressed, but my T says it all has three things involved 1. finally opening up about my family issues... 2. Not taking my medication and not seeing her/ refusing seeing her and 3. a build up of my mania and she said it matter of time i had a fall. -sigh-

[Perna]

Hope working with those three involved things help you feel better soon!

[Quirkster]

Thank you Perna, Hopefully I will be able to 'rid' my demons.

[wing]

That combination of tools will certainly help relieve your pain, quirkster. I hope soon!

[Quirkster]

Hopefully, but nevertheless still feeling as low as you can go.