[katwats]

Trying to get out as much exposition as possible. Forgive the ramblings: My mother and father had both passed away of natural causes by the time I was 30. I have 3 older siblings, the one who is 10 years older has cut herself off from the family on 3 separate occasions. (She was astranged from my mother when she died.)

(I am now 38 and she is 48.) Just to sum it up: she didn't finish college, she is an addict-- has smoked pot daily (during the day) since she was a teenager, she has numerous phobias, is anti-social, isolates herself, has serious rage issues, lies and justifies things she has done or hasn't done in her life, rambles about her past "family grievances," accuses all of us of being judgmental, meanwhile she has something negative to say about everyone in the family. In what I would observe as outright jealousy of each of us for different reasons, she has berated and eventually abandoned all of us--like I said--multiple times. She feels "misunderstood" the "black sheep" yet she is the one who continually runs away. Having her in my life is drama, unpredictable, volatile, and exhausting, yet I am still tempted. She just recently reached out again after 8 years via facebook. She practically raised me when I was little (ironically, she is great with kids) but she is such a terrible adult friend. I'm sad, confused, annoyed, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I have very little family left which is why this is so upsetting. I know she exhibits very deep emotional damage...all the signs point to that but how much slack can one person give another?

I answered her back politely, but was not elaborate. I am trying to keep her at arms length but I long to tell her how I really feel. I know it will fall on deaf ears. I long for someone she trusts and respects but doesn't have familial ties to, to tell her the truth of her actions and reactions.

Any suggestions or advice?

[wing]

Wow, Kat. The addictions forum will for sure help more than I can, but I can see your dilemma. I'm not sure allowing a toxic person like that back into your life is such a good thing. Sounds like you feel as if you owe her something since she raised you, but you are both grown up now, and I feel relating on an adult level means allowing her to take responsibility for herself. If she is unwilling to get treatment for her addictions and self-destructive behavior, I can only see more turmoil ahead for your family.

On the other hand, maybe she is reaching out for support to help her help herself.

In either case, I would be sure to set firm boundaries on the relationship until you find out what she wants from you. I think you did the right thing to remain somewhat aloof.

[Perna]

Hi, katwats, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I can see why you want to keep your sister at arms length and don't blame you.

I don't think anyone else, even if she had someone she "respected" could tell her anything that could change her in the telling; sounds like she needs real, concrete help. I don't think you are ever going to be able to have a good, adult relationship with her (in this lifetime).

I would downscale what you "want" to give/receive from her; knowing her drama, I'd try to drama proof myself so that it did not affect me as it has in the past, then she can be her "self" however. I would make sure you have boundaries (not high or smoking when with you, etc.) and just remember who you are and what you want rather than let her problems assault you. At the moment, Facebook is great :-) so just be pleasant but if she wants more than you want to give, tell her that; she can have all the excuses or ugliness she wants but not with you. She cannot assail your own feelings/boundaries which you have for your own reasons. There is no "right"/"wrong" about a relationship, just what we'd like/not like. You love your sister but doesn't sound like you necessarily like her. That's okay! You didn't choose her for your friend so you don't have to like her and want to be around her.