[startatts]

(first I will say this is not me saying im the worst off or I have had the wost past I know many people have had to endure much more than me... this is me saying I don't know where to begin when it comes to getting any sort of help at all)...I have a rough history and it has all just built up and added up over time. I tried to go to a therapist once and she was no help at all. I went to her two times for the death of my baby. She basically just told me that was terrible but get over it and move on. She was not qualified to handled someone like me at all. She was just a family counsulor appointed to me by the site miltaryonesource.com for free to help me through the loss. She just made me feel worse so on the second visit I quit going. My spouse didn't like going with me so I didn't feel any support there so I felt I was just saposed to get better at the snap of fingers. She passed as the result of serious malpractice and my husband was not here for the birth or death because he is in the military so we can not relate at all on our loss. I already had a unbalanced past so giving birth and watching my baby die in my arms brought it all out even worse. Bipolar disorder runs in my family quite commonly. Serveral people in my family abuse alcohol and drugs and have even tried to kill themselves. My own father jumped off an 8 foot tall building but survived. My ability to cope with things is not very good do to a tramatic past. I endured physical abuse and mental abuse from my own mother as a child who was a bad alcoholic. Her twin (my aunt) lost all of her children due to alcoholism and abuse as well. I had a lot of unthinkable things happen to me in my childhood. My father abused drugs and was in and out of jail. I went to live with my grandparents because my parents were unfit. My grandmother was very good to me and very sweet. They did not believe in therapy though because my grandfather thought therapists were pointless esp after my grandmother had been institutionalized in the past and it did nothing to help her in his own words. One of my uncles still lived with them. He was a grown man and sexually abused me for years. I told my grandmother about it and they confronted him about it but all the blame fell back on me. They looked at me and said " I hope your happy ". It was all my fault to them. He continued to live in the house and they just acted like they never saw it and like I never said anything about it. It didn't stop until I was a teen and he had a girlfriend. I then was in a mentally abusive relationship and I was convinced I needed this person. I was in this relationship for 6 years. Over the course of my life I have never been able to keep friends very well and I normally only have one good friend. I cannot connect with people. I can hardly hold a job and I almost always walk out and quit. I have very bad anxity. I sufferd from many eating disorders over the years. The worse when I was in my teens and had anorexia and went from a healthy 135 to 80 pounds. I have many unpredicable ups and downs. One day I don't want to get out of bed and the next day I feel like I could do anything. I can't focus on anything and I can't keep interests. I also have days where I don't feel like Im real and im not really in my body but I know its stupid and it passes. I have times where I can hardly look others in the eyes. I don't like suprises at all. Im thinking about trying to do something again to get help because my spouse feels helpless in all these ups and downs and wants to help me but he can't. He feels like its his fault im not okay and I keep telling him its just me. He tells me all the time he thinks I could get some help with it. I just wouldnt know where to start though. I have a wonderful spouse and Im very happy. He honestly kind of balances me for the most part. I am actually a lot better than I was in the past. I just don't want a horrible therapist again. I don't really want to be medicated I don't think I need that. I don't really know how to go about getting the right kind of help because there is no one specific issue. To try and keep myself feeling better I run and listen to a lot of music and I try to do artistic things when it holds my interest. Sorry for the long story. I also hope no one interprets this story as me whining about my past or anything because I don't mean it that way at all. Thank you very much for listening.

[gma45]

Hi Sorry you are having problems. Finding a therapist can be a challenge...At the top of this page in gray there is a spot that says.....FIND HELP click on that it may help you find someone in your area or just google Therapy and see what comes up. It's worth a try. In the mean time I find posting here has really helped me as I can not afford a therapist at this time, so keep posting!

[Wysteria]

Dear Startatts,

You've endured a lot in your life and your anxiety and eating disorders and such have been some of your ways of dealing with a lot of it. You are very blessed to have a loving husband that helps to balance you and that is caring and supportive enough to encourage you to get some help. There is help available both on and off base. I hope you will reach out for it. There is no shame in it and just because you're not sure exactly what you need help for, you have been through a lot, and I think some therapy would be really helpful in determining what you do need and how to reduce some of the depression and anxiety you are suffering. There is just no need to be that unhappy. You have resources, and it's time to reach out and use them especially while you are stable and on the base here in the states. You've been very, very brave. Let someone help you a bit and let life get a little easier on you...

Safe hugs and peace on your journey to healing...

Wysteria Blue