[Nemo39122]

I don't even know if disconnected is the right word for it, in the sense that to be disconnected implies that I must have felt connected to people at some point. I'm not sure I ever have. It's also more of a feeling of separation than disconnection. Two different worlds, theirs and mine. Or maybe just one world that fits them, but not me. I don't always realize it but nearly everything I do is motivated by thoughts like "this is what their world does," or "this is how you pretend to be like them." I don't know if that makes sense at all...I don't even think my examples are very accurate, because I can't even fully explain it.

Most of the time its not too extreme. There are occasional days where I barely even notice it. Then there are times where I question if I am even human. There has only been one time a couple years ago where I convinced myself I wasn't. Luckily that only lasted less than a day or so. Logically, I know I'm human. I have to be. But sometimes I don't feel like I am. There are times that, besides the biological fact that I AM human, I can convince myself that I have absolutely nothing in common with them.

That's probably the most extreme aspect of it. More often it just feels like I'm not even there. Just kind of blended into the background, invisible, totally separated from everything else. Almost as if there is some sort of barrier between me and everything around me. Things seem sort of distant, even dull or hazy sometimes. It's worse when I'm depressed, especially that part.

Depression just adds to the feeling distant part. But it's also worse when I'm stressed, especially depressed and stressed. I think that's one of the main triggers for it. The biggest one thought is when I start (unintentionally, kind of uncontrollably) thinking about or remembering certain past things....abuse things mainly. That's either a trigger all by itself, or it causes me to be stressed and depressed and eventually I just disconnect from everything.

This time I've finally figured out at least some of what triggers it. I just don't know what it is. Just by the nature of it I'll of course doubt anyone ever feels the same way or understands, even though logically I'm sure some people here probably understand, at least a little bit. It feels like its this really dark side that no one else could possibly undestand.

So yeah...anyone have the same problem, or even any idea wtf is going on? It seems impossible to really explain it, but this is as close as I can get...

[Christine08]

Hi Nemo

Thanks for sharring this with us. i honestly can relate to some of the things you said because i felt it too. I one day thought i was not human, that didn't last long and thank god. I feel like I'm different and there's no ashame of being different. I think somestimes when we are mentaly ill we can see the world in a different way and i think it's because of that we feel disconeted from the world, from the humans, because we feel and see things in a different way.
Don't you sometimes feel you wish you knew were you belong? Because you honestly don't think you belong in the human world.

One of the things that keep me "conected" was the writing. When i have that moments that no one knows and that kept me thinking diferently i write them and then read it many times and show to other people like me that they are not alone and that the world as a place for us.

You are in my thoughts, Nemo39122.