[SolutionIsProcess]

I'm not really sure how to start, because I'm not really sure where it all begins. But I know that something is wrong.

There is a darkness that seems to follow me. For many years, it seemed like I had shaken off the traumas of my childhood and then early adulthood, which were filled with abuse (physical, sexual, and psychological), loss, and suicide attempts. At some point, I made a decision to start doing what I wanted to do and finally felt some sense of control. I made a lot of music that was well received, dated a lot and had some wonderful relationships, and I went back to school to become a psychotherapist and was a very high-achieveing student.

Now, at almost 28, I am in graduate school. I gave everything I had away a year ago to come to a new city so I could be in the position I am in now. I worked extremely hard to get into the school I am in now, and now that I'm there, I am absolutely miserable.

I have no friends. Everyone I used to know I have become disconnected from. Some of them were by choice, because I changed my lifestyle drastically and had to let go of some people. And I lost some friends just by moving away or deleting my facebook (I did the latter because I was sick of the narcissism and sexism that was everywhere). I have a couple of roommates, but am not particularly close to either of them.

I find it extremely difficult to form relationships that move beyond the aquaintance stage. I am just not interested in the things people my age like to do (I like to just read, work out, do yoga, or listen to classical music). I gave up my player-ish ways a year ago, and my dating life has been near non-existant since. I have tried online dating, but it doesn't work for me anymore since I changed my lifestyle. I have no one close in my life, not even in family (they are all distant either physically and/or emotionally). And I find it incredibly difficult to trust anyone. Lately, I have been feeling like there must be something about me that makes so many people dislike me, but I don't know what that is. I thought that I changed for the better? I know I'm not perfect, but I think I'm really friendly, smart, and not bad on the eyes.

Although I LOVE my future career field, I absolutely do not like the experience I am having in this program I'm in. I have been having issues with some of the other students there, I am reading/working almost every waking hour of my days, and now I think there may be a problem at my internship site. I don't know why, but I just feel like there are a lot of people who just don't like me and want me to go away. My last job maliciously forced me out and I think that I am often reminded of that, and maybe that has something to do with it. When I get some reassurance or approval that I'm doing good, as well as direct feedback on what I need to improve, I feel more confident...especially when I feel the person feels warmly toward me (otherwise, it just confirms my suspicion that someone doesn't like me). So I feel like a lot of people (not everyone) has it in for me or something. Or that I am just not liked.

So I smoke pot and cigarettes at night to cope. It doesn't really help though. I usually stop smoking after a month or two when I realize this, but then I'll start up again in a couple of months when I get stressed. I have done a lot of therapy in my time and have been trying to get back into that, but it has been tough because my schedule/finances are really tied up. So, I feel like I have not only no one in my life, but not even a professional I can turn to. I am trying my best, but it's just not working. I don't want to go so deep with my faculty at school because I don't want them to think I'm nuts.

Everyday, I wake up and feel this emptiness. Some kind of darkness that follows me around. I believe I am a good person, but am extremely misunderstood. And because I don't really jive with the mainstream mandates of social interaction and interests, I feel marginalized in my need for human connection. The lonliness is chilling. I sometimes wonder if I'll make it out of my graduate program with my sanity in tact enough to actually be a therapist. Maybe I don't belong in the field. Maybe I just don't belong.

There is no pleasure in my life. No matter how much sleep I get, I feel more tired when I wake up than I did when I went to sleep. My appetite is good though and I still go to the gym to relieve some stress. I smoke about 1/4 to 1/2 pack of cigarettes per day and take a few hits of marijuana at night time. I don't drink though. I am broke because of school, have no one in my life, and feel like people don't like me.

I just don't know what the point is of pursuing my education when this is the experience I'm having. But I don't know what else to do. I guess that's why I'm posting here. I am not really sure what I'm looking for in responses. I just felt that I needed to go somewhere and say it. I am open to receiving any helpful reply you might have. I promise I am not always so negative. At my best, I am quite upbeat and funny. But it's really hard to feel any of that lately.

[madisgram]

so glad you posted. you expressed your feelings well. one thought that came to mind tho i'm not doc-it sounds like depression has manifested itself with all the changes in your life. depression with me totally distorts my perspective about everything. socially, outlook, wearyness, emptiness, lack of interest,etc. your self esteem is taking a beating too. your being abused as a child promotes your isolation. have you considered seeking professional help-may be available at school for free. you have become overwhelmed and would benefit perhaps doing this to sort out all that's going on. based on the career path you've chosen you may know this but acting on getting help may yield you good results.
i certainly hope we also can be supportive in your efforts too. i'm glad you're venting your feelings. it may not fix your challengess but i feel pc is a good start to get feedback that may be helpful. know we are here for you. you are of value and worth. you've just lost sight of that.