There’s no place where the urge to offer unsolicited advice pulls at you more than in group therapy. Laura is sitting there with tears welling up in her deep brown eyes, telling the group about how her beloved home is days away from going into foreclosure while her wealthy brother just bought his daughter another BMW (she wrecked the first one). The group starts shooting words of wisdom at Laura before she’s taken a much-needed breath.

The author tells us the fixers need to put away their fixes. Instead, the person needs to be validated and heard.

The truth is, it’s hard not to offer a piece of wisdom to someone who is suffering. One reason is that we like to draw on our own knowledge and experiences. It particularly makes us feel good when we recognize that we have lived through a similar situation and have the battle scars – and advice – to prove it.

We also struggle to sit with someone else’s pain. It can be excruciating to see someone we care about struggling with a problem. When a friend told me about her recent miscarriage, it took everything in me not to start asking questions, offering advice about what had been helpful to others I knew who had gone through this. But she knew about the support groups and the importance of journaling. What she needed in that moment was someone to hear her, to feel connected to her.

Instead, I said to her, “I’m not sure exactly how you are feeling – I could never know. But I am so incredibly sad as I hear you talk about this.” And that was all.

What I shared with my friend was my own emotional experience, and I allowed her to have hers. I didn’t pretend to know or even try to imagine how she was feeling – I probably couldn’t have if I tried. Instead I offered her a moment of authenticity (mine) and connection (ours). http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...end-is-in-need

My Mom taught me this lesson. She would say, "Please, I just need to talk." If she wanted something else from me, she would say so.

[ECHOES]

Thanks for this. My niece and I had an agreement that if we had the urge to offer advice, we would ask: Do you want advice, or do you just want me to listen?

[Open Eyes]

It can be hard for many to just listen and understand that someone needs to share their troubling issues. I find it hard sometimes to talk to my husband as he is a fixer and it is often hard for him to refrain from trying to take contol of the situation.

I often wondered why so many people tell me things that they don't tell others. And I think that they do know I will listen, and I will be concerned and I won't be harsh on them or order out resolve that they should do or should have seen. And I think that perhaps they know I am very forgiving and understanding and am nonjudgemental by nature. And I really do try to not judge a person and instead I really do want to support them and maybe find ways to give them permission to help themselves.

I wasn't sure about my therapist because he often struggles and seems to think he is somehow not doing his job if he doesn't control the session in some way. He sometimes askes me if he is even helping me. And I have told him that I don't necessarily get to talk to someone that truely understands what I have and I talk a lot because I am trying to allow him to see all the various things I deal with and how I look at them. I have explained to him that it is important for me to have a safe place where I can just say the truth and be believed and even someone to listen to how I try to resolve my issues. And for me thats important because I don't want to progress and castatrophize or design unhealthy ways to bury the situations that are presented to me that I honestly have trouble believing or understanding.

Most people are harder on themselves than others are hard on them, so it is important to understand that when we listen to others that struggle. It is important to have in the back of our minds as we listen to think about how we, ourselves can also be hard on ourselves and try to offer the other person ways to not be so hard on themselves. When we have problems or we struggle we have a tendency to feel like we have somehow failed. I know that I feel that way a lot, and the PTSD I have makes that worse. But no matter what issue or disorder someone may have they already somehow punish themselves for that enough. So when someone tries to talk out their issues, it is important not try to jump in and think it is a request for a fix all the time.

PC is a good place to learn a lot about how we are all very similar in many ways and for each of us to understand that when we have our own fears, we are only being human after all. If we do see something that the other member may not see or is trying to see, I don't see any reason why we cant point it out along with saying, yes, I understand I have been there too, here is what I have learned.

This is a good article to think about, but, it is important that we don't see this article as a suggestion to not reach out or learn to listen to others. Can we fix someones situation when they are forced with forclosure? No, not unless we have a secret bank account or we are some kind of secret santa. But one thing we can do is listen to that person express their fears and concerns and help them by letting them repeat it as much as they need so that they can believe it. However, it is also helpful to try to gently help that person find some kind of path towards what they can do next even though they are experiencing a loss and having trouble with that experience itself.

When we allow ourselves to do that with others, it helps us not by being some big problem solver, but by seeing someone else struggle and kind of doing a brain storming that can end up not only helping the other person, but helping ourselves problem solve as well. It can be very healthy to try to step outside ourselves and away from being self absorbed to relating and listening to others. Many times people do not learn how to not be self absorbed, or may not even be aware that they are self absorbed. But by participating in a group wether it be here at PC or an outside support group we can slowly learn how to step outside ourselves and, in that, learn to recognize our own struggles better and most important, not be so hard on ourselves. Support is not about fixing, it is about learning to listen and talk out problems with others and helping them hear themselves and their emotions out. Keep in the back of your mind (anyone who thinks about this)when someone vents or crys or struggles, we need to reach out and let them know they are "not alone".

Open Eyes

I'd like to see somebody try to "fix" me!!!--(you wouldn't---could get pretty ugly!)

Commendable idea for a thread; thank you. Always:

"Don't cross the street in the middle, in the middle, in the middle of the block.
Teach your eyes to look up, teach your ears to hear(Listen); walk up to the corner
where the coast is clear.
And wait, and wait...until you see the light turn green"

Jaywalking is illegal!!!!!

Develop the "Fine Art of Listening"------it's a keeper!!!

[Perna]

I have a similar bad habit of, when someone is complaining about a situation or someone else, I'll try to explain the other person's behavior (so the first person can see "both" sides). I've had to have my husband tell me, "We're on the same side!" to understand that if someone is feeling bad, it's okay, they're allowed to feel bad and see things the way they see them, it's not wrong to see only your own point of view! I want to support him and his feelings, not make sure he sees things the way I do.

[arcangel]

I think that may be the most helpful (to me) post I've ever read here.
But I'm still thinking. There is such a fine line to walk in those situations.

[Gus1234U]

i wish this information would get to the crisis and suicide lines, they are so often less help than they could be. and good advice to the rest of us who sit in the Support Chat room,,,,

Thanks, Byz

[gma45]

Thanks for this another good one! I don't need fixing I am not broke, just a tune-up thank you!

How interesting. No one got my analogy? One did... (((((gma45)))))-no way will I try to "fix" you! Great one!

"Jaywalking" is akin to walking on someones' feelings...to not listening to them at all. To offering them unsolicited advice, assuming one knows what another is feeling. In order to have that sort of Empathy (a word I've noted, that gets thrown around an awful lot lately round these parts) one must Listen to feel the tone of the persons' feelings. How would you know what I am feeling? Are you me? Gifted with magical powers, are you? wow.

That was a Publicly broadcasted (on TV all of my childhood) warning to all children (a sing song-to help remember) not to Jaywalk which played rather often; I actually remembered it. Did you think I was being glib?

Is developing the Fine Art of listening not acceptable?
What do any of us really want in a good friend? When we need help? What first and foremost? To ascertain what the problem is-Yes? The friend would have to listen-would they not??? Before anyone goes jaywalking through my woes, understanding them would be completely necessary.

I must be stupid. I want no friends who would not truly stop to take the time to listen to me.

How sad.

((((((((gma45--)))))))--ha-- I got your analogy! "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".?--well done!!
You got mine! Cool-- hey I Listened, and I got yours--a Great one!! Smiling big here.

To have good friends;

you must learn to be a good friend first. {don't recall author--well known quote}

"We are as forlorn as children lost in the woods.

When you stand in front of me and look at me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me and what do I know of yours.

And if I were to cast myself down before you and weep and tell you,

what more would you know about me than you know about Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful?

For that reason alone, we human beings ought
to stand before one another as reverently, as reflectively, as lovingly

as we would before the entrance to Hell."----------Kafka

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And, as gma45 has given us the wonderful analogy--love it!

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it"

(my analogy was worthless--I'll leave this...)

[Sanada]

Hey Byzantine.

Wow. Its a fcked up world we live in.

My own family (flesh and blood), the closest to me (or my history of abuse inside the family), they think that to 'starve and beg' is good for the soul.
IDIOTS

How to loose a brother forever (if I wanted that I would take a leaf from their books).
They are 'very very' self made (like my father), far to much $$$$£££££ for their own good, they look at me and say 'Oh - he'll be be better if we make him suffer.
I ask not for 'Plasma T.V's and stability (which they offer), I ask for 1 thing and they say "get it you're self" (a passport out of here).

They have lost me forever (in a kinda way). When I have my passport out of here, they will be forgotten. Big time the're loss.

(I have to now and again eat from a dumpster/skip, and they are 'mental loaded' with ££$$$.

Fck em.

[Elana05]

Someone said this type of thing to me after a meeting the other day:
"I'm so sorry to hear you're going through that, I can relate - I hope you feel better." Afterwards I thought, "Wow, that was so helpful." It was nice just to be listened to.

[ItsmeTC8888]

This is just what I need to hear. I hope to help my family and friends to understand this concept. I don't expect my family and friends to fix my problems I just need someone to listen sometimes. It seems lately that everytime I have a problem I end up arguing with someone because I am defending my feelings. I think that all I need sometime is someone to listen.