[Sanada]

Hello. This is something I would like to share even though I am lost inside this concept which has taken over my life.
I really don't know where to start to try to explain the studies I have been doing. I started on a journey and its leading to dark places, but I am still obsessed with the journey I am on, and trying to find the closest details of where my mind is going when faced with new information.

It is dangerous for myself to focus to much on the subjects I have done, but only by doing what I have been reading and watching, by learning the 'thesis' of another's observation am I finding clues to my own state of mind. I am finding it disturbing and scary (but I cannot stop thinking about this process / change my personality is going through).
I am being transformed by my own paradoxical view to what we would call 'the self'.
I have been taken by surprise by my own lack of seeing who I am. What I am. Where I am going. What I am supposed to be and do in life. I was never obsessed like this before.
The range of subjects and interests I have is very wide. In art I find the need to know and understand what it represents. Its the same with politics and history, theology, philosophy, psych, medical topics; anything that grabs my interest.

I know that I can never grasp and fully understand the topics in life because I am too obsessed with the details. I miss the 'whole' because I am looking to far in to the mechanics / details of whatever has my interest.
The closer I find my self inside a subject, the father away I am getting.

It is disturbing me because I was never like this. So my personality is being 'eroded' and 'feeding' at the same time.

I distinctly remember when my change happened. About 5 years ago. Now I no longer recognise myself. This change is good in some ways. I have woken up (or that is how it feels). But I am losing my self in my obsessions (my studies, even though I don't have a clear idea of what I am supposed to be studying).
I used to be so sure of my self, I was good at predicting my own behaviour. The levels I would allow my self to go to. Now it feels like the are no more levels, there is no end to the details I am trying to seek.
Stepping back is good to do, esp when I am very scared with what I see (dreams, real life events and stuff like that).
I try to see myself, or who I once was. I am not a bad person, but I am getting scared with revelations that are now so obvious. I guess one way to put it is like I am trying to see a bigger picture , while at the same time I am falling in to a whirlwind, lost in details.

I will end this thing (just thoughts) now. I just felt the need to type this out so I can look again later and maybe add to what I think maybe happening to me.
One thing I am sure of is I am going through a personality change (for the better or worse), both sides are clear to me now. I guess I am looking for control of how my mind is starting to see and pick up things I never saw before. Then processing properly the information. So I am not damaged by the details.

Sorry if this seems weird. I am trying. I may come across as simplistic. I will be looking at this more to find a reason to what I am going through.

Thank you if you read this and understand what I am trying to say.

[Perna]

I would get out of your head and thinking so much; you have created a closed loop that has become a noose. You are not talking to other, actual people, interacting and getting new information; your mind is just getting the information that supports what it wants to think. There's no exchange happening between you and others, no "food" getting in from the outside so you are wasting away in effect.

Do you have a therapist? I would get one, someone to talk to that can introduce other, outside thoughts into your mix so you can come out of your head as well as be in it. It's a balancing act; interacting with others or just with our selves and we need a good mix of both outer and inner (think fish in water, the water coming in over the gills and the gills extracting the oxygen) to balance well.

[Sanada]

I have a T Perma (shes not my lover though. My T is as clever as my 10 yr ex. It was about 4-5 yrs of splitting with my ex that this started.
I have (I noticed) in 5 yrs become I tell my friends 'the most remote, alone island on this planet'.
I feel like an asteroid in the 'ort' cloud. Meaning lost and alone.
But.......I used to (after being with my ex lover, 11 yrs-ish remember, I craved to have some isolation). She was clingey as hell....she possesed me. Claimed me, like I claimed her. This woman I am talking about was the cleverest woman I have ever met (and I am still waiting to meet a clever woman), she was soooooooo much, esp in the brain. She was top at university, she was loved by tutors, and guess what she did to me (after 10-11 yrs) she left with another man who her family hated.
She left me with nothing, she stole 70 thousand pounds.
I would not be rotting in damp UK winters if she had not done this (p.s. I also gave up my carrer 4 her).

So what else can I do. Become obssed with things that are not feed ing me...

I feel 'now' like this is because I do see many winters like this for long. This way of life will kill me eventualy.

To hell with her though, I will see her in hell.