[Plutonian]

I'm not entirely sure where to post at this point. I have a variety of issues to discuss. I don't know where to begin. I'll try to keep it short...

Currently, I feel frustrated, with what seems like everything at the moment. I feel like I'm stuck in one place right now, even though I know that's not true. I have worked diligently the past few years to put myself through college, and this is my last semester. I'm graduating after this. I can't believe I've gotten this far. I was getting ready to kill myself after I graduated from high school. I hadn't applied to any colleges my senior year because I imagined myself dead and buried once high school was over. I spent most of my senior year heavily intoxicated to numb myself. I lost twenty pounds in two weeks from drug use at the beginning of the school year. I just wanted to die.

After high school, I continued the trend of intoxication. I didn't want to face life, or death for that matter. It was ... unreal. About three months after graduation, the only things that were constant were crying, intoxication, and wanting to die. I decided to sit down and write a letter to my father. I was bawling my eyes out throughout the entire thing. He walked into my room as I was writing it. I couldn't face him, I just kept crying. That moment will forever haunt me. Handing him the letter, and him telling me I don't have to live this way. He took me out to a park so we could walk while he talked to me about life. He helped me find a therapist. It's been a little over four years since that day. And I'm about to graduate from college.

I feel... okay about this. I don't feel as great about it as I should. I don't know what to do after this. Continue school? Find a different job and try to find something enjoyable? I don't know. I need a sense of direction. I can't seem to decide on my life at this point. I'm starting to feel lost again. Nowhere near as lost as I was in high school, but the fact that I don't have a plan after graduation scares me. May isn't that far away, and I still don't have a plan. I'm afraid.

Side note: the song that started playing when I began this post is killing me right now with how much I can relate to the lyrics:
While I keep finding ways to push the good out for the bad
Oh, how selfish of myself
To always say that it was more than I could take
Like it was pain I couldn't shake
Like it could break me with its fingers
Throw my body in the lake and I would slowly sink away
But the truth is it was sorrow that I made and wouldn't face
See, I keep falling for the future after tripping on the past
And I am always tearing sutures out to make the anguish last
Like it defines me or reminds me
I've found comfort in my suffering
And uncertainty in happiness and death
Because what's next is such a mystery to me
And I am terrified of all the things I feel but cannot see
....
Though we are not sure who we are
We keep our heads up
Though we are not sure where we're from
We keep our hearts up
Though we are not sure when we'll leave
We keep our heads up
Though we are not sure where we'll go
We keep our hopes up
-The Last Lost Continent, La Dispute

I don't know where I wanted to take this post. I get distracted rather easily and lose my focus when writing >_<

[Perna]

Can you talk to your Dad? That helped you back when you were in high school, maybe he has some ideas now? If you can't/don't want to do that do you have a professor you like and could talk to about your future? Can you call your therapist and see them a few times to see if you can find a direction that makes sense to you?

[lynn P.]

Welcome to PC Plutonian - from your post it seems like you may suffer from an underlying emotional problem (like depression), since you were suicidal in high school. You're also self medicating with alcohol and drugs, which can also mess with your emotions. Another thing that's very common at this stage of your young life is - you're at a transition time. When young people are in high school, real life worries and decisions start to creep in. When the person doesn't have a clear vision of what they want to do in life, this causes a lot of anxiety and uncertainty. Basically you're scared and can't envision a direction, which is why you're so unhappy.

Its also very tough in the job market and can understand how intimidating all this is. If you do have an underlying depression, this can make everything seem like a mountain. Now that you're graduating you're probably worried about finding a job and what you're going to do with this mystery of life. Reach out to a school counselor, your dad or anyone who can guide you. I think you also need to tell your doctor about these nagging feelings. I hope it gets better and life will be an adventure worth looking forward to.

[Callmebj]

I agree with Lynn here. This is a BIG transition and the labor market is way off kilter.
I assume you specialized with some sort of major in your education and that certainly would be the place for you to look into. I can imagine your trepidation at this time, and it is scarey...called the rest of your life.

If you've accomplished all the things from your postings, I think you will get your sea-legs and go on to being very good at what you do. Best wishes, bj

[Plutonian]

I started making a list of things I could pursue after graduation, so I at least have a few things to choose from. I'm highly interested in plants, and my current major is horticulture. I saw my therapist last week and talked to her about my indecision so far, told her my options; she told me to look online, go to an employment office, etc. to find more information on the possible majors I've been thinking of as far as continuing education goes. She suggested starting with the salary and job forecast and going from there. I did look into that, and I've looked at various universities around the country, trying to find the best ones, looking at their curriculum for various disciplines within horticulture, weighing my options. I'm trying to make a plan, it's just what do I choose at this point? I would like to continue my education, but I think I might just take a break from school at this point and focus on finding a job, building up my finances again so I can actually afford to continue school.

[snowgoose]

Have you considered asking people who already work in your field(s) of interest to find out more about what the jobs are all about. Some schools and universities arrange 'job following or job shadowing' opportunities where a student will follow around, observe and maybe do a bit of work so that they get of sense of what they are in for. It is a great way to sort through your options. There is another program that has been gaining momentum and that is a 'take a studen to work day.'

I know some students who have actually pursued this to employers themselves and have managed to talk people into letting them job shadow for a day or two.

Maybe something like this could be an option for you.

Try not to sweat it too much. Count your blessings and trust you will find your way through the maze. You are not alone that is for sure. Its a wide open world out there with endless possibilities. Let yourself feel the excitment and anticipation that is on the otherside of the current unknowns.

Don't feel you need to make absolute, unalterable decisions right now. Maybe look at other criteria to decide where you might study or work. Programs won't change much but university life varies alot from university to university. Jobs won't change much but work environments do. Maybe size matters to you. Maybe access and proxcimity to housing and services matter to you. Looking outside the box might just help you find your path forward. Looking at more than the school or the job but at the life it will give you can be another useful way to guide your decision making.

I wish you well and whatever decision you make will be adventurous, fun and full of new possibilities. Meditate on the flip side of your worries and see if there isn't another view that can balance the worries you have.

[Plutonian]

Originally Posted by snowgoose

Have you considered asking people who already work in your field(s) of interest to find out more about what the jobs are all about. Some schools and universities arrange 'job following or job shadowing' opportunities where a student will follow around, observe and maybe do a bit of work so that they get of sense of what they are in for. It is a great way to sort through your options. There is another program that has been gaining momentum and that is a 'take a studen to work day.'

I was actually talking to my therapist about job shadowing. I need to look more into that I've been to several greenhouses in the area over the past year, talked with the managers and workers about the profession, toured their establishments, and I would like to look more into greenhouse work. I've already done quite a bit of greenhouse work at my college, a lot of the curriculum is hands on activities, so I have some knowledge of what the work is like. I went to class tonight in the college greenhouse, and it was so nice to step into a warm environment full of life after being outside in the cold, wintery air. Being in the greenhouse always clears my head, makes me feel better.

I've spent so much time lately thinking about what I could possibly do at this point, I was having a bad night last night :\