I first posted this in the Bipolar forum, because I know more members there, but then rethinking, maybe I should have posted it here, so I cross posted it, and I hope that is ok.


So I haven't really been myself lately. Things have been different, I have been different.

I'm not sure what my mood is. I'm not depressed, I'm not manic, and I certainly am not in normal mode, what else is there?

I find myself questioning everything lately, my relationships, the people I know. I feel like no one is showing all their cards, I'm very on guard. Looking for any discrepancies. I feel a disconnect with myself, everything I thought I knew, what am I? It's driving me crazy, driving my bf crazy. I'm being silent and then burst and silent again. I tried talking to myself about how to disconnect from things, trying to convince myself that that is the only true way to protect myself. When I look at other people in stores or wherever, all I can see is that they all have dark secrets, no one is pure. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

All I have worked towards for many years is to have a pure, wholesome life. I shut out the true nature of humans and replace it with my own fantasy of what I want people to be. Pure, loyal, honest, just goodness. I know it's not reality, and forcing myself to look at it leaves me feeling empty, hurt, and unsure. How am I supposed to live with this. It's breaking my very soul. Is the only way out to not have any human interaction? I can't do that.

I don't know the real point of this post, I suppose to see if others identify with this. Maybe some insight, or advise. I want to get past this stuff, but not by sacrificing my own compasses.

Sorry if this doesn't make a ton of sense, I thought I probably shouldn't post this at all, but it's been eating at me for weeks. I feel like I am loosing my world and being forced to live in one that I would rather not enter. Nothing specific has happened, it's just the knowing. I've given a mask to the world that I live in, but the mask is slipping.

I feel a bit of guilt not being able to accept the world how it is, but I know this is how I survive in the world.

[Callmebj]

Gee Anika, it would be great to live in a perfect world, and you know very well we do not. People can be as low as Jeffry Domer, or as beautiful as Mother Theresa.
As far as everyone having secrets...I imagine even you have things you would not
want to make public or broadcast. A perfect world is an illusion; just like seeing everyone as being evil would be.

You may have had feelings earlier in your life on the JUST WORLD SYNDROME; and now you are seeing it isn't real. Reach for the better you and do not worry so much about others. Don't concentrate on others, you are the ONLY one that can control you. Your control is just that big, and also that small...you can't do anything for others more than being a good example.

[sandworm]

That mask you put on the world 'slipped' long ago, you are just beginning to
become aware of the elephant on the sofa.
It was there all along, you just get terrified knowing it is there, disshoveling your
pillows and couch cozies.
Make friends with that elephant, you may find he /she is not as nasty a beast
as you thought.
Sort of like the big hairy monster in the movie "Labyrinth" he looks scary and
will twist suddenly and knock over some furniture, but he didn't mean to do that
much harm.
He is just a big clumsey oaf.
...
Sandee.

[Secretum]

Are you a Meyers-Brigg type INFP, by any chance? I am, and from what I have read we are notorious for our intense commitment to our values. I can definitely relate to feeling that the world should not be the way it is, and hence trying to "reject" that reality.

In the end, though, we have to make peace with the world the way it is. The truth is that people are indeed selfish, impure, dark creatures. But we also have are good moments and our positive traits. Yes, some people prey on the helpless, murder, lie, and steal. But other people give everything that they have to help the poor. They run marathons to raise money for cancer research, and anonymously pay for other people's meals.

Viewing life as a giant battle between good and evil is what has most helped me deal with the world's failure to conform to my idealism. Evil strikes and causes much pain, but sometimes the light still overcomes the darkness.

I think that you may enjoy this song:

We are all looking for angels, and sometimes, we find them (or find ourselves acting like one!) Anika, you are an angel to me. You're so pure and caring and supportive. Thanks, and I'm sorry that I cannot say the same for so many other people on this earth. But we must give them a chance to change.

[di meliora]

Hello, Anika. Panglossian and Pollyannaish are words I associate with your post.

You speak of survival. M. Scott Peck, M.D., defines transference as "the set of ways of perceiving and responding to the world which is developed in childhood and which is usually entirely appropriate to the childhood environment (indeed, often life-saving) but which is inappropriately transferred into the adult environment."

Peck further states:

Truth or reality is avoided when it is painful. We can revise our maps only when we have the discipline to overcome that pain. To have such discipline, we must be totally dedicated to truth. That is to say that we must always hold truth, as best we can determine it, to be more important, more vital to our self-interest, than our comfort. Conversely, we must always consider our personal discomfort relatively unimportant and, indeed, even welcome it in the service of the search for truth. Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs. http://ecourse.amberton.edu/grad/RGS6036E1/Foura.htm

Of course, not everyone agrees with Peck. In fact, he was quite controversial. My point, however, is that there well could be a toll to pay for viewing what goes on in the world as a form of fiction.

Change is difficult. Those who accept the challenge of changing must step out of their comfort zone; to risk feeling uncomfortable. The rewards of changing despite the difficulty can be great. Here is an article that discusses tools that may be useful should you choose to change: http://www.liveyourlifewell.org/go/l...life-well/ways

Thank you for your replies,

Callmebj, I didn't know what Just World was, I did look it up and read on it, this does not sound like anything I am familiar with, in my own life. But then, maybe there is something. So I'll keep digging.

I didn't transfer the whole thread here, so, I'll try to elaborate a bit. When I posted this I was feeling anxious, upset, and really confused.

I don't expect perfection, not from anyone. This post wasn't really about whatever everyone else is doing. People close to me, yes. Why? Because sometimes I see things that set off alarms in my head. Usually not so, usually I can cope. These alarms in a lot of ways are mostly hyped up. It's a protective skill that I have picked up to shield myself somewhere along the way. I do have a history of trauma and abuse. I do carry a dx of PTSD, could this be a byproduct? Whatever it is, I am looking for ways to fix me, not the world.

I don't believe people are evil, of course I have dark secrets, we all do. Maybe I fear myself more than others. Maybe I'm sharing one of my secrets right now. What I was trying to describe is this. Going throughout my days, pretending bad doesn't exist, not people, not bad people, just bad things. So of coarse, bad turns up sometimes, that cannot be unseen. It shatters into my world, And now I don't know what to do with it. You can see, this post is really more about me than about the rest of the world.

Maybe I am not ready to handle it? How bad is it to live in the world wearing blinders, even if they serve a purpose? Is my strategy of self protection more harmful to myself than what I am trying to protect myself from.

So I know about people wearing masks for the world, but I haven't seen people talking about masking the world. And that is where I am confused.

I mean I know no one might have the answers, and I hope I have made my post more clear. I'm not a great writer or very articulate. My head and ideas are very jumbled, trying to make it make sense on paper was hard.

Secretum, thanks dear friend. I don't know what I am concerning Myers/Briggs, something to check out. And thank you for the song.

Elan Vital,

We must have posted at the same time, but.... BINGO. That made was I was trying to say so much simpler. Yes, I am interested in changing. I don't know how hard or scary it will feel. I'm excited to read those links, and try to determine for myself how much change I am up for.

That also sounds painful.

Thank you for posting this. Much appreciated.