[recurs]

I listed myself as being here for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, simply because members are required to choose a primary classification/concern upon registering... but I only put that because it's the most broad of my concerns, and fits into most everything else I experience as far as mental health issues or disorders go.

Side note: I'm clearly brand new to this forum, so please excuse me if I've posted in the "wrong" board.

I came across the PsychCentral forums while searching (with low expectations) for some sort of worthwhile and free online therapy... as in a person/therapist, someone I could interact and converse with in real time, via the internet, since I have little motivation to venture outside for such often bureaucratic and too-complicated BS appointments or the like -- and even less time. Obviously the search proved pretty futile, the results fruitless and stupid, and then I realized I might as well just hit up a psych forum. So here I am, and so I've arrived here with the intention of sort of explaining as much I can about myself, in hopes of receiving some potentially helpful or insightful feedback... which is to say that this is going to be a long post, that's all I was getting at.

So my problem now lies in where to start. I can start by describing myself. I am definitely a "left-brained" individual. I'm much more technical as opposed to artistic; I can be creative, but not in the abstract or imaginative sense; more in pragmatic, resourceful, constructive ways. Accordingly, I am very goal-oriented/achievement-minded; in fact, I'm so much that way that I actually don't know how to have fun, at all, I don't think.

I am 19 years old (almost 20). I have never had fun. Or I often say that. I've never been to a party. I've never been wild. I've always been more on the quiet, reserved side. However: I can be talkative; I like to talk; I like to interact with people; I like getting to know people. A big problem I have is knowing what the hell to even say most of the time. I have a problem doing anything that's non-productive; it makes me anxious, or I don't see the point; again, I don't know how to relax, or have fun. I like playing (?) Sudoku to clear my head, for lack of inspiration to do anything else... Mindless activities fare well with me.

So by the age of 20 I've never had my due fun. I was sent away ("" -- to rehab, wilderness therapy programs, therapeutic boarding school, etc. -- residential treatment) a handful of times, for the majority of my high school years. This always comes as a surprise to people, because I don't seem the type at all. And I'm NOT the type: I'm not a troublemaker, but even in middle school I had this weird bad luck where I was pinned as one, and to this day I honestly don't know the reason why. Even my nutty mother will attest to that fact -- and I was only sent away all those times in [what would have been] high school because she found an empty coke baggy in my purse once when I was 15, which is when she broke the news to me that my dad wasn't just an alcoholic, but also had a cocaine problem back in the day I guess. He's a whole 'nother story, as is she... so I'll refrain from saying too much about them now. But what is directly relevant here is my mom's distinctive type of anxiety, which is type control-freak, and thus very much "overprotective" and "overbearing". She's also extremely fanatic about her obsessions, buys into scams easily when they suit her... so she got sucked into the "program route", and I consequently ended up as a "program child" (to some extent, although I don't submit that easily, i.e., without sufficient reason).

My mom is also a fan of drama, she thrives on problems. I don’t really want to bother explaining that exactly, but it is true, you probably just won’t understand how I mean. Ultimately all that resulted from all my “residential treatment” was that I missed out on high school and couldn’t graduate (started community college in what would have been my senior year, as opposed to staying back); I lost most all my friends, because after the first couple of times I go missing, they can’t afford to care anymore, and we grow apart (and they were all afraid of interacting with me on account of my crazy mom); whatever social skills I had were compromised through all the abnormal environments I was living in, the social situations and conditions therein; and I suffered legitimate trauma: for years after the last “program” I was at, I still had nightmares about them every single night. I became used to them, sure, but they bothered me, and they persisted still. They’re certainly less frequent now, but I still have them.

Now, I am virtually friendless, alone all the time, insane from the isolation; I try to reach out, but I’m also ridiculously busy, but I don’t know how I function at all. It makes me so irritable and frustrated, and I don’t know how to get any relief. I need human interaction, naturally, and in particular, I can’t stand being alone anyway. But then I don’t know what to do when I’m with people anymore, because I’m so not used to having friends anymore. I don’t know how to have fun myself, or with others. I’m at a complete loss. My appearance isn’t the problem -- that is, I’m supposedly “gorgeous”, I have a nice body; and I’m smart, and I’m “sweet”... I’ve always been told by people that I’m mature and more importantly make them feel particularly comfortable in my presence, that I’m “real”. Which is all great, really -- yet none of this helps my case. Also, being friendless in itself is a problem when trying to make new friends, as once that is realized by some new potential friend, it’s weird; it also means that said potential friend is inevitably like my only friend. I don’t want this to be the case, but technically it’s the awkward truth.

The only reason I ever started doing any drugs by the way (and I never was a heavy drug user, bear in mind) is because at 14 years old, I remember the precise breakdown I had: it was all mental, on a bus returning from a school field trip, I underwent this ultimate existential crisis, and from then on I was all confused and a little messed up. For a while I was trying to achieve Overman (Ubermensch) status... until eventually I concluded that to be a moot endeavor, but still was totally hopelessly lost in this “dissociative” state. A couple years ago I thought I had found the clinical psychological diagnosis for it: Depersonalization Disorder? or dissociative or something... but it’s all the same, and either way it’s still hopeless. I got prescribed Adderall about a year ago, because it helps with the dissociation thing in that it drives me to function even if for no reason. But Adderall, while God’s gift to man at first, your tolerance builds all too quickly, rendering it ineffective, as does your dependence, so soon enough you’re just stuck on it, can’t not take it, can’t function without it, but it doesn’t help, but you still get the extra bit of edginess and agitation coming off it each day, which happens much too quickly too by that point.

For now I’m going to just end this here... I don’t want to write a ******* novel... I don’t know what I even wrote or what for, but I guess it’s a start, towards something, I don’t know. But like I said I’m pressed for time. So in conclusion: What I need most, constructively, currently at this point in my life is to figure out 1) how to have fun and 2) how to have/make friends, which I assume would naturally follow from (1).

[kindachaotic]

recurs, welcome to PC! People are caring & fair, lots of info to benefit from on the different forums.
I struggle with the whole friend thing also, always been an introvert.

My suggestion to you is to check out the other forums, there is an anxiety one. Pick one that you can relate to & repost this intro. Also post on other forums that the issues are similar to yours. People will respond, so keep posting.

Best wishes.

[gma45]

Welcome to PC. Sometimes it is good just to get things out. There are a lot of good forums here with a great deal of information. I hope you enjoy your time here.