What do you think this is?

I'm not looking for a diagnoses at all. I know that none of you are professional and are not qualified to give a diagnoses. I just want opinions, suggestions, and possibly some advice.

I am a teenage girl. But I can tell you none of my problems are hormonal. I know it's normal to feel moody and down and have mood swings but not to the point where you constantly have suicidal thoughts.

I've been dealing with depression ever since an early age. And that was around 3rd grade. Back then, when it first started, I didn't realize what was going on. And it wasn't enough to make my life seem so hard. I would cry out of nowhere every once in a while, for no reason, and that was it.

But by the time I entered 5th grade, everything went downhill. I began to get so depressed that I began to think about suicide. Nothing could cheer me up. During lunch I didn't eat and chose to sit by myself all the time. It seemed that everyone hated me and they did. They would always make fun of me and push me away. Whenever I mentioned something to my parents, they just laughed at me. The school counselor noticed what was going on and snatched me up. But she didn't help. She tried to drag some of my so called friends in for a counseling session. After the first two visits, we had no more. She had given up on me and made them hate me even more.

In 6th grade, this stopped all together. But my personality completely flopped. Before everything began to hit me, I was very outgoing. I became shy and disconnected. Until I met a new friend. He helped me branch out a bit. But then I started to become depressed again. I didn't show it but when he was out of school, I began to sit by myself again. I began to get so anxious that I was literally ripping the hair from my scalp and everything started to go downhill again.

It stopped for a bit in 7th grade again. Then, I started to become extremely ambitious. I started to become extremely creative. I began to take my hobby of drawing and I became extremely serious about it. But while I was so focused on my art, some of my grades began to drop. Then, I started to become a extremely restricted in my best subject, Language Arts. My teacher said I was a perfectionist but I was also "not capable." At the time, I was sure I was pretty capable. I had high school Junior reading level! My district grades these portfolios at the end of the year. They include different writing pieces from different subjects and genres. (Like fiction... poetry... Personal Narratives.) We went through the whole writing process (Rough Draft... Rewriting... revising... That good stuff. ) The teacher had set things that we had to write about. Constricted our brainstorming to stupid worksheets. She never let us take them home and wanted me to write in a classroom full of loud, obnoxious, hooligans. And I had so many ideas and so much to put down that was being taken away from me. I began to get to the point where I would break down crying in class.

After that... I completely crashed. This was the worst time. The suicidal thoughts were out of control and I was out of control. I got angry and I was sad all the time. The littlest thing would set me off and then, boom, I would launch something across the room. I would have panic attacks. And once, I got so depressed and nervous that I exploded into a fit of rage and laughter. I couldn't stop laughing for almost a whole hour. I was crying, rolled into a ball, slobbering all over myself and I couldn't control it. After that, my mom signed me up for therapy. It didn't help at all. I was too distrusting of the therapist to talk to her. She scared me in a way. And how was I supposed to tell a complete stranger all my life's problems. My mom ended up trying to talk for me, pouring everything out but I got so mad because half the stuff she sad was wrong. She said it started in 5th grade because a little girl bullied me. My therapy sessions ended up being consisted of me, drawing out my emotions but I still didn't talk. Then the therapist tried to say I had asbergers all based on the fact that I didn't talk and have weird, obsessive interests, and also that I use a good sized range of vocabulary. She referred me to a doctor, that said I didn't have it but he also didn't know what the heck was wrong with me. He didn't give me a diagnoses but prescribed me random mood stabilizers.

These made my anger and fits worse, so they snatched me off. My doctor said it was hormones and that birth control might help. My mom never took me back and swore that once I turned 13, she would get me on it. That never happened...

Then it stopped again that summer. I went back to my normal self. But this time, more creative, more ambitious than ever. I began to plan for college, said I was going to do so many things. Everything that was important to me became my life. My drawing improved at a skyrocketing rate. All my motivation went into the future. I began to get access to more knowledge than I ever had before. And I was craving more and more. It went on like that for an extremely long time. I was so happy.

I'm in highschool now. And I began to ride a rollercoaster. I began to get more ambitious and more creative. Planning so many things out that I can't keep track of them, I forget about them, or become frustrated because no one takes me seriously or understands what I want to do. I began to get irritated. And then, I started to feel so happy that I was downright depressed. So happy that it was overwhelming. So happy that it wasn't happy at all. It hurt my head. I was so creative and couldn't get anything out. My drawing is uninteresting to me now because I can't do it. I also have a lot of constant sexual urges. I see or hear one thing, and bam, I go off. I've never acted on them with anyone else. But with myself... that's another story. When I reached my peak, I couldn't handle it... so I tried to overdose.

Now I constantly am going back and forth again. I feel out of control and like I'm short circuiting.

Recently, when I am on any of my highs, I have been seeing things. But that's only begun recently and it's only every once in a while
I've heard little voices inside my head every now and then.
Once I woke up to see shadows all around me. One had a death scythe and was cutting off everyone's heads. It tried to get me.
A dark hand tried to grab me
Today, I saw an old woman crouching in the grass, tending to my grandmother's empty flower beds. I blinked and she was gone.

I also think about and picture disturbing images.

Once I closed my eyes, I saw a finger pop open someones chest. Blood spurted everywhere and the skin turned purple. I picture myself hanging from bridges. And other things...

Well, as you said I cannot give you a diagnosis... But I would say that it sounds like you need professional help. Is going to a psychiatrist an option? Can you talk to your mom or anyone else about it? I hope you will look into getting some help as it sounds like you are having some kind of mental health issue. Good luck to you and keep posting here!

I would talk with my folks and/or the school counselor as a first step and then go from there. Let them know what is going on as they are in the best position to help. It might even be beneficial to copy/print out what you have shared here if comfortable sharing it with them as well to help explain things. Hoping there is some help around the corner if only for the asking. Hang in there.

I think you should try to find a counselor you are comfortable with - a psychologist - so that you have someone to talk to who can help you figure out what's going on. Try not to be afraid to talk to someone - I know it feels weird, but they aren't there to judge you. If you don't feel comfortable with one therapist, try another. I have a 15 year old daughter who has some of the same problems you have and we have not been able to find any kind of medication that seems to help. But she has regular counseling sessions (once a week after school) and they do seem to help. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I know my daughter suffers, and I wish I could help her more.

School counselors never helped me.
My parents don't take it seriously. Like I said, they've laughed before.
It just seems impossible to try to get help anymore...

Well, two things come to my mind. You should have your thyroid checked because if it is not functioning right that could cause a lot of psychological problems.

After you get that out of the way, and I think it is time for a physical as well just to make sure you are not addressing a health issue of somekind. Then you should make a copy of this post of yours and insist on seeing a psychiatrist/neurologist as the combination of training may be able to give you a better diagnosis.

That is my opinion.

Open Eyes