I spent years...[from 16 to 37 or so] spending Saturday nights like many unconcerned, somewhat irresponsible, happy go lucky folks. Partying my butt off. When I lost my mind sorta, [breakdown and diagnosis] I lost interest in socializing. I stopped drinking. I became depressed, lost any self esteem I had and began to withdraw...from everything i knew really.

I never could see any point in drinking alone. Or at home. I spent thousands over the years, beating around bars and pubs...mostly blue-collar spots with just reg'lar folks and friends, who like me, enjoyed getting smashed and laughing our asses off after a long work week. We'd mostly gather at someones house to have a quick fuel-up and hit the pubs til closing...a common practice. The pub was the goal of the night.

Conversation and laughter was the attraction. Simple and foolish....immensely fun. Ultimately a waste in many ways, both in money and time but I never got in any trouble [maybe a wee bit lucky there sometimes but overall I'm pretty law abiding ] and retain many fun memories. This past lifestyle, right now represents for me the happiest times of my life. Drunken revelry...I was not a grouchy drinker and neither were my friends. I may have used the drinking to help socializing tho...There were things on the periphery of my mind back then that bothered me but not to the point of being problematic. Perhaps they were always there waiting. Evidently they were.

I don't go out to places like this at all now...not for a dozen years or so. My friends and aquaintances have withered and dropped from view. Sometimes someone I knew, not even particularly friends with, will greet me with smiles like it was the old days. I caroused in a pretty big circle of hardcore bar denizens. When i see anybody from the past i want to get the hell away. It just reminds me even more of where i am now.

I mean if I was wasting my time and life then to some degree then it's seriously ****in' ****ed now. These thoughts slap the depression down on me even harder and I can go days without venturing outside again. Or making my jaunts quick and as painless as possible. I'm a damned rabbit when i'm feeling like that and that's not being kind to rabbits. There's nothing that feels like that. Well....only humankind I suppose. Hah! The flesh might be strong but the mind can be weak...

It's Saturday night. I know the routine...seen hundreds of 'em. I don't wish I was still doing the weekend party scene. I'm an older man now and its time is done anyway...unless one was an alcoholic. I was lucky in that respect. I had no vice that led me. I was a habitual Friday and Saturday weekend 'pound 'em back and chuckle' monster. That was my extent. I just stopped going to bars...no bars, no socializing, no fun...no drinking. My only vice since has been cigarettes. BTW i'm wearing a nico-patch tonight...first one in a new attempt to quit. It's ok...in a few days I may be trying to light up carrot sticks or pencils but I haven't had a smoke since lunch. Very ok.

Anyway it's Sat. night. For the past few hundred Saturdays I've been alone. Probably over 90% of them. I wonder if I'm used to it now. I wonder if a change is possible...I craved social interaction as much as I feared it. But I think the craving may be waning. The fear isn't. It's as strong as it ever was and perhaps stronger. Likely because of the realization that life ticks by without me. Without any indication that maybe I'll have the chance to jump back into it.

To regain the abilities to enjoy a circle of friends without having the fears and self damnations that I've developed consume me. That's all I want now. That's enough too. I am more than my fears but will I ever see that? I'll say maybe for now. I can still say maybe.

I have no idea what I'm writing this for. I'm not particularly depressed. I do wish this **** didn't exist but I think that every day of the week. Saturday means nothing anymore. I want to go back to it meaning something again. I need companions/activities/relationships...in a different way then the past obviously. I'll probably never want to carry on like my youth so to speak. I recognize that now as a coping strategy. A fun one until it just couldn't do it's job anymore. Again this isn't a well constructed bunch of info overall...it's just some ruminating on some things. It being the night in question and all...not so much a rant as a ramble. I have time still to get out of my miasma. Even having to wait a few more years is acceptable really. There had better be some change in my Saturdays[all days...kinda being metaphorical there] by then though. It'll be some sad years coming on after that if things don't get changing. I ain't no pup y'know? 51 years in August. Hard time to start a life again. I've got some time though...not going to close the book on this quite yet.

geezuz...forgive me y'all but i'm posting this whateveritis. Vent? Ok...it's a vent. A not quite linear slightly daft rambling vent. I guess I need to know I spoke my mind a bit.

[roads]

I hear you. It's another Saturday night ... yeah, for sure.
The TV show I so look forward to watching (alone,
not counting cat-lady-in-the-making-me's 2 cats)
isn't even on, a back2back Brit-com on PBS, because
they're doing Pledge Week again

shouldn't be seizing yourshould I?
sorry ...

I deal with relationship issues too, quizzickle. I'm trying to figure out why I don't have the friends I yearn for--and I'm working on it. Fearfully, slowly, with my T's help sometimes, and always with old habits telling me either not to bother it's not worth it or run now before I'm rejected.

But I've just got to do this. It matters. It's just the hardest d@Mn work I've ever done.

Roadie

thanks roadie for hearing and I remember we spoke when I first signed up here. We share some things with these thoughts. It does matter doesn't it. I'm not so tired yet to quit but I fear the encroachment of time.

Are those your cats? I have a little tabby buddy like the one in the background. Closest living thing to me she is. Dramatically mushy sounding but there it is. *grin*

Just letting you know somebody read it. Hope it did you good

Hey George...good morning! it drained me pretty much...I had to think! Maybe written reflection is better. It was a rare burst of focus [dubious] concerning my own stuff. Thanks for making it thru all that!