people pleaser?

Are you a people pleaser?

What do you interpret that to mean?

Do you think that is a "bad" thing? Or is it somewhere in the grey area?

Without a doubt. I seem to place myself on the bottom rung of the ladder - trying to please others before I myself.

I don't think this is a bad thing. I don't know how much of it is good either.

Hmmm - I will have to go and think about this some more .....

People Pleasers....

Beinig a "people pleaser" myself this is what I think about it.... . I am constantly worried that I am offending someone or hurting their feelings if I assert myself or say "no" to something.

Dubz

here here!!!

For the most part, I don't believe I'm a people pleaser... except with Jerry. Even then, I'm not sure because I do have my boundaries... although I have NEVER given into anyone like I have him. But that's over for the most part.

There's nothing wrong with having reasonable boundaries for yourself. The old school, of which I'm from, says you give even if you don't have anything left to give. No way! Now me!

There's a saying that I try to live by most of the time. "This above all; to thine own self be true." Shakespeare. IMO, you have to know yourself well in order to be true to yourself. You need to know where YOUR boundaries lie, what YOU think is right and what is wrong, and do you care for yourself like you care those you give to. There is also another saying "Do not cast your pears before swine." To me that means don't keep giving to those that don't appreciate it or those that use you. Sky calls those people "looters" I do believe. (Sky correct me if I'm wrong.) It's those people that take and take and never give anything in return... and you can tell they can but won't by their attitude.

In the final analysis, NO, I'm not a people pleaser. People can like me for who I am, just the way I am, or they can truck it on down the road! But I have to be true to myself first! I'm the one I sleep with and I'm the one that I'm alone with. I AM NOT responsible for how people react or feel towards me. Their feelings are their own responsibility... as long as I don't go out of my way to hurt them.

{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You've done it again!

I love you!

Good question Fuzzy.

I think I tend to be a people pleaser on several levels. Although, I dont think I am as bad as I used to be. Setting boundaries has helped with that.

I dont think that being a people pleaser is a bad thing unless you compromise yourself to make others happy.

Yeah! What Sept. said!

"Like it or lump it" is my philosophy. I know my boundaries, I have my standards, and I stick to both, and if you don't like them, that would be YOUR problem, not mine, and you're as welcome to choose not to interact with me as I am to ignore you .

BTW -- I am a "reformed" people pleaser!

Candy

Hi Fellow Bear :-)

Yes, I think I fall in the "people pleaser" category. I think most people define it as someone who tends behave in a way that other people like, and does things for other people....sometimes at their own expense. I think that is the common impression of the term.

However, I look at it as one of those things that has its plusses and minusses. I think in the past, I did behave in a way that was too focused on pleasing others. That was a negative thing. I did it so much that I would ignore my own health, my own needs, anything - just to make sure the wants and desires of other folks were being met. I thought I could "make" other people happy in a consistent way, but the truth is that other people are responsible for their own wellbeing. So it took me some adjustment to step back a bit, and learn to take better care of myself, and let people take better care of their own selves. I can care about them and stand by them in their journeys, but each person is responsible for themself. It took me awhile to learn that.

The flip side of this is that I do enjoy caring about other people, and when I do it in a healthy way, I can enjoy it and others can, too. Since I have sort of been oriented this "people pleasing" way my whole life, I've gotten good at it...I have learned to pick up on what people do and don't like. Some people don't have a gift of knowing how to care about other people. This seems like the plus side of being a "people pleaser" as long as I do it in a healthy way. So that's a task I have in my life, trying to make sure I'm caring about other people in healthy ways, and caring about myself in healthy ways too. I keep working on it and I think I'm making progress.

I hope that all made sense.

Thinking of you, FuzzyBear

Take care,
ErinBear

I dont think of myself as a people pleaser, but as one who does not deal well with conflict and confrontation..so I overly compensate to try and not make people angry, or upset, mad, you get the point..and it is very tiring at times..

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Evangelista said:
I dont think of myself as a people pleaser, but as one who does not deal well with conflict and confrontation..so I overly compensate to try and not make people angry, or upset, mad, you get the point..and it is very tiring at times..

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Ditto.

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Rebound said:
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Evangelista said:
I dont think of myself as a people pleaser, but as one who does not deal well with conflict and confrontation..so I overly compensate to try and not make people angry, or upset, mad, you get the point..and it is very tiring at times..

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Ditto.

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Double ditto.

Would this be "avoidance"?

The man that just moved out of my house, who used to be my husband, would avoid all confrontation at any costs. He would give wide berth to anything he perceived as a problem or a possible confrontation. He was asked to leave because suddenly his only reaction to anything that didn't completely please HIM ellicited <font color="red">rage.</font> My biggest problem with that is that it was always aimed at only me and no one else.

Looking back and reading this thread, it's plain to see where his frustration and rage came from; the inability to be ASSERTIVE for so many years.

No, he never was a "people pleaser." Just didn't know that he could have simply said "No, not now. Can we talk about this (now or later)?" He also has a great many passive/agressive behaviors.

Maybe you need to think more about setting some boundaries and learning to be assertive. I may be way off base, but it's a possibility.

Hi Tomi,

Ah, 'rage' the great unmentionable and the root of so much serious crime.

I agree completely with your analysis of people pleasing and I'm so sorry that you had to learn about the subject in such a hard way.

So many people bring their anger home with them, and I have known it with women as well as men I'm sad to say. I do think it is rare in women, but I'm no expert. Maybe it comes out differently.

If we can assert ourselves, even a little, the feelgood factor kicks in, but if we fail to assert ourselves over a long period of time, the feelbad factor can destroy us and hurt everyone around us.

A heavy subject, but important.

Good thoughts, M

Myzen, I think women have many other emotional outlets that men don't feel free to use or it isn't in their makeup. I agree with you that it's more rare in women.

I'm a firm believer in "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Too bad for ME that this understanding came at such a late date in that relationship but I STILL wouldn't trade the relationship for ANYTHING!

I Looking back and reading this thread, it's plain to see where his frustration and rage came from; the inability to be ASSERTIVE for so many years)

I don’t understand where you are basing your logic from, speaking personally, I avoid conflict confrontation, not due to my anger issues, but due to the fact that when others loose there temper they tend to project it, inappropriately so, with my experience this has been very extreme…its hard to be assertive of your rights with someone’s hands are around your neck throwing you against the wall, it is very difficult to take a stand when someone is trying to beat the hell out of you while destroying the environment around you, I think you get my drift here...when it comes to Rage, is not an indirect action of assertiveness, to my knowledge...maybe it can be for others as you describe your spouse, what takes over in my case is the instinct for self preservation, and learned behavior of knowing what saying “NO” will lead to, .is this what you are inferring when you stated the Lack of Assertiveness is what leads to Rage issues, guess we have a difference of opinion on that issue, at least with my own experiences..just would rather give people who have issues with anger and Rage a very wide berth..and allow them the opportunity to self implode off of my radar, if that is Avoidance..well then so be it..but I just can’t handle someone in my face anymore going ballistic over what I cooked for dinner, and you can’t reason with a person during a Rage attack..as I am assuming you know...just practicing a little assetivness here..which by the way this site has been an excellent learning tool for me, it offers me a chance to express a little bit at a time, and is helping..so again thanks..and sorry if I misunderstood your statement

I was speaking STRICTLY of HIM and my 30 yr life with him. Dynamics change with each person. I NEVER had my hands around his neck physically or emotionally. I always loved the man and ALWAYS wanted the best for him, but never pushed him.

There is most definetely a huge difference between ASSERTIVENESS and AGRESSION. I don't know what your family dynamics are and I certainly wasn't telling you what to do or not do. I simply stated that JERRY, from his lack of assertiveness, eventually built up rage and aggression... maybe because of his lack of boundaries??

Again, I'm not saying THIS dynamic plays out in your situation!

Hi Evangelista,

You make a very good point and this is a complex subject.

Rage is a terrible thing; my feeling is that there is desperation in it, but that is no comfort to a person who is faced with it, no comfort at all.

I believe that rage is a different thing from cold cruelty, but they are both very bad things. What we are looking for is kindness and compassion, that's what we all look for.

M.

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I believe that rage is a different thing from cold cruelty,

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Exactly!! Thank you, Myzen!

Thank you both for the clarification and insight. I am sorry for what you are going thru, compassion does go along way when dealing with others, and again did not mean to step on toes, but for some reason the connection of lack of assertiveness and rage did not resonate well within my dynamics, probably due to the abuse issues, but thank you for your patience and understanding.

Ditto for me too, I never feel like I have an opinion, I just go with the flow in order not to make waves. I get heck about it all the time from my family and them telling me I need to stand up for myself.