[helterskelter247]

Hi, I'm new here and wanted to share what I'm going through.

I'm a man in my mid 30s and I am married and have a 2 year old boy. I struggle a lot with many issues but the one that is most troubling to me is my inability to make a decision.

The main issue at stake is my family situation. My wife wants another child and she is aggressive and she believes (because it's been true) that while she hates it she has to push me through life. She's accepted it although I have not and resent it very much.

What I mean by it is that I was always delaying to get engaged, married, have a first child, buy a house etc. The truth is that I didn't want any of it with her but wasn't strong enough to admit it completely and go through with it. We fought a lot and always felt like something was 'missing' although she didn't.

On my wedding day I couldn't breathe, couple months earlier dreamt about leaving the altar and being strangled by her father and uncle, didn't crack a smile and gritted my teeth through the whole thing.

Since then I couldn't perform when she wanted to have a child (although I am very sexual person) and have found every excuse not to move forward but also not to leave. I find it almost impossible to do anything nice for her even though she deserves it. [side note: yes, I had a very contentious relationship with my mother and she passed away before we were engaged and didn't like my wife]

I feel pathetic writing this but now I have an amazing child with her, she is actually a very good wife and I am so very unhappy. After a major battle where I did not stand my ground again this past weekend (on her threat to leave and not come back) I committed to trying for another child. The last time this happened she got pregnant within two weeks and I was a mess for over a year. When I committed she was able to convince me (and myself too I guess) and so I felt OK with it at the time. Now I am extremely nervous and I saw my most recent affair yesterday which made me crazy because I have so much desire for her and I am losing her. It's hard to know what it real and what is fantasy driven.

The trap I fall in is that I am so unhappy with her so I fantasize about other women all the time and I know it's fantasy. I am always unhappy and never sure if I am just unhappy with everything (nothing is ever good enough) on the external because I am unhappy deep within or am I just unhappy with her regardless of the internal crap?

I have had a couple of affairs and she does not know. One recently where it was so intense it was amazing. I know it's fantasy but I get trapped again when it feels so good I think about leaving. I told myself and the other that I would never leave to go straight to another person (she is also married) and that we would both have to have left on our devices if we were to end up with each other so I never leave.

In reality, I am not attracted to my wife at all. In fact, I am repulsed by her most of the time, afraid of her in a way because she is aggressive and I am so hurt inside. At the same time, I don't want to leave if the issue is me and it's something I can deal with without leaving.

I know no one can answer for me. I have been seeing a therapist for years (she is away of course for a couple of months now, Murphy's law I guess) and it doesn't seem to help me get closer to knowing what I want and going for it.

I guess I'm looking for any advice from people who can relate with what helped them in terms of techniques, type of therapy, things to consider, thought processes, etc.

I've become a very selfish person since my mother passed away and my wife and I got engaged and I don't like what I see.

thank you for reading

[here today]

Hi Helter,

Sorry you’re having such a difficult time.

I imagine you’ve talked about this with your therapist, but I wonder what your relationship with your mother was like. Was she aggressive, too, or maybe the opposite?

Originally Posted by helterskelter247

Hi, I'm new here and wanted to share what I'm going through.

I'm a man in my mid 30s and I am married and have a 2 year old boy. I struggle a lot with many issues but the one that is most troubling to me is my inability to make a decision.

The main issue at stake is my family situation. My wife wants another child and she is aggressive and she believes (because it's been true) that while she hates it she has to push me through life. She's accepted it although I have not and resent it very much.

What I mean by it is that I was always delaying to get engaged, married, have a first child, buy a house etc. The truth is that I didn't want any of it with her but wasn't strong enough to admit it completely and go through with it. We fought a lot and always felt like something was 'missing' although she didn't.

On my wedding day I couldn't breathe, couple months earlier dreamt about leaving the altar and being strangled by her father and uncle, didn't crack a smile and gritted my teeth through the whole thing.

Since then I couldn't perform when she wanted to have a child (although I am very sexual person) and have found every excuse not to move forward but also not to leave. I find it almost impossible to do anything nice for her even though she deserves it. [side note: yes, I had a very contentious relationship with my mother and she passed away before we were engaged and didn't like my wife]

I feel pathetic writing this but now I have an amazing child with her, she is actually a very good wife and I am so very unhappy. After a major battle where I did not stand my ground again this past weekend (on her threat to leave and not come back) I committed to trying for another child. The last time this happened she got pregnant within two weeks and I was a mess for over a year. When I committed she was able to convince me (and myself too I guess) and so I felt OK with it at the time. Now I am extremely nervous and I saw my most recent affair yesterday which made me crazy because I have so much desire for her and I am losing her. It's hard to know what it real and what is fantasy driven.

The trap I fall in is that I am so unhappy with her so I fantasize about other women all the time and I know it's fantasy. I am always unhappy and never sure if I am just unhappy with everything (nothing is ever good enough) on the external because I am unhappy deep within or am I just unhappy with her regardless of the internal crap?

I have had a couple of affairs and she does not know. One recently where it was so intense it was amazing. I know it's fantasy but I get trapped again when it feels so good I think about leaving. I told myself and the other that I would never leave to go straight to another person (she is also married) and that we would both have to have left on our devices if we were to end up with each other so I never leave.

In reality, I am not attracted to my wife at all. In fact, I am repulsed by her most of the time, afraid of her in a way because she is aggressive and I am so hurt inside. At the same time, I don't want to leave if the issue is me and it's something I can deal with without leaving.

I know no one can answer for me. I have been seeing a therapist for years (she is away of course for a couple of months now, Murphy's law I guess) and it doesn't seem to help me get closer to knowing what I want and going for it.

I guess I'm looking for any advice from people who can relate with what helped them in terms of techniques, type of therapy, things to consider, thought processes, etc.

I've become a very selfish person since my mother passed away and my wife and I got engaged and I don't like what I see.

thank you for reading

Hi HelterSkelter... I am sorry you are having such a hard time. You have said a few things that reminded me a little of me. Being pushed along in life, needing direction, hard to make decisions. Over-Whelmed a lot at times, maybe? Not standing your ground, feeling like you are selfish.

I'm NOT a professional, but 3 years ago I was diagnosed with ADD at age 43. So many things that I thought were just my weird way of thinking. Do a little reading and/or take an ADD quiz. Has your T made any suggestions? ADD or not, you are not alone and there are many people on this site who might help.

Hang in there

[Big Mama]

Helterskelter wasn't that a name of an 80's early 90's heavy metal band. Well my friend you and I are in for a long a painful ride. I am so much like you it is not funny. I have ADD by the way. I can not make a single decision for myself. I am unmotivated, I am not concerned about life. What happens, happens when it happens and it'll all work out and if it don't work out then it wasn't mint to be and I'll adjust accordingly.

I am stuck in an unhealthy, unloving, unhappy relation ship and have been for many years. I have the IS IT ME, DID I SCREW UP, CAN I DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, AM I THAT UNLOVEABLE. These thoughts run threw my head so so much. My H intimidates me, I 'd prefur never to have sex w/ him. Everything thing I look at, everything thing I do I catch myself saying (to myself) I can't stand him or I hate him. I know this is no way to live. I don't change it though. Why do I stay? I don't know. Anyone in there right mind would say LEAVE, RUN DON'T WALK, but not me. I question everything. If you find out the answer to this one please let me know.

From a woman to a man if you have been unfaithful you are in trouble. Now your wife has leverage. You are so much easier manipulated by her after that. Does she know. Therepy is a good option. I'm going threw that right now. But it only helps sort things out for you. Which is helpful don't get me wrong, but it is not a guarantee.

I did personal T for my self to figure out and try to fix anything that might be my fault. There are some things. I have gotten over most of that. I didn't want to walk away knowing there were things that I could have done to make it better. For the most part I think I have done all I can do. But the doubter in me says there's still more and there is. Be prepared in marriage T to discuss affairs if you have not already done so. That may prove to be a deal breaker. I don't know what kind of relationship you guys have. Some folks survive affairs. It's not unheard of.

Anyway best of luck to you. Know you are not alone you have all of us here at PC to listen and help you threw this.