[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

You know how sometimes you get so deep inside your head it's like you're living only in your head? I get that way when I'm really low. Noticing every little thing about my mind and body but nothing that surrounds me. That's when I get into the philosophical thinking. It's a love hate relationship I have with this phase in my life.

I love the ideas I have, the way the universe and mind start to fit together and begin to make sense. But this is when I start to become psychotic. When I start to get deeply depressed and anxious. When all of my negative feelings are burning inside.

And then I get to a point in my thinking, if I move forward just one more inch I'm done for. That my mind will snap and I will never have the "sane" moments again. I will be forever psychotic and in basically another world in my mind. Stuck in the world of the mentally insane.

I have been avoiding philosophical thinking, have been doing my best to stay in the here and now. Are my fears of it becomming unfixable real? Does this happen to people? Do they get so wrapped up mentally that they just snap and can never be put back together? I'm hanging by a thread but refuse to let go. I can't let that take me.

Is it just in my mind that if you think too much about this that you will snap, or is it possible?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

You know how sometimes you get so deep inside your head it's like you're living only in your head? I get that way when I'm really low. Noticing every little thing about my mind and body but nothing that surrounds me. That's when I get into the philosophical thinking. It's a love hate relationship I have with this phase in my life.

I love the ideas I have, the way the universe and mind start to fit together and begin to make sense. But this is when I start to become psychotic. When I start to get deeply depressed and anxious. When all of my negative feelings are burning inside.

And then I get to a point in my thinking, if I move forward just one more inch I'm done for. That my mind will snap and I will never have the "sane" moments again. I will be forever psychotic and in basically another world in my mind. Stuck in the world of the mentally insane.

I have been avoiding philosophical thinking, have been doing my best to stay in the here and now. Are my fears of it becomming unfixable real? Does this happen to people? Do they get so wrapped up mentally that they just snap and can never be put back together? I'm hanging by a thread but refuse to let go. I can't let that take me.

Is it just in my mind that if you think too much about this that you will snap, or is it possible?

no its not just you and your mind that this happens to.

yes it is possible to as you call it "snap" there are lots of mental wards/mental facilities across the USA that have many patients that have as you call it "snapped" and now live only in their minds. many of those here in the local hospital mental ward and other mental facilities close by, have been diagnosed with Schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders..

as for will this happen to you /can this happen to you? only you and your treatment providers know the answers to that..

PurpleFlyingMonkeys I know its hard but please dont give up on yourself and this world of the here and now. theres always the chance to come out on top.

[IowaFarmGal]

I thought reality had a way of slamming a person in the face to keep them grounded but maybe I'm wrong. I've been stuck in the back of my head sometimes for an extended period watching someone else live my life. Doesn't sound like quite the same thing though.

[whatbeanbelieved]

I think it's really interesting, how you describe this phase in your life - it's almost a combination of the "psychotic", to use your word, and that which to me sounds almost creative. I'm just wondering if there is a way for you to express this creatively while you're in this space - art, music, writing... anything really. Because it sounds like to me (and I am definitely only guessing) that you're going through a journey that on the logical rational plane doesn't make sense, and because it doesn't make sense, there is a possibility of "snapping"; will it help to express that in art or some such thing? To get it out and to let the journey unfold in the artistic space?

I agree with Amandalouise - please don't give up on yourself. Whatever you're going through is your body/mind/spirit's way of telling you something. And while how it is expressed could be undesirable (like snapping), what it is telling you is very human and very basic and very you and therefore very important.

Many hugs and love.

[Hellion]

This is kind of how I've more or less felt lately...except its not as though there is much good going on in this reality to keep me clinging to it in an attempt to fight my reaching of the point of no return. I don't really have much advice on what to do about it...but I can sort of relate to that feeling.

[brackenbeard]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

You know how sometimes you get so deep inside your head it's like you're living only in your head? I get that way when I'm really low. Noticing every little thing about my mind and body but nothing that surrounds me. That's when I get into the philosophical thinking. It's a love hate relationship I have with this phase in my life.

I love the ideas I have, the way the universe and mind start to fit together and begin to make sense. But this is when I start to become psychotic. When I start to get deeply depressed and anxious. When all of my negative feelings are burning inside.

And then I get to a point in my thinking, if I move forward just one more inch I'm done for. That my mind will snap and I will never have the "sane" moments again. I will be forever psychotic and in basically another world in my mind. Stuck in the world of the mentally insane.

I have been avoiding philosophical thinking, have been doing my best to stay in the here and now. Are my fears of it becomming unfixable real? Does this happen to people? Do they get so wrapped up mentally that they just snap and can never be put back together? I'm hanging by a thread but refuse to let go. I can't let that take me.

Is it just in my mind that if you think too much about this that you will snap, or is it possible?

Hey. I think you're going to be ok. This is a problem I face as well. I want to make sense of what's going on in my life, how to become a better person, and figure out what it takes to overcome my illness. But it's not just that. Philosophizing about anything brings on the same things you reported. I feel terrible from thinking. The thing is you can't think your way out of this situation, so in one way or another your going to have to let that go. Thought is not helpful, even though it feels like the only way forward. Maybe a little bit, sprinklings here and there. Like for instance thinking briefly about all the positive things (staying positive), but I prefer to hold a conversation and talk about what's positive than sitting in my head and stewing about it. It's much more important to garner relationships, or do normal things like have conversations, go for walks, go to the movies (than sit and stew).

I love thinking, but I get anxious and negative sometimes and I'm not sure why, but I do know that it gets better if you give up trying to figure how things get put together, for the most part. I just wanted to respond pretty briefly. I'll have more thoughts for you tomorrow.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Amandalouise, this is what I'm worried about. T said today, like he has many many sessions, that he's 100% sure I'm NOT schizophrenic. Says although some of my symptoms mimic schizophrenia, that he and my pdoc both can see that I don't have it. But certain parts of me seem to have it. IDK. But I've seen people on the side of the road screaming and arguing with themselves, homeless people and I worry about that happening to me. I will bring it up with t next session.

When I get in this state of mind, I start connecting the dots, figuring out so many mysteries, only to later read about philosophers have already covered what I just figured out on my own. But then sometimes when I dig a little too deep, I feel like I hit a wall. And beyond that wall, is something that I will never be able to come back from. Something that will change me forever and I will never be me again. Something that will eternally cause me to "snap"

I hit that wall quite a bit and back away quickly, I always get this feeling that what's beyond is not good for me, that what I might discover, or what I might see will be harmful for me. But I just can't help but wonder. It's like Pandoras box. I desperately want to know what's inside, but I just know that when I find out, it could cause a lot of harm.

As far as art goes, I'd really love to be able to, I enjoy oil painting, but at the same time, I kind of have a block. Kind of like you would writers block, but it's painters block. I never can think of anything at all to paint that's not real, that's not something I can imagine in my mind, that's not like landscape or animals or something. I'm a boring painter. I also have writers block with poetry, I used to write ALL the time, and wrote a wonderful poem one night, and it was 8 years ago, I haven't been able to write anything good since that night. I've got a lot of blocks.

I like the idea though, I just wouldn't know where to begin with it, or how to express it. It's hard enough explaining it with words on here.

I've been told by therapists before that I have a philosophical mind, they've begged me to journal it and bring it in to them, I do and they are in awe of what I've written, considering I've never studied philosophy and know nothing about it. I never even considered it that until a t brought it up. But weren't many philosophers, despite their good work, weren't many of them looney? Even Einstein was a bit crazy, I wonder if they snapped at some point, they dug too deep and it made them snap. And I worry about that happening to me. I can't afford to snap. I have a daughter. I have a life to lead and important things to accomplish, although I don't know what they are yet lol

Thank you for all wonderful replies. I greatly appreciate it. All of the input and advice is wonderful, thank you again and again

[wing]

PFM
I think it is wonderful that you have such an enquiring mind. I remember getting so involved in a subject that I felt my mind would just explode, then all of a sudden it became clear. That point between almost understanding and gaining clarity was where I thought I might "snap". Philosophy was a difficult subject for me because I seldom gained that clarity. Filling my mind with ideas I don't understand to the point of overload is when things got shaky. I backed off, gave myself time to digest, then confronted the subject again. Getting deeply into something is a process that can be slow at times, then understanding can rush up and overwhelm us.

[KathyM]

(((PFM)))

I can relate to what you experience, and it's a fear of mine too. I try to rely on the fact that I've lived in the "real world" for quite some time now and realize it's important to maintain contact with reality while still here on earth. We'll have plenty of time to "play among the stars" when it's all over, lol. If we "check out" ahead of time, it wouldn't be fair to us, it wouldn't be fair to others, and it wouldn't be fair to the earth (to the environment, to the atmosphere). Seems to me it would be a slap to the face of God as well to appear ungrateful for the "gift" of life.

It's good you recognize warning signs when you reach that point in your thinking where you might become "unfixable." I try my best to pay attention to the warning signs and shift my focus back to my place in the world around me. If negative feelings/issues persist, I make note of them and address them once I have both feet on the ground. When I'm ready, willing and able to address the issue, I'm able to do so in a more objective manner.

Flap your Purple Wings when you need to, but don't up and fly away on us.......m'kay?