[mindamarie]

Okay, so I think I might have borderline personality disorder. I'm only 15 so I can't be officially diagnosed, but it seems I have a lot of the early warning signs. Let me explain.

When I was little, my dad used to verbally and sometimes physically abuse my mom and I. He's an alcoholic and has horrible anger problems. My mom is extremely dependent, so she would never leave him. So I had to put up with it. If he wasn't hitting, pushing, or throwing things at my mom and I, he would tell us that we were worthless, ugly, stupid, a waste of space, and would be better off dead. To this day, my dad is still an alcoholic and has anger problems, but he hasn't hit me and my mom in years, and he doesn't insult us as often.
Not only did I have hell at home, but I had hell at school. Nobody liked me. I was labeled as the creepy little girl who never talked to anybody. I wanted to make friends, but I already knew everybody hated me. This started in kindergarden, and continued on all throughout my school years. I remember in 7th grade, I would get bullied on the bus and in science class every day. I would get stuff thrown at me, I'd get called ugly, stupid, a slut, weird, a loser, and that I should just go die. That's when I had enough. I started cutting to cope with the pain of having a living hell at school and at my house.
Now lets talk about now. I've been cut free for 8 weeks But I used to cut every single day. I've attempted suicide 18 times. I get horrible anxiety attacks. And I'm developing my fathers anger, when I get mad I feel the only way I can feel better is to cause pain to the person who makes me angry. People say they are scared to make me mad because I just blow up out of nowhere. My mood is also really unstable. I used to think I was bipolar, because I can go from euphoric, to depressed, to numb, to suicidal, back to calm all in one day. Sometimes I feel so empty and numb, that I think that maybe I died and became a ghost. Other times even if nothing has gone wrong, I feel I have no reason to live, and like nothing I do is worth it. I have the weirdest self esteem. Sometimes I'm really cocky, but other times I refuse to believe anybody could ever love me or find me attractive. Sometimes I just feel lost, and I don't even know if I love or hate myself because I just forget who I am. I am also very impulsive, I love doing risky things that get me into trouble, although I admit that I think is me just being naturally rebellious. I could be wrong though.

One last thing, I have horrible abandonment issues. I'm guessing it's because my dad never showed me much love, but whenever I'm in a relationship or I like a guy, and he responds to a text late, or cancels a date, or something that shows even the slightest thing of being ignored or rejected, I immediately become suicidal. I know there are more important things in the world than guys, but I just need to feel loved in a romantic kind of way for me to feel comfortable with myself.

See, I have almost every symptom of BPD, and I'm scared because I know it's a really severe disorder. I know you cant just diagnose me after reading a few paragraphs, but what do you think?

[Odee]

I know you want a diagnoses but I'm not giving you one. Is there a school counselor you could talk to perhaps? Therapy is ideal for anyone with BPD and for you to have attempted suicide so many times and not receiving therapy is very troubling.

Originally Posted by mindamarie

See, I have almost every symptom of BPD, and I'm scared because I know it's a really severe disorder. I know you cant just diagnose me after reading a few paragraphs, but what do you think?

Two things I have to say about this quote:
1) BPD can be severe, but it can also be highly manageable with proper treatment. Don't worry about having a severe disorder -- worry about what you know you are experiencing.
2) Being diagnosed won't make your problems any worse -- you already know that you are experiencing troubling symptoms and a diagnoses is only a tool for treatment.


You are doing an excellent job educating yourself and being aware of how you feel. I think self awareness is amongst the most important tools for handling mental or personality disorders.